Some thoughts about "Being yourself", neediness, creepiness, outcome independence, and the cause of men not succeeding with women.

All right, so I've been thinking of posting this for a while. I've been involved in several discussions regarding the idea of "Being yourself" recently, and it has occurred to me that a lot of TRP men have a hard time understanding the angle I'm trying to argue from when it comes to this subject. I'm going to make several separate claims here which will all tie into one larger narrative.

WARNING: WOT/Stream of consciousness

1. An intuitive understanding of what "Being yourself" means depends on how your parents raised you

As most people are aware, a lot of outcomes in our life is determined by our genetic material. Factors such as height, beauty, and athletic potential are all pretty universally understood to be largely something you're born with. However, the same thing applies to your psychological traits as well. A lot of what people talk about when they discuss how different people behave can be explained through concepts such as general mental ability and personality traits - both of whom have been overwhelmingly shown in research to be highly heritable.

Parents who on some level understand and accept this will raise their children in a way that fosters introspection: They will encourage their children to figure out who they are and what they want, and to accept which situations they thrive in, and which situations they are less suited to thrive in - both based on their physical and psychological potential. From an early age, these children will gradually develop a solid sense of self. For instance - the nerdy guy who doesn't have much athletic potential will develop an identity and a sense of confidence around the things which he's good at, and have no issues admitting that he's terrible at sports. He will learn to seek out the company of friends who appreciate him for who he is - and to abandon the pursuit of approval from those who do not.

Parents who do not understand the inherent characteristic of psychological traits, or who do simply not understand that their children are different from themselves, or who have been raised in a non-introspective way themselves, will raise their children to focus on outwards behavior; Do good things, don't do bad things. Instead the child discovering his or her strengths and weaknesses and developing an identity based around them - the child learns to focus on external feedback on his or her actions to a much larger extent. Instead of developing interests and friendships based on what he or she is good at - the child attempts to learn how to act like someone who is respected by others. The young boy looks at other boys who are physically tough and starts to act as if he is. He never develops a true sense of self - but instead develops a sort of "game" like view of the world where certain actions evokes certain responses. He continually chases the approval of other men, and of women.

So let's imagine these two guys meet and they're discussing a girl. Guy #2 asks guy #1 for ideas on what he should do to get a girl to like him. Guy #1 has observed guy #2's interaction with said girl. Guy #2 very clearly changes when he's around this girl. He starts one-upping his guy friends, he starts trying to be the center of attention, he gets very defensive when he perceives that someone else is saying something negative about him - and he also never disagrees with the girl on anything. So guy #1 says "Dude, just be yourself. Ask her out.". To guy #1, this is the most natural thing in the world. He met his first girlfriend in high school through common friends. She was a bit nerdy in her own way, as he was. They got along really well at school, and gradually started talking on social media as well. After a while - he asked her out, and she said yes, and then they started dating. Sure, he was a bit nervous around her at times - but this was because he didn't know if she liked him or not. It never crossed his mind that there could be "right" and "wrong" actions for him to do. So in the mind of guy #1 - he doesn't understand what the hell guy #2 is doing every time said girl shows up. Why can't he just be like he is when it's just the guys hanging out?

Guy #2 however, doesn't really understand what "being yourself" means. He doesn't know himself at all - everything on his mind is what behavior he puts on, and how people react. So naturally when he's around the girl, he tries to act in all the ways he in some way has observed women responding positively to, and tries to avoid any behavior that might lead her to dislike him. He thinks others are like this as well - so he gets angry at his friends if they joke around with him (as friends do) when she's around. They're clearly trying to out-compete him! He might conclude that being yourself simply means doing nothing at all - which makes no sense to him, since his view of social interaction is much akin to a game with right or wrong actions.

2. "Being yourself" is the best long-term path to being attractive both for long and short term mating prospects

Once you accept that you are born with traits that means you will thrive in certain situations, but not in others - the logical conclusion quickly becomes the following: You should leverage your strengths, and understand your weaknesses. Your values, your life choices, the way you dress - everything about you will be based around this idea. Maybe you're someone who scores high on the personality trait openness to experience. Many people may see you as eccentric and somewhat distant. Instead of attempting to seek validation from those people however - you seek out environments that allow you to pursue your interests. Maybe you start expressing yourself creatively through music or art - or maybe through video game design. Maybe you pursue your intellectual curiosity and become a scientist. Whatever you do, as long as you leverage your strengths - you create a positive feedback loop. You build an identity and a deep sense of self. You're not ashamed that people may see you as weird - you don't care about the approval of those types of people. When a woman sees you, what she will see is the best possible phenotypical utilization of your genetic material in society. This is the most attractive version of yourself you can ever be. Your strong sense of self also means that you have no need for tactics designed to "handle shit tests" and such, which brings me to the next point:

3. Neediness and creepiness, and "shit test guarding" is the type of behavior that results from someone not being themselves

Now of course there can be many reasons for why you see someone as creepy. A lot of people seem to be convinced that it is purely something that is caused by looks. However - let's imagine a random fat old man. Is he attractive? Most likely not. But that doesn't make him creepy. In fact, if a fat old man approaches a random woman on a bus stop, she will most likely not find this creepy at all. Maybe he'll tell her about his granddaughter, or his cat, or how everyone used to have so much more time in the old days, and now everything is a rush. Even if she's very good looking - she'll probably think he's just a nice old man. However, if he's trying to make some sort of a sexual advance on her - it's immediately disgusting and creepy. And he doesn't have to do anything overt either - most likely she will notice his intentions from the way he interacts with her through subtle behavioral clues.

Most people knows how this feels like if they've run into a pushy telemarketer, or a salesman on the street. Some part of you tells you that this person wants something from you. Every reply you make will be interpreted in some specific way in accordance to the goals of the person. You are no longer relaxed - but very aware of what you're saying. You feel like there's a lot of weight on your shoulders - the individual you're talking to is draining your energy. This is even worse if the person is not a salesman - but a friend of yours. Maybe someone very insecure, who might be very offended by the slightest thing you say. You just don't like being around this person - even if he or she ostensibly is great to be around. It's just uncomfortable.

So how does this tie into the idea of being yourself? The person who hasn't been taught to be comfortable in his own skin always wants something from you. Either validation, or some specific outcome. When he makes a move - it can feel threatening or tiring, because you know that so much rests on your shoulders. Guys appear needy when they place too much of a burden on the woman. She's pulling back - and he just keeps following her. Guys who appear creepy do the exact same thing, but the woman additionally feels unsafe - as if the guy will force himself across her boundaries (unlike the needy guy who will simply beg to cross them).

In contrast, when the guy who has a strong sense of self expresses interest - he does it in a way that's non threatening. There's no weight on the woman's shoulders - he accepts the fact that she either likes him or not. This allows her to relax and safely act on any feeling of attraction that might be there.

TRP/PUA has several strategies and concepts related to accomplishing the same things as the man with a strong sense of self does - for instance, ideas such as "Outcome independence" and "Keeping frame". Although I've criticized those ideas many times - I do believe they clearly hold some merit when it comes to getting yourself out of the "wanting something from the woman" zone. However - while many attempt to explain the success of these mindsets as you appearing as "high value", I believe the success actually stems from the removal of pressure from the woman. Many of these lines of thought do not address the core issues that lead men to act in needy/validation seeking/outcome dependent ways. And much of the adjacent advice - such as on handling shit tests - is basically reinforcing the problem.

Usually, a man who thinks of how women talk to him as "testing" probably does not have a strong sense of self. He's stuck in the mindset of "Oh, there's a right way and a wrong way to act around women to get what I want". He's basically still placing this burden on the shoulders of the woman, while pretending not to be. Ironically, this inauthentic behavior may very well provoke "tests" from a woman - since she recognizes that he's putting on an act, and is trying to call him out on it.

Again though - I don't think all of those ideas are useless. Enforcing an abundance mentality can be pretty useful for people who have failed to meet certain romantic milestones while growing up, and thus have developed a scarcity mindset around women. However - It's only use in my opinion is that it prevents behavior that scares women away. Acting like you have access to tons of women doesn't make them attracted to you.

So yeah, I guess that's it. That's why people say "Be yourself". For anyone who bothered to read through this wall of text - please share your thoughts. Agree? Disagree?

TL:DR Nah, read it.