I think I made a mistake. Please help 😥

Thoguth · 2021-04-10T11:13:28+00:00

I'll offer what I can to help with this from experience:

You did not make a mistake.

For one, your wife's heart and attitude are going to make a far bigger impact on your lifetime of happiness than her looks at the age you got married.

For two... Think about yourself 20, 30, 50 years from now. Nobody you dated is going to look as good down the road as your new wife looks now... And nobody's wife after so many decades is as sexy as any of the girls he dated when they were younger. But by then, the inner beauty (or ugliness) is easier to see.

Maybe anyone has a similar experience and can advice.

I'll share from an amalgam of my own experience and the experience of close friends who have shared their own with me: You made a wise choice.

Now what you need to do is make her feel beautiful and loved. Have you seen the viral content going around that takes photos of people before and after they're told that they are beautiful? Someone who feels beautiful goes up like two points in hotness instantly.

As for trying to influence her to change... This is tough, because meaningful change has to come from the inside, not the outside. What I would recommend is that anything encourage her to do, is something you want to do (honestly, not as a trick) for yourself, for your health, but as a person doing it, it would help it be easier and more fun if she joined you.

The bigger thing, though, and this might get called blue-pilled or something but in a marriage, the gritty, strong call for a husband is the call to love your wife the way Jesus loved the church. Do you think Jesus had regrets about that? No, Jesus isn't some coward. He sees the beauty in His bride, and He knows how things will unfold in the long run.

Don't love your wife with some wishy-washy "aww I wish you were prettier but I guess I will try to do the right thing" kind of effort. Learn to see the beauty in her heart and praise her for it. When she does something exceptionally kind, brave, industrious or generous, let her know that you see something not just "praiseworthy" in the general sense, but beautiful because that's what it is.

You've probably already been familiar with Prov 31 but reread it. Keep falling in love with your wife's character, and keep recognizing that as beauty in the way that God sees.

I have a book recommendation if you want, written by a couple who had issues with this and seems to have made it through strongly with dedication and love... But I don't have the link it even the name off the top of my head. If you're interested let me know and I'll look it up for you.

Proper_Screen · 2021-04-10T11:20:13+00:00

Oh boy, you sound a lot like me. I don't have a "here's what worked for me" solution because I'm still dealing with this myself, but here's my best advice: you can't force your wife to do anything. You can't force her to lose weight any more than you can force her to change her height. So focus on what you can control: yourself.

Lift
Read the sidebar. Learn it. Know it. Live it.

Ideally what happens is you begin to become more attractive, which leads her to make herself more attractive. I'm still waiting for that to happen with me and my wife, but in the meantime I've become a better version of myself. I have a long way to go, but I'm making progress.

Also, a mod will probably lock this post as soon as he sees it. See Rule #2 on the sidebar. Better edit it and add stats.

Praexology · 2021-04-13T13:29:21+00:00

Your wife is your mission. Because you will likely not budge on this, there is not much people here can do to help. Until you raise your eyes above your marriage you will likely feel "depressed" and "sorrow" as you say yourself.

You aren't 4% body fat. If you were that low at that weight you would know. You wouldn't have avoided answering the full stats.

Adept-Mongoose · 2021-04-13T22:05:55+00:00

As someone who is currently planning to make this decision, I understand and feel for you... but I also disagree: you have not made a mistake brother. There's so much hope for your situation.

Whereas if you had the opposite problem (only sexual attraction/beauty); I'd just be praying for you (and not writing this terribly worded novelette—you're welcome ;P ).

Anyway, I hope the following can give you some ideas (it's a smattering of ideas):

Here is what I've found in my own and a couple other brothers' souls:

When I see the orderliness/symmetry of a face, body, or any other object; there is a beauty in it that I can appreciate.
And when I see such beauty (like in a woman's face), it feels pleasurable.
This feeling of pleasure gets (nearly in an instant) confused with a higher sense of goodness (i.e. very valuable/esteemable.)
And inside my soul, I want to feel valuable/esteemed.
So I then allow the confusion of (3.) to stay and tell myself that if I could only have [insert attribute that is fleetingly beautiful] then I might be valuable/esteemed.
And lots of attraction/desires rises up in me.

Now, I've tried explaining what happens in my soul in an instant, through several oversimplified steps. But I've found it generally insightful to my motives around women, or other 'beautiful' things.

That is, I can insert any beautiful attribute like (seductiveness, dancing ability, body type/size, regard by others for their virtue...etc.) But being a horny dude find that the bodily/facial symmetries are often my first candidates for this confusion of 'goods' in (3.)

So why does this matter? Good question.

Because I've found that if I can find some type of beauty in a person—which my soul confuses into a good and so sparks a sort of desire in me— then I can play it up until it lights the whole forest on fire.

For example, having dated a godly woman I was not attracted to, I thought about the same problem. However I loved how submissive she was towards me. And I also liked to know that I can please a woman. So, when I found out that she was immensely pleased by kissing her neck, I found every beautiful aspect of her neck, wrote poems to her about her neck, quoted some song of songs, kissed it with all the passion and tension I could, focusing entirely on what I found so beautiful about it; and within a week or so, it became a focus of mine when I thought of her romantically—a consolation, if you will. But I kept going: finding and relating whatever I could, until I stopped nitpicking all the unattractive things about her, and instead had a sort of archetype of her beauty that I DID enjoy.

I'm sure there are aspects you can do with this process because you're not REPULSED by her. You can work on appreciating just one thing, and grow from there.

And lastly, I'd recommend you work on communication. Especially communication on what pleases her and yourself. You could try making it like a game (men usually like to win games): try to shower her with affections, seduction, and pleasures and see how ecstatically loved you can make her feel.

Basically, attraction can be built for your physical weakness and your mind/affections. This is just a way to help your weakness as a concession. (since everyone is going to be ugly at some point in the near future.)

Also, it can be helpful to think about why marriage is a thing at all? You grew up in the church, so you know it's to represent Christ and His Bride, but have you considered the heavenly treasure you'd store up for representing Him well? Showering your wife in extra loving ways, while initially may feel empty and mechanical on the inside, will eventually start a deep flame in her (if you do it right), and that will stoke yours too...and on and on.

Would recommend watching videos from this list and also going to therapy lol:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLVHY3HvnI6yMn_sDAWTybodCxsqe571FB

kingbossdj · 2021-04-10T13:33:48+00:00

Bro set your ego aside. Let go of expectations. Us men can fall in love with almost anything.

chocl8princess · 2021-04-10T10:11:49+00:00

I feel for you. Tough situation to be in. If ur wife lost weight etc, do you think that would help? I think when ppl say beauty doesn’t matter they mean don’t make a serious decision solely based on how someone looks but that doesn’t mean you should just marry anyone. Attraction is important!

Casingda · 2021-04-20T05:04:22+00:00

As an older woman in the Lord, I would like to give my perspective on this. First off, I’ve never been married, but God has given me a ministry in this area because of a lot of different things I’ve seen others go through over the years. So. You need to remember that she and you will physically change as the years go by. And that love is a choice. It’s in actions. And that it’s truly who she is that means a lot more than her appearance. A verse comes to mind that I frequently use and it is this one: Man looks on the outward, but God looks on the heart. Think about that. He is not looking at our physical selves but our spiritual selves, and at who He has made us to be. You need to do the same thing with your wife. You do seem to see her good qualities. Make that the focus of your relationship, rather than her looks. Consider the fact that your looks could change and, as I said, will with time. Does this mean she will love you any less?

L2diy · 2021-04-10T09:49:24+00:00

Of course beauty matters.

Proverbs 5:19

“A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

Attraction to ones wife is one of the strongest defenses against the temptation of adultery. What’s done is done, but you clearly do not have friends that are RP’d.

WhereProgressIsMade · 2021-04-20T20:00:28+00:00

First, fix your mission. If you make your wife your mission, she'll likely eventually lose attraction for you.

Pastors like to use Ephesians 5 to preach about how a man needs to sacrifice everything in his life for his wife. Inevitably servant leadership turns into just plan servant. Do whatever she asks. You should know her well enough to predict what she's going to want and do it for her before she asks. Etc. They tend to ignore a little later that it says we are to love her as ourself. You have to remember, back when Paul wrote it, wives were often treated like property and they're main job was simply to bare leggitmate children for him. Paul says, no to that. You need to actually love them too. Today it gets taken too far into some kind of pansy approach that is unattractive. There's gobs on this. I like John Calvins commentary because it points out what should be obvious, the "sacrifice" in Eph 5 is not an exact metaphor for Jesus' sacrifice. No man can redeem a single sin by any sacrifice he makes. Paul only is using Christ's sacrifice as an example of how much he loves us, not that we are supposed to try to emulate sacrifice in everything we do for our wives. It is love that is to emulated.

Also, they ignore the verse that takes about part of loving a wife is to correct her and teach her to obey. ("washing her in the word").

Anway, enough on that topic.

I've been married 15 years and my wife is getting less attractive to be honest. She's about 178 lbs and 5'4". I've been working hard on myself the last 7 months getting in shape (went from 210 lbs to 177 lbs, 200 bench, 305 squat, 345 deadlift). I finally was getting to the point I was going to start asking her to do some exercise with me like cardio but then she had a medical issue that required surgery and has a long recovery. So that plan is going to be on hold for several months now. Anyway, that was going to be my approach. Many men find that just working on getting them self in better shape spurs their wives to "keep up". Some other options are to find something active you can do together - find another couple to have a weekly tennis doubles match for example. Or sign up for a class or club. Offer to prepare meals and make them healthy ones. Do the grocery shopping, and load up on good stuff and cut down on the snacks and anything where sugar is added.

One more story for you. Before my wife, I was in a bit of a slump dating wise and the only one who was interested in me, I wasn't particularly attracted to. (She was an inch taller and about 23 or 24 years old. I'm not sure what she weighed, but it was probably somewhere between 240 and 280. I thought I'd give her a chance and see what her personality was like and relationship to God was like. She was very pleasant, submissive, kind, and gentle. Very teachable.

One of the dates I took her on was to an amusement park. She couldn't get out of the log flume by herself. For some reason, that really made any attraction I had for her plummet. Looking back now, it makes more sense. Men are attracted to youth, health, and fertility and that was a dead ringer sign for not being in very good health. I dated her a bit longer to see how things would develop but was feeling like I probably needed to break up with her. She grew pretty smitten with me.

It's a common story that a guy marries a woman he is attracted to, but she lets herself go and then he one day realizes he isn't attracted to her anymore. Figuring how how to encourage her to take better care of herself and lose weight is very difficult and a touchy subject that is not easy to navigate, but some guys have had success.

Think about if the way she dresses or does her hair could make a difference for you. Something like, "Honey, I love it when you were long dresses. Why don't we go shopping and pick out a couple new ones for you." A lot of guys find longer hair attractive. If that's the case, you can ask her to grow it out. My wife's hair doesn't cooperate with that, so shoulder length is what looks best on her. At least she keeps it longer than some old pictures of her were it was close to a boy's cut.

Posture and body language can make a difference too. I've read some material aimed at helping women be more attractive to men along those lines, but I'm not sure how a husband could approach it.

One other aspect to consider. Many women go into marriage thinking they have no responsibility to really do anything for their husband. "My body, my choice". My wife has gone through periods where she never really initiated anything. I dont' mean sex. I mean just doing anything together even something simple like going for a walk or playing a board game. When she does, it often gets me a little turned on. It's rare she cuddles up next to me on the couch watching TV anymore, but it still gets me revved up just like it did when we were dating.

I don't know what your triggers are, but try to figure out as many as you can. Hopefully there's something to work with and you can teach her to do them. I went through a period of dropping hints. For example, "I'd like if you gave me a kiss when you get up in the morning. (Her getting ready always wakes me up, but I usually fall back asleep before long). It's been sidelined now because she's recovering from surgery, but if she doesn't do anything, I'll probaly start requesting things again.

Good luck!

PatchThePiracy · 2021-04-10T12:53:22+00:00

That's how relationships usually go....

You either stay with the woman who you're insanely attracted to physically but the relationship sucks, or you stay with the woman who doesn't always rev you up but the relationship is great.

BibleTextbook · 2021-04-10T13:26:09+00:00

Just remember, you must be her husband and follow God’s commandment to love your wife. Even if it feels like you can’t, take her out on special dates, bring her flowers, tell her she’s beautiful, help her do the dishes and do the lawn, ask what you can do to help her out around the house, watch her favorite movie while you cuddle with her. Essentially, figure out her love languages, do them, pray, and don’t tell yourself you don’t love your wife. I promise you that’s the devil talking. You don’t have to be attracted to your wife to love them, and my bet is the more you show your wife love, the more the attracted feelings will come to you

PuzzleheadRobo · 2021-04-20T12:55:38+00:00

I’m a guy that struggles with same sex attraction and I’ve been married for five years. I’ve learned to find ways to get a hard on with my wife because of my situation, which is slowly changing thank God. I refuse to allow worry about how it’s difficult to be attracted to her to get in my way. Because of SSA, I don’t go crazy wild when I see her even though she is beautiful. At least not yet, but eventually I’ll get there.

People change, and you’ll probably see that over time, especially since you guys are newly wed, that she may change. My wife began to care more about how she dressed a year after we married. We matured more. She’s on her own journey to feel sexier and more feminine.

Love is a conscious choice. It’s not always accompanied by feeling. But when you put it in your mind, a resolve to love her despite your feelings, it’ll eventually develop into feelings. I’m not a feelings guy. I love my wife by helping her, being there for her, entering her, leading her gently and spending time with her. These are not gushy feelings of butterflies in my stomach. These are choices I do even if I don’t feel like it.

My wife doesn’t always look beautiful, especially when she’s stressed from work, is dressed in oversized pajamas, and hasn’t done her hair. But I still tell her she’s beautiful because she is. Her appearance is one part of beauty out of many. Am I lying to her? No, I’m choosing to love her and to project the reality I want. Our words have power.

I changed my diet recently and since I do a lot of cooking since I love cooking, she’s adopted my diet over time. Since I started working out, she’s starting her journey to do it with her friend. She’s not very consistent, but neither was I at the start. It takes time.

NoC2H6OnlyGas · 2021-05-05T15:42:05+00:00

Damn bro how you get your body fat so low? Just Tren'n and winn'n? Excuse me I meant "Training and winning" 🤣

PimPedOutGeese · 2021-04-10T10:09:07+00:00

Attraction is a huge part of relationship... especially from the male side of the street!

I think you had a case of an issue that we call at my church “So heavenly bound that you’re no earthly good.” It means that you’re so intent on focusing on God, and that’s fantastic, that we tend to forget that we do have to live down here for the moment. You rushed into a decision in order to avoid sinning. ~~No one wants to sin.~~ Well that’s a lie lol. But usually no one wants to do it or they feel bad after the fact.

It’s ok to want to sleep with a woman... it’s our nature. It’s ok to want to wait for marriage... that’s the right thing to do.

Anyways... so you’re in this situation we’re clearly you aren’t attracted to your wife. So let’s put some things in perspective and see what we can make of it.

You need to decide, and quickly, if you’re going to continue being with someone you’re not really attracted to... this could lead to infidelity on your part or hers if she feels undesirable.
Her beauty will fade over time anyways.
If she is completely submissive and unwavering in her task to make you happy this will be the best relationship you’ll ever have... because of the way you might treat her because of your lack of attraction towards your wife.

-This is not a free pass by any stretch... but His grace is sufficient for thee... meaning we try our best not to sin but when we fail, and we will, Jesus took care of it about a week or so again. So don’t beat yourself up. So if you want to dissolve your marriage now would be the time.

-As far as legal proceedings, because you can’t stop her from divorcing you if it comes to it or you might decide it’s time to split, the longer you wait the more of a disadvantage you are at. You’re only 2 months in your likely to get an annulment and avoid some pretty heavy legal battles.

-You mentioned if before but you should consider her feelings as well. If you’re going to split rip the band aid off fast as soon as possible so she can recover. If you did stick it out lead her to getting into phenomenal shape... which means you getting into phenomenal shape. It might help things and it might not.

I know it seems like I’m advocating divorce lol but I’m really not. You need to sit down and think this through before you make a decision. Life changing stuff.

qiis · 2021-12-25T13:56:07+00:00

whats your height in centimetres bro

Title	I think I made a mistake. Please help 😥
Author	SpiritualPatterns
Upvotes	43
Comments	48
Date	April 10, 2021 9:38 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/mo1now/i_think_i_made_a_mistake_please_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/i-think-i-made-a-mistake-please-help.1189221 https://theredarchive.com/post/1189221

Comments