Unrealistic expectations

Red-Curious · 2018-07-27T14:19:23+00:00

Find a woman who is faithful, available, and teachable. Yes, I know that acronym spells FAT - and it's one that I've been using for years. But if you can find someone with all the of these qualities you can instill any other quality or value in them.

For example, suppose you find someone who is already thin, fit, and has a regular pattern of exercise.

If she's not faithful in following your lead, she may veer off into laziness after a pregnancy, for example, and use that as an excuse to avoid getting back in shape.
If she isn't available, she'll never set aside the time necessary to do what you're leading her into.
If she's not teachable, then she won't accept correction from you when you talk to her about her weight.

But suppose you find a chubby girl who is strong in all of these values.

If she's faithful, she'll join you at the gym and workout alongside you.
If she's available, she won't use work, tiredness, time with other friends, etc. as an excuse not to go with you or even on her own.
If she's teachable, she'll accept help and instruction on how to lift, what gett goals should be, when her progress is not satisfactory, etc.

I've met both kinds of women. It's interesting seeing the stark contrast. If you can find a FAT woman who is already somewhat and has a great set of personal habits to maintain this, all the better. If not, find someone who is willing and able to learn. But you obviously have to be willing to model it first.

Willow-girl · 2018-07-27T13:39:36+00:00

I don't think your preferences are wrong or unrealistic and don't let anyone tell you they are! You are entitled to want what you want. Don't feel guilty about it.

That said, the laws of supply and demand apply in the SMP, and the rarer something is, the more valuable it's likely to be. Chubby women are more common than thin women in the U.S., so competition is likely to be more intense for slender girls. You need to be en pointe (literally "on your toes") game-wise and otherwise in order to compete.

My advice would be to find a woman who already shares your values and priorities in terms of fitness -- a female athlete, marathon runner, yoga instructor, etc., not just someone who works out casually once a week. You want to see a long-term, sustained commitment to fitness. And by all means, don't go with the chubby girl who promises to shape up for you! That's likely to last only until complacency sets in.

Also, don't waste a chubby girl's time. Don't date girls to whom you're not attracted. Hold out for what you want; don't settle.

RunawayGrain · 2018-07-27T13:12:53+00:00

If you marry a girl and she packs on the pounds that's a sign that she was only staying thin to reel in a provider.

So here's a couple of things:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. - 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. - Ephesians 5:24

So it's a two way street. You should be as appealing as possible to her, and she to you. I'd be up front about that expectation with any girl you are talking to, though.

Stryker7200 · 2018-07-27T13:17:24+00:00

I want to just tell you that there is NOTHING wrong with having this requirement in looking for a spouse. Nobody can tell you otherwise. It's your choice who you marry, and you can have whatever criteria you want in selecting a mate.

That being said, these are the risk mitigating factors I would look at if I was selecting a mate with weight/fitness being one of the most important factors (It was for me, so this is pretty much how I approached it).

1) Physical status of the woman I am interested in. Obviously you and I are both attracted to fit woman, so we wouldn't be considering them if they werent already fit.

2) What does her mom look like? My wife's mother is physically fit. Yes she is over 60 now, but she weighs what she should, eats right, and excersizes multiple times a week. I was able to get a pretty good idea of what my wife will look like at 60+, and it was satisfactory to me.

3) What habits does this girl I am interested in have? My wife likes running 5 & 10k's and has run a few half marathons as well. She likes eating healthy and we have a large garden that she loves. I would also say to look into the woman's past, childhood pictures etc, or just adolescent years. If she was overweight then and only in the past few years got fit, there is a higher likelihood of her regressing to an unhealthy weight.

4) Evaluate willpower and drive. If a woman can show determiniation, strong will power, and solid drive at completing tasks (like homemaking, etc) and shows mental fortitude (None of these are to describe a rebelious nature/bossiness, etc) then it is likely she will have the ability to maintain a healthy physical presence into old age.

As with anything, there are no guarantees when it comes to another person. Willpower and effort can change after a few decades. My grandma was a super thin woman born in the 1930s. By the 90s she was obese as she lost her drive to work at it and her willpower. However, my Grandpa did not do a lot to encourage better behavior. This IS something within the power of the husband, but again, it is not anything guaranteed as ultimately each person is their own.

One other thing to consider, health. When you marry you are marrying for life and that means through the good and the bad. Health factors CAN play a major role here and could result in major weight changes. Ever seen retired pro-athletes/Olympians? A lot of them can look pretty pudgy/overweight etc years after they stop competing. And these are the best athletes in the world that had the highest drive aroudn to excel at the highest level possible. If it can happen to them....etc.

Deep_Strength · 2018-07-27T17:00:50+00:00

Most people have said everything I was going to say already. So here's the extra bit:

About me: I’m an ectomorph who works out. I’m not well built and looking at me you probably couldn’t guess that I hit the gym. I’ve been told that I’m toned. Humbly, I get checked out by a lot of women and get flirted with on the reg, I consider myself to have an 8/10 face and have been told this many times.

You probably need to get the point where it looks like you're muscular or buff. Most girls who are into fitness won't go out on a date with non-muscular men. Like attracts like in this case.

Of course, you also need to make sure both of you are not making fitness an idol or anything like that.

To go with RC's statement in the area regarding weight, the most applicable things are 'teachable' and 'wants to please.'

Griffin_404 · 2018-07-27T14:03:58+00:00

It may be unrealistic, depending on your community, but I certainly don't think it's wrong.

If you hold yourself to that high standard of physical training then it should be more acceptable to her that she follow suit. One psychological tell would be how she talks about her exercise, or lack of - whether she has a vigor for it, appreciation of it, or eagerness towards it. Similarly, if you model this mindset as part of your frame she may come to accept it, see it as an essential aspect of healthy living, etc.

> If my standards are unrealistic and perhaps even ungodly, what can I do to correct my self and my desires. Or at least my ‘phobia’ of being LTR’d with a fat woman.

Or you could simply reframe that as being afraid of being bound to a woman who disrespects both the body God gave her and you as her partner in the marriage bed. In that frame, what you describe as being potentially ungodly is actually seeking to hold your wife to noble standards.

CoachDad9 · 2018-07-27T14:35:07+00:00

Ask yourself what happens in 10 years if you wife gets fat after a few kids even though she goes to the gym? Would you stop having sex with her? Because this is an extremely common phenomenon in marriages.

wkndatbernardus · 2018-07-27T19:47:09+00:00

I'm in a similar situation with a woman who is fantastic in every way except she doesn't really excercise much. She isn't fat but she could def lose a few (prob 20lbs) and I am nervous of what will happen once marriage and then children come along. It's quite the dilemma because a big part of me loves her and sees a great future with her but, I know in my heart that I'll have difficulty respecting a woman who is significantly overweight. That being said, the interesting thing is that I'm sexually attracted to women who have a bit more cusion for the pushin.

I don't think you are being unrealistic or ungodly in having the standards you do because the bottom line is that, if you marry this woman, you will be bound to her by a holy covenant that you won't be able to easily (or at all, in some understandings) release yourself from. You should make sure, as far as possible, that you are motivated now, and will most likely be in the future, to love this woman in a sacrificial way. So, vett accordingly knowing that it isn't a sin to remain single (Paul thought it was preferable to the married life).

Siccunt99 · 2018-07-28T11:15:13+00:00

I don't think a woman needs to go to the gym to stay healthy and fit.I personally wouldn't want a woman who goes to the gym in leggings just so she can have an attractive ass.It's perfectly fine to be repulsed by an image of owerweight person,since this indicates poor health,both spiritual and bodily.You,and all other men need a healthy woman but first look if she has overall good mental health then look at her physical health,minding your personal preferations as well.

redwall92 · 2018-07-27T13:19:02+00:00

ectomorph

a person with a lean and delicate body build.

I would choose a different word if I were you.

Crunchy_Biscuit · 2018-07-28T02:21:07+00:00

What ive learned is that wjen you love somebody, the ugliness just fades away. I don't know if that's true, but I like to think so. And if she loves you, she'll probably want to exercise more also. God doesn't discriminate based on looks. Let God handle the right woman for you.

Title	Unrealistic expectations
Author	squizzo_rad
Upvotes	8
Comments	32
Date	July 27, 2018 12:53 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/92c96j/unrealistic_expectations/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/unrealistic-expectations.301832 https://theredarchive.com/post/301832

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