ETA: So sorry this is way long, I have really tried to edit it down - if you have advice on bits to cut out or change I'm all ears - and I'm also sorry I can't really think of a better way to summarise it to you so you can judge whether it's worth reading or not...!!

Intro: This is the story of my 40th birthday that I'd like to share with you :-D I have edited it down a lot to try and keep focused on the relevant points and not bore you with the detail, but trust me it was rather hairy at times. There were so many moments I could have let my hamster blow-up and get very upset or angry.

This was an emotionally significant birthday for me and I really wanted it to be memorable. Honestly without your wisdom RPWives I don't think I would have been able to navigate this so successfully. Whenever I was panicky inside I just took a breath and thought to myself “what would RPW do”!

Background: M and I got married 3 yrs ago, I found RPW just over a year ago and it has helped immensely during a very stressful time. Five years ago I gave up my job to help him care for his very ill parents, sadly both passed away towards the end of last year, it has been tough to say the least. He is still experiencing post-traumatic anxiety.

Story: My 40th birthday is this year and falls on a Saturday. Yay. We talked about it many months ago, probably in February, M and I decided that of all the options, we really just wanted to be together. We could go away somewhere. We certainly deserve a holiday! He said I should take you away somewhere, a surprise. He has never done that (it's a cliché a guy whisks you away somewhere, yeah, but there is part of me that would love for that to happen once in my life).

So when people ask what I'm doing for my birthday I tell them he's taking me away somewhere – super exciting :-p And since I'm trying to implement RPW as much as possible I think okay I must trust him and believe in him and it's super important to resist any urges to take over the planning as that would ruin it. I mustn't mother him and hurt his masculinity, especially when he's in such a tender place.

So I mention it as little as possible. We had the vaguest of discussions at the start and a couple of times I sent him ideas of the kind of places we could go as he said he didn't know what kind of thing to choose. We both thought of sun and spa as things we would enjoy. A couple of times I asked if he was okay or if he wanted input. He said no I should surprise you. Okay great!

A couple of times he shared that it was a bit hard for him because he'd never done anything like this before. So thinking of RPW my response was to encourage him – I'm sure whatever you choose will be perfect – which seemed to reassure him...

It would have been easy at any point in this process for me to start browsing places online out of excitement if not even panic, and to take control inadvertently by ending up telling him where we could go. I really didn't want to do that since he wanted to surprise me, so I left it alone.

All the time I have faith that he will come up with something because (I believe) he knows how important birthdays are to me, especially this one. I usually can't bear to be the center of attention, but I do like to feel special on my birthday. Nothing seems to be happening, but I get excited thinking maybe he's found something cool for us to do like a really fun day out or something...

A week and one day before my actual birthday still no news so I checked with him in a casual tone - "are we going away next weekend because I have to sort out work appointments"... He says “Oh, we need to talk about that....” !!

So he tells me he's not sure about flying somewhere because it's a hassle and takes too much time out of the weekend and it could be a better idea to stay in the UK. No problem. It's a complete change of plan but I'm totally happy to follow his lead so I agree with him. We both need to relax so we discussed the idea of finding a spa place a few hours drive away and he came up with a fun idea of where to go, he wasn't sure I would like it, but I said I liked the sound of it. Cool!

Still he didn't book anything, spending Sunday watching sport. I didn't mention it or nag him. I'm pushing back the hamster which is saying how not prioritising this means he doesn't care about me......

Wednesday now, and my birthday is on Saturday. In the morning he sits down to look at the spa place we had discussed. Perhaps unsurprisingly it is already fully booked. I resist any urge to ask him why he didn't look earlier even though I'm feeling a bit desperate now! I realise some of my bad feelings are because of the potential humiliation at telling family and friends I didn't get taken on my dream 'surprise' holiday after all, and realise that is external to my relationship and therefore irrelevant. I button that down. Not a problem. But I do want to do something!

He looks again at options and says we could go to this other place, but for the same price of one night's spa we could get a holiday in Crete or somewhere – he just saw a program on Crete the night before and got inspired with the idea to go there. Okay cool! Suddenly we get excited again about the idea of getting some sun :-D I'm focusing on not getting flustered with all the changes of plan - I like to know what I'm doing in advance, but I'm commited to letting him take the lead. I'm not going to take over unless he asks me to.

Again he says it is hard to choose from all the options, it's hard because he's never really done anything like this. I realise fully that he has actually never done anything like go to a holiday resort before – his family always went back home to his grandfather's house for their holidays. He has no real experience of choosing and going 'somewhere new'. Things that are easy to take for granted if you've travelled quite a lot. So I ask do you want to look at it together, he agrees it would be easier to choose together.

So we sit at my laptop and start looking. It's fun. We sit there looking at the options and he nuzzles and kisses my arm and I think ah this is really romantic :-p

...3 hours later comparing all the options on so many different websites we are kind of losing the will to live!....

He comes close to saying let's just stay here instead but I simply can't bear the thought of that. However, the last thing I want is to have an argument and have bad feelings lingering on my birthday. I am focusing on keeping calm and patient and not getting angry at him. That way he can honestly share what's on his mind.

It transpires that he had done some research but he was worried that the places he felt he could afford were not good enough for me, and the places he wanted to take me he didn't feel comfortable spending that much money. That is perfectly understandable and actually really sweet when you think about it. If he didn't care so much he wouldn't be so worried.

I tell him I feel like I'm extorting a holiday from him and that's really not my intention. He says he wants to take me somewhere, I deserve it, he feels like he's let me down. I say well yes you have let me down but it's fixable. (I know that's probably not strictly RPW but I find there is a line where you have to call the truth as you see it!) Anyway, despite the last minute panic, I rationalise that I don't want him to spend more money than he feels comfortable with, it's just supposed to be a bit of a fun trip!

So looong story short about five hours after we sat down together we booked this resort. Woop. It was affordable but looked gorgeous, some of the reviews were poor, but you know you have to take them with a pinch of salt; I was hopeful that it would not be awful, and even if it was, that we could have a good time together anyways..... I realise again how much worry that decision would have put on him if he'd been choosing alone, especially in his current mental state, but he had wanted to live up to an image or expectation of what a man is 'supposed' to do to be romantic....

Well I'm excited and a bit anxious, that was pretty stressful and we still have a lot to sort out before we leave in about 30 hours time! I need to focus on receiving graciously rather than stressing and being fractious. We worked well together to get everything packed and became a bit more excited with anticipation.... So now it was just the worry that we would get there and it would be rubbish...

We got up in the middle of the night to catch a plane and barely a few hours later we touched down in a completely different country, so sunny and beautiful, I actually cried a little! He got us a cab to the resort and it was perfect – stunning location, friendly people and a laid-back atmosphere. All the drinks and food were included, beautiful swimming pool and the weather was fantastic.

We were in full holiday mode after about half an hour, and he is like a different person with his stresses out the way – wonderful to see. We spoke about how we'd like to visit other places together. I told him how much I enjoy travelling with him (which I do, he's fun and patient) he was surprised because he probably thought I thought he was awkward after everything that had happened. I think I saw his ego boosting right in front of my eyes!

He does not tend to drink much but we got a bit drunk together and a bit flirty, and even after that long day we ended up having fun holiday sex which was awesome (he has not been in the mood much lately due to stress so I had let go of any expectations in that area – feel like we are in a much better place now :-D )

It was just the most perfect holiday, he likes to explore places and takes such good care of me. We went for the most gorgeous meal on the evening of my actual birthday at a fabulous taverna with a balcony overlooking the sea – you couldn't get more romantic – and then had a bit of a dance at the cheesy resort disco as I'd said how much I felt like dancing :-p Sunday we had massages and a lovely coastal walk and Monday we flew back home after exploring the town a little.

Tuesday morning he brings me tea in bed and I think I've got the best husband ever :-D

It was truly the most fabulous birthday and I'm really looking forward to my forties now, not viewing them with dread as I had been!

Reflection and Learning Points

Afterwards when I thought back on it all, I felt like I had to admit to myself that I hadn't whole-heartedly been trusting him. In all truth I had probably been expecting to be let down, but hoping to be proven wrong. So I take responsibility there for not really having the faith I was striving to have, which could well have affected the outcome. I was acting as RPW as possible throughout, but there is a different level when it gets into your heart, and I hadn't quite achieved that. However I think the experience has been so great for both of us that we have done a lot of the learning we needed to do.

In fact this whole experience has shown me that he is honestly more sensitive than me. (People always tell me I'm so sensitive so it must be rare to be more so!). He really wants to please me and is not always confident in his ability to do so....Which I guess is a beta trait, but I am here to inspire him to be the best he can be, not knock him down when he tries.....I am certainly not perfect either but with the RPW guidance I am improving all the time and it is reflecting in both of us.

In future I will listen more carefully to his words and when he says things like I should surprise you it indicates he is feeling obliged rather than that he really wants to do something. So I should gently encourage him to let go of such feelings of obligation and separate them from his true desires. Clarity on goals and motivations is important for self-actualisation.

Another time if he expresses that he's not sure of his ability I will neither take over nor simply tell him words of encouragement, I will ask him what resources does he think he needs in order to achieve his aim? Then I will be able to help facilitate (add value) without taking control.

That's all!! Thanks for reading and thanks for the inspiration and faith RPW :-D

TL;DR I trusted him, He let me down, We salvaged things, It was awesome!