Just spreading my wings

Camille11325 · 2016-09-19T01:30:09+00:00

Welcome to the sub! I gave your post an "advice" flair but if you wanted something different feel free to change it or let me know! Can you let us know more about your schedule and your hobbies? We'd be able to give more specific suggestions if we know how you currently spend your time. Also what methods do you use to plan your day/week and remind you of upcoming obligations?

TempestTcup · 2016-09-19T19:21:18+00:00

Why aren't you meeting men while doing all of your outdoor activities? There are clubs for all of the hobbies you mentioned, and there should be plenty of men in those clubs. If you can share an interest, then you wouldn't have to carve out time for one or the other (the man or the hobby).

Sunhappy_DC · 2016-09-19T12:49:52+00:00

Never tie your identity to things that are accessible outside of you. External things change and fade away through the different seasons of your life. I've been at least through 5 seasons in my 20s alone. I used to tie my identity to my job in government relations, and when that was over, I thought my life was worthless. It took me another 2 years to get my life back on track. Now my identity is strictly internal. My hobbies, hometown, career, friends, even family may change, but I'll still be who I decide to be. Congrats btw for wanting to define yourself again.

WRT your hobbies, they're things we do to 1) express ourselves and 2) kill time. Don't let your hobbies be an obstacle to building intimacy with a new man. I think it's good to have things you enjoy doing exclusively for and by yourself. If you guys don't share the same interests, but the chemistry is there, find hobbies or activities yall can do together. That is always fun and rewarding to the relationship.

Best of luck!!!

LifterofThings · 2016-09-19T19:55:47+00:00

I find it difficult to know what to tell you here. You seem to be (rightly) motivated to avoid making the same mistakes in future that lead to the demise of your marriage. That being said, HE was the one who turned outside the marriage to try to fix problems that existed within it, and we'll never know (despite speculation) what his reasons actually were. The shitty reality of the situation is that there is no guarantee that this won't happen again-- you can be more careful about who you trust in future, you can be the most proactive, best wife that you can be... and he could still leave because you don't control his actions. :( This is the risk you take in caring about anybody.

I sorta get that you're picking up all these hobbies as a reaction to your divorce, rather than out of some internal drive that exists as an integral part of you. This is totally understandable. You a) get to fix what you perceive as being what's wrong with you (you feel that you're boring) and b) they serve as a barrier to (scary) vulnerability and intimacy-- if you have a strong non-negotiable identity outside of "wife", then you won't be as damaged by the end of future relationships.

The trouble is that this sets you up for failure before you've even started a new relationship. Holding back and putting up walls, while safe and reassuring for you, really kind of prevent true intimacy. I still struggle with this personally-- vulnerability is SO HARD. Moreover, the sort of good family-centric patriarch that you'd want to have a quiet family life with (assuming this is still what you want) is going to be put off by your adherence to your "me time" hobbies. A man who's going to give you his all does not want to be "slotted in" among your other priorities.

If I were you, OP, I might take some time to figure out whether I want to pursue a separate hobbies, separate friends type relationship dynamic or the spouse as best friend, quiet family dynamic. Both can work, but imo the latter type is going to be a lot harder to make work in terms of vetting for a man who's serious about commitment, and who can work around the fact that you have kids.

But, yeah... tl;dr, you're not going to find a family patriarch-type man who's going to be content to have time "carved out" for him among your other priorities, so you're going to have to re-evaluate.

Sorry you're going through this, OP. Best of luck!

CoochQuarantine · 2016-09-19T13:05:39+00:00

I believe I'm older than most of you so this may not be as relevant.

Don't be so sure about that. lol

What I'm getting from your post is that you are just so excited to be single that the idea of being in a relationship scares you. You didn't give much about your past relationship so I can only assume that bad choices were made on both of your parts (which is generally the case even though some people would like to think the blame lay mostly on their ex's side of the street).

What I want to say is that as a single mother myself... look for a single father. They are really the only ones that will totally understand your time consumption because they will have the same time requirements that you have. You might find a guy who is single with no kids that can deal with a huge time constraint on your end.... BUT really do you want a guy like that? A guy who DOESN'T care that he spends time with you? A guy that DOESN'T seem invested enough to say that your time with him matters? Personally, I wouldn't want that.

A single father will understand the kid time constraints. Now as for the hobbies, this is where it is just baggage from your previous relationship. You are overcompensating because you couldn't find balance before and now you want to overdo it with the activities. You are going to another extreme. It just doesn't seem like you are ready for a relationship at this point. Not that you couldn't get there, but after being with someone for 19 years, 2 years being alone you need to get it together if you want a relationship at all. I'm not in anyway advocating one way or another, but the way you are going about it is not conducive to finding a partner in life. You are just doing things to make YOU feel better. When you get in a relationship, you have to give up a part of yourself to become a "WE" unit. Until you are ready for that then just stay single.

jade_cat · 2016-09-19T18:07:35+00:00

How to convey that I'm willing/able to make time for a guy when asked what I'm doing or what my interests/ hobbies are?

The wording in itself is problematic. "make time for a guy"? It sounds like you treat men as if they were one of your hobbies. "Ok so from 1 to 4 is kayak and 5 to 7 is time with SO". Why would a man settle for that?

How do I balance a relationship and being there without completely losing myself again- becoming that boring person who has no interests of her own.

There are 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week. Find what your priorities are. You can't have it all.

SexistFlyingPig · 2016-09-19T02:41:55+00:00

What are you hoping to find here? You're not really wanting to be a red pill wife, are you?

Title	Just spreading my wings
Author	RanchingMama
Upvotes	4
Comments	48
Date	September 19, 2016 12:00 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/53ewwk/just_spreading_my_wings/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/just-spreading-my-wings.209572 https://theredarchive.com/post/209572

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