A few questions on surrendering.

Kara__El · 2019-05-18T15:38:22+00:00

You have to consider your own relationship first. Any book you read or post you read is a road map. If you know the bridge is out somewhere, you take a different route.

My husband and I tease each other a lot. That's how he wants it. Sometimes, I'm the one who has to pull the plug on the teasing, almost never him. If I stopped doing that with him, he'd think I was losing interest. I know that, just as you know that not helping your guy would hurt him, so don't do it.

It's great to get ideas on how to improve and navigate your relationship, but don't drive your car off the bridge, just because that's the way the map said to go.

thatbadlarry · 2019-05-18T16:39:50+00:00

You’re totally overthinking this. Being surrendered does not mean not giving input (especially when he genuinely wants it) or having no opinion whatsoever. That kind of relationship won’t have room to grow and it’s really boring. Don’t make yourself human tofu.

theawaregirl · 2019-05-18T19:45:43+00:00

I'd love to be a buddy if you wanna chat. I don't really have female friends I can talk to about this stuff, either, so I'd love to have someone!
There is no cookie-cutter, this works for everyone method to relationships. She says not to give opinions in the book, but my fiance and I bonded over our political debates and love having them. I've even talked to him about it and he has said how important those are to him. Similarly, she says never to correct your man. My fiance has made it clear that he'd be extremely upset if I knew we were messing up and said nothing out of fear of "disrespecting" him. He believes it is more disrespectful to say nothing because I think he can't handle his emotions if his woman corrects him (which, by his logic, I totally agree with!). You are not Laura Doyle. What worked for her may not work for you. Don't overthink it. Use it as a guide, take what resonates, and leave the rest!

kaylin_xx3 · 2019-05-18T20:28:44+00:00

The book is definitely not a one size fits all. You take the concepts and apply it to your relationship where it works. If it doesn't work, don't use it. Take what you need and leave what you don't. If it would upset your husband to stop doing some of the things you're already doing, don't stop doing them!

HB3234 · 2019-05-23T18:51:50+00:00

This is Laura's strategy for deflecting tasks you are letting go of. The way I read it, it is specific to duties - not shared hobbies! So, if he is supposed to take care of the finances but keeps asking you about it, "whatever you think" is a way to put the ball back in his court, where it belongs.

If both of you genuinely enjoy re-doing the furniture together, there is no reason to stop.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-05-22T18:04:50+00:00

it seems as though I'm not supposed to take "bait" by helping when he asks for it.

I don't think I'd accept this as a hard and fast rule. If you're spending time with him by helping him, he asks for it, and you both enjoy it, then it's a bonding activity. Go for it!

He is constantly rearranging things in the house (he woodworks and such so he is constantly making new things for the house) and he LOVES for me to help.

Sounds like he's creative and artsy. So your input would be very valuable, as an (I assume) creative and artistic person yourself. Nothing wrong there.

Also should I not joke with him?

Joking is fine. But putdowns, even gentle ones, can wear at a man; it depends upon the circumstances. The secret to doing it is to make the sarcasm impossible to take seriously, or even to make it positive. "Agree and amplify" but in a positive way. Let me give you an example:

"NK, where did you disappear with your husband last night? Why didn't you come back to the party?"

negative tease "I went to the store to buy tweezers so we could fool around."

positive tease "Tripod over here wore me out and I couldn't walk afterwards."

Both teasing, both hyperbolic, but one is flattering (although ridiculous) and one is insulting (and ridiculous). If you were going to be teasing/sarcastic, which should you use? It should be obvious.

Also, if you learn verbal judo (or simply discuss the topic frankly with your man if you are up for it), you can steer teasing into a realm that makes both of you happier by making the teasing more positive and constructive. I know a guy who calls his wife "fatty" in a loving manner (and she likes it - she's always pregnant so it's kinda true) but what if he called her curvy instead? When my wife acts like a ditz I don't call her Idiot or other negative names, I use one of Robert Heinlein's nicknames for her - I call her Dizzy Baggage. She laughs.

Words matter, and there are tens of thousands of them in the English language. You can say the same thing with words that are loving or hateful or neutral. Pick your words with a little more care and you'll find everybody a bit happier. And that is what I think the real meaning behind "no teasing" is.

Title	A few questions on surrendering.
Author	NerdyKittie
Upvotes	8
Comments	9
Date	May 18, 2019 2:46 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/bq4qym/a_few_questions_on_surrendering/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/a-few-questions-on-surrendering.238803 https://theredarchive.com/post/238803

Comments