Am I doing something wrong?

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-08-01T19:36:39+00:00

If you're dating online, make sure you're sending the first message, too. Men get so few messages, first or otherwise, that they just don't put in a ton of effort, because it doesn't really change their results. Sending an open ended first message that shows you looked at their profile is a great way to get a conversation going.

"Cute dog! I love corgis. Did you know they were the Queen's breed of choice?"

A lot of women fear this will make them the pursuer, but that's really not the case with OLD. The entire purpose of online dating is to connect with a person who has a few things in common and meet. It doesn't matter who sends the first message.

Obviously make sure you're opening yourself up to meet someone in person, too. Be cute. Be approachable. Online dating is the number one way people meet, so there's nothing wrong with using apps. Just make sure you're not missing opportunities elsewhere, too.

Edited to add: It's also worth being honest with yourself about whether or not you've blown off a lot of decent guys. I had friends who used online dating for validation for years, only to realize no one wanted to talk to them when they were ready to get serious. If a decent guy messaged you in the past and you blew him off, you're unlikely to have luck with him again. If you feel like this might be the case, I'd recommend altering your search parameters, specifically distance, to give you some fresh matches.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-08-02T05:52:34+00:00

Most men like women who are fit, feminine, and fun. That should be what you were aiming at. I mean, assuming you want a husband.

Im postgrad

“That grad degree looks so sexy on you,” - said no man, ever.

I mean, good for you and everything, but given a choice between an independent woman with a grad degree and a pleasant woman who can cook, 99% of dudes are gonna prefer the second one.

In a relationship, counteract your “independence“ by asking for help. Opening stuck jars, stuck windows whatever. Find something that you can ask your man to do for you and ask him to do it for you. Throw in about 10% “damsel in distress” - You’ll thank me later.

mistressusa · 2024-08-01T20:41:21+00:00

Sometimes when men call you "intimidating", they mean you exude masculine energy. So qualities like argumentative, rude, dull, take things the wrong way, easy to offend, etc.

purple_popsicles · 2024-08-01T19:40:01+00:00

Relying on Dms isn’t a good method. I would recommend getting on the apps.

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2024-08-01T19:09:50+00:00

Are you attractive, pleasant, supportive, gracious, fun, agreeable, gentle, and/or playful? Having your shit together is not a problem, but being competitive and overly independent would likely be a turn off. Do you let men know you’re interested and available in non-slutty ways?

plein_old · 2024-08-02T14:35:52+00:00

I have my sht together

I don't know you, but I would guess that you are someone who 1. likes to brag, and 2. likes to swear, and 3. likes to compete with other people.

What if the men that you are attracted to are interested in women who are humble, gentle and able to complement their own qualities?

Also, how do you know you have your sht together? Whose standards are you using?

Pagirum · 2024-08-02T00:47:29+00:00

Depends on the man. All the advice you'll get here on reddit would be generalized to a degree. Here are something to consider-

What type of man are you looking to attract ?
What type do you actually end up attracting ?
Being independent isn't a turn off per say but many men will feel they can't match your standards. They may instinctively feel a need to protect themselves from critism.

I know some men who earn way less than their SOs or are less accomplished than them (including this guy, ex was a professor). There's this guy whose wife has a PhD but he doesn't have a college degree. He runs his business. Here's the thing though, his wife does not think he is any less intelligent than her.

Sometimes you've to let the guy make the decisions and steer the ship.

Familiar_Accident802 · 2024-08-03T14:54:07+00:00

You’re looking at it from a bad perspective; you’re assuming most men are looking for what we (as women) want in a relationship: degrees, power, having shit together. While being stable and intelligent will add you points, it’s not an absolute determinant.

What the difference is in the end, comes down to how femenine you are.

ActuallyASwordfish · 2024-08-01T19:12:48+00:00

I would not depend on the Internet and “dms” for dating. It seems like you would have better luck going out in person and meeting someone. If there is a nearby upscale bar or place like a marina you could try and meet someone there! I honestly have NEVER considered dating anyone who tried to speak to me through an internet app, but I’m super weird about the internet 😅

Peanut_Cheese888 · 2024-08-02T06:45:59+00:00

Perhaps it’s your pictures? Get them checked first. While talking try to avoid talking about postgrad and work as much as you can 😅

Different_Win_5561 · 2024-08-03T12:16:04+00:00

Definitely downplay the PhD. Only 2% have one. It’s an accomplishment, I get it, but right or wrong men want to feel powerful and worthy. You don’t want to eliminate 49 of 50 candidates by flexing a PhD.

That said, I work in a field where everyone has an advanced degree. There are times where my field of geekery intersects with a PhD females field of geekery, and we are throwing flowers and running across the field because someone understands WTF we are talking about for once. That usually leads to engaging and deep conversations and could provide a spark if they didn’t live half way across the country(I travel a lot for work).

So maybe a selective dating app for the well educated? Or the bar at a conference for your geeky area of interest?

AutoModerator · 2024-08-01T18:58:42+00:00

Title: Am I doing something wrong?

Author shelbsnd

Full text: 28 (F) here- struggling to understand what I am doing wrong in terms of dating- I have my sht together, Im postgrad, have pretty good self confidence, work and exercise regularly while maintaining a healthy social life- I have been told that I am attractive. Despite all this my DMs are dryyyyy and I see little to no pursuit from guys…. I have been called “intimidating” by some men and I’m not sure why? Is knowing what I want scaring them away? Do I need a mindset shift? Why are all these men afraid of a girl with her sht together? Wouldn’t they want that? Pls help shift me into a better perspective here I’m about to give up on dating lol

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Fun-Escape5265 · 2024-08-05T23:24:54+00:00

They are probably actually intimidated given you’re accomplished! It sucks…

Omw-to-zion · 2024-08-07T18:22:18+00:00

Hey, well I think it depends on the man you are looking for. Men and women compliment eachother so they shouldn’t be competing against eachother.

If you want a man that is an alpha male, he want a girl that is soft, feminine and motherly. Men do not care about how many degrees or how much money you have. Earning potential is what women look for in men. Men want a woman that isn’t domineering or combative, someone that reminds them of their mother, and someone that creates a respite for him to come home to.

Some men are okay with a woman breadwinner but often times those aren’t the men that women typically chose.

Ask yourself what you want in life and what you’re willing/not willing to sacrifice.

Affectionate_Mind756 · 2024-08-08T08:27:46+00:00

you don't have any problem. your problem is being too perfect. man feel pressured when their date is better than they are so they would not go for it. they feel intimidated for a woman who is better than they are.

but you could still find a good husband if you are willing to be the one taking the initiative and pursuing them. go to places where the best man are and flirt with them, or go to social media and dating apps and start pursuing them. some might ignore you, than you just move on to the next target. and never target one at a time, target multiple at once, so you can filter between the ones who answer for the best ones. make questions, show interest, get information about your targets and when you find a information that means that guy is a deal breaker, cut off the communication.

aniqa9 · 2024-08-02T00:07:22+00:00

This is just from observation, but most men that see a beautiful and successful woman with outstanding qualities won't continue to pursue them because they may fall short in some department and do not want to feel inferior to you because of that, or because they feel like they can't "afford" you and that you would be better off with someone more successful than them. They will also excuse their rejection by saying that you seem more "business-minded" and deflect their statement by saying they want a woman who will set aside enough time to do relationship things. I feel like they're projecting their insecurities by saying things like this, and even if they don't say it, they might think it.

You have your shit together at 28, I'd be so proud of that accomplishment. Take the advice others have stated here and I hope you will find a man who will love and value you for being successful and/or a breadwinner without feeling jealous or projecting in some type of way.

Edit: I'm also not sure if you've seen that one Jubilee? (I think) clip where a woman who had qualities much like you described about yourself (and is a successful entreprenaur) and got rejected by 8/9 of the guys because of the reasons I listed before. It didn't matter how much they complimented or admired her for being a strong, beautiful, independent woman, but nobody was expecting that outcome, so that just proves that point even further.

Nalisahk · 2024-08-03T01:53:05+00:00

Having your stuff together isn’t intimidating. It is attractive but it isn’t the most impactful aspect of a woman to determine how attracted men are to her. Like it’s nice, but think about it. If it mattered that much, it would kind of signal being attracted for the wrong reasons. Like how having your stuff together can be a big deal for a woman’s attract towards a man but go too far and it’s taken as being shallow/gold digger.

I naively think it’s honestly so much easier for women when it comes to the relationship stuff so I’m surprised to hear you dissatisfied.

If you want my practical 2 cents that could easily spice things up, this is what I would say.

Actually know the kind of guys you want to be with and try to….ya know, talk to them. Speak with them. Hell even flirt with them. Guys are so easy yet they have it so hard. If a girl makes a move it’ll make a world’s of difference. With so much going on in the world today I guy has to truly considering risking his life and reputation when approaching a girl. You must really don’t know huh? 😂 go approach someone you’re interested in for the right reasons and then boom. It’s that easy.

Independent-Story883 · 2024-08-03T06:54:06+00:00

No. I also don't think you should apologize for being yourself. You are intelligent. So are men. Men know what they want just as much as you.

You mentioned “little to no pursuit” - I think a strong dating profile weeds the men out for you. The “ little bit of men” you have attracted desire whatever you are putting out there. Congratulations! Work with them. They like your trueself. Be grateful.

Yes there are ways to attract more with simple changes in profile wording and pictures. If you change things up you may be disappointed with the results. Quantity does not mean quality. Please consider You may not be a good long-term choice for the newly interested parties and vice versa. Why try to attract large numbers of dates that you know will not be marriage material for you?

If you desire a certain type of man meaning you Think a certain type will be a good longterm fit for you; learn what they like and why they like it. Its just that simple.

Don't start off thinking they are wrong, confused or missing out. Don't say men need to change their mind. After all, you would not like if a date that didn't meet your expectations approached you with that thought.

Enjoy!

Legendarydom1983 · 2024-08-03T19:21:49+00:00

I’ve never, in all 41 years of my life, ever heard of a man calling a woman “intimidating” because she has her shț together. Women claim that men find them intimidating because of that but I’ve never EVER heard of a man saying that. It might happen but it’s never because she has a good job and is independent. Men don’t get intimidated by that, they get intimidated by youth and extraordinary good looks and that doesn’t intimidate them on social media, only in person, otherwise, the posts of gorgeous Instagram women wouldn’t be filled with thousands of comments. It’s not that a man doesn’t like that a woman has her shț together, it’s that he doesn’t care at all about that. It’s kind of like a man trying to impress a woman by telling her that he can name all the players of the US male soccer team. It’s not that she doesn’t like that, it’s that she doesn’t care about that at all. It doesn’t make him more or less attractive to her. Women try to impress men with the things that would impress them and that is a huge mistake. Unfortunately, many women that are “strong, independent and have their shț together” do tend to let that go to their head and affect their femininity, so it’s not the “having your shț together” that bother us, it’s how you start to think once you do. Men are more interested in other qualities like being docile, respectful, service oriented, feminine, submissive, loving, vulnerable, caring, etc. And women that are “strong and independent” start to think that they no longer need a man, when men like to feel useful and needed. If we are not needed then we think “why even be here?”. We like to be providers and protectors, if you give an attitude of not needed that from a man then you don’t awaken our natural instinct to protect and provide. A woman that shows honest vulnerability does that. Also, keep in mind you’re 28. Your prime (18 to 24) is long gone. If you are still only focused on finding the 6 foot tall, 35 year old, built, model looking, millionaire, you are not going to find the right man. That man is right now trying to decide between the many model looking vulnerable and feminine 18 to 23 year olds with no children and with very low or even zero body counts that are showing him that they desperately want to be with him. You’re not gonna come in and sweep him off his feet by playing games or ignoring him. You can’t get his attention at this point.

Let me put it this way. If right now your DM’s were FILLED to the top with messages of model looking, charming, tall, millionaire men and a lower-middle class, slightly overweight 60 year old from work started to ignore you to try to get your attention, would you care?

What I’m trying to get at is that you need to lower your expectations if they are too high and stop thinking that men are intimidated or care at all about your financial status or independence. A man would much rather marry the nice girl from McDonald’s than the masculine girl from Wall Street. When choosing between 2 girls at a McDonalds or 2 girls from Wall Street, he will choose the better looking more feminine one that will bring him the most peace and love when he gets home from a hard day at work. The one that will receive him with dinner on the table, a smile on her face, a kiss and a hug… and maybe a tiny little skirt lol

ak_z · 2024-08-02T00:03:42+00:00

on another post you talk about THC. Are you F or T?

Title	Am I doing something wrong?
Author	shelbsnd
Upvotes	13
Comments	38
Date	August 1, 2024 6:58 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1ehopwv/am_i_doing_something_wrong/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/am-i-doing-something-wrong.1526032 https://theredarchive.com/post/1526032

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