Boundaries about his friends?

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2023-11-24T13:38:41+00:00

This seems like an extension of every other insecurity that you have brought up here. Have you been successful in overcoming any of the past challenges you have described?

It sounds like you feel there is a magic combination of people/situations/experiences that will cause your relationship to end. There isn’t. You can’t control him or anything he does, and even if you could, you cannot predict the actual outcome of what you think the correct combination would be. Maybe spending time with this friend reinforces how happy your boyfriend is with his own choices.

It also seems like you don’t trust your boyfriend enough to know his own mind and don’t totally believe his commitment to you. That is also probably related to your relationship anxiety that you have described before. I hope you’re still working on this, and that you’re able to be more open with your therapist about your goals and values.

In order to have a successful relationship you need to be able to let go and trust him. If you don’t trust him, there is no amount of reassurance he could give or hoops he could jump through that will change your mind because you will always be able to think of something new that you perceive as a threat to your relationship, and when that happens none of the things he has done to reassure you in the past will matter, and he will eventually resent this cycle of behavior. And even if he did change and do everything you ask to feel reassured, you would probably end up less attracted to him for not standing his ground.

This trust is tied to your respect for him. Worrying about how his friends might influence him (given what you wrote here) is disrespectful to him as it’s doubting his integrity, his commitment to you and your relationship, and his agency in choosing how he wants to live his life.

I hope some of this is helpful, i don’t think you actually don’t trust or respect him, given your previous posts, but I think these issues are manifestations of your anxieties and insecurities, and you know the issue is coming from you, not him.

Jenneapolis · 2023-11-24T16:49:33+00:00

This is honestly why having your own interests is important. When he’s out doing something else, you need something to do other than sit around and think about the worst case scenario. I’m not saying you have to go out as well, maybe it’s just reading a book or watching a show you are excited about, but being intentional about doing something fun for yourself when he is gone.

When he comes home, is he in a happier mood? I always noticed this with my ex, when he went out and came back, he was overly happy to see me than usual and I ate up the attention so even though I missed him when he was gone, I was happy about the benefits that came to me when he returned. If that’s the case for you too, focus on that as well.

vintagegirlgame · 2023-11-24T21:13:55+00:00

Girl you just need to focus on making your own friends and enjoying your own hobbies, so when he’s out with this one friend once in a blue moon then you aren’t just at home worrying.

It sounds like he judges this friend’s lack of integrity and commitment anyway, so the parts about you thinking he’s being tempted to live that lifestyle are all in your head.

boomtao · 2023-11-24T17:28:07+00:00

You are making it very difficult for yourself, unnecessarily so!

You have to make a decision: either trust your bf, or don't (but than don't get engaged!).

Obviously, we readers don't know, but by what you have written I get the impression that your bf is a solid, good man. You have chosen him as your partner, so you should trust yourself and him.

If you know, deep in your heart, that he is honest, honorable, caring and mature then simply surrender (fully) to your trust and let go of your jealousy and worries. Let it go! You are making yourself crazy with that jealousy, and, more importantly, you are indeed sabotaging your own happiness and relationship. By relaxing and giving up the useless worry you are releasing so much negative energy.

From my male's perspective (sorry to be breaking into your female space. I respectfully lurk here once in a while only to be inspired and learn from you), I can tell you that it feels extremely good to be fully trusted by the woman in your life. It makes us feel manly, mature and respected (because not being trusted is being disrespected!). Also, we always want to live up to that trust, since breaking a woman's trust breaks our heart, makes us feel like losers and makes us sick in our stomach. The last thing we want to do is disappoint the woman we love, or hurt her.

My two cents ...

AutoModerator · 2023-11-24T10:33:24+00:00

Title: Boundaries about his friends?

Author Consistent_Sleep_341

Full text: Hello ladies,

Thanks for reading. Feel free to read my previous posts for more context. I’m about to get engaged and move in my boyfriend of one year. He is from a very liberal European country and in the past had liberal relationships (mostly monogamous but also hook ups, more open ones, etc.) but you know, going out to party with friends while girlfriend went out with her friends, etc.) I am 9 years younger (24) and though I did have a party phase, it has long since been over and I don’t really have friends anymore because of moving a lot. This of course has limited my social interactions a lot, especially considering most girls my age just want to party, and the couple of times I have gone out to a bar with another girl he has trusted me completely because he knows I’m not going to be flirting with other guys and it’s not really my scene, and once again in his culture it’s completely normal to do so.

He has strong boundaries nonetheless, unspoken rules about me not having male friends/dressing too provocatively/posting thirst traps/partying consistently, etc. We spend a lot of time together because we work together and spend 90% of our weekends together and he rarely sees his old friends. However, every time he does I feel extremely insecure. I let him have fun with them in peace and don’t call him or anything, but it’s an internal struggle. His best friend is in a relationship and knows me, doesn’t like partying etc so I’m not bothered.

But then he has this one friend whom he sees maybe once every month and a half, who likes to party and date many girls and cheats on casual relationships and I just get super insecure about it. I told him once and he said that I shouldn’t assume he’s like this guy and that we are way more committed than any of the casual relationships of this guy. And that if he heard how he talks about me with him I wouldnt be worried. He’s also referenced how his friend will end up alone if he keeps living like that.

I have met him and got invited once to their going out (just having a drink) but it still makes me super insecure because he dates around a lot, and theres no way thats a good influence.

Again they barely see each other and my boyfriend is otherwise showing his commitment to me, has quit porn, is respectful overall etc., but it just makes me super uneasy. However the last thing I want to do is to limit his freedom/restrict/put rules on him. In this country it’s super normal to go out with friends, even if the other friend is single etc., and he’s already changed a lot (not just for me, he prefers a more traditional relationship in general).

I just don’t want to dread these outings forever but I also don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend/fiancée who doesn’t let him hang out with his friends. Yesterday they hung out after like a month and they did work together at an office, and possibly went out after (I wouldn’t know because I avoid talking to him when he’s out with friends to calm my anxiety). And I just keep thinking how this guy probably talks about the girls he dates and how he probably cheats, and how they look at their pics and my boyfriend probably feels like he’s missing out or god knows, and it just doesn’t make me feel good in the slightest. I have a tendency to overthink/ruminate/sabotage, so I don’t want to create unnecessary drama but I also want respect. Advice?

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Title	Boundaries about his friends?
Author	Consistent_Sleep_341
Upvotes	6
Comments	23
Date	November 24, 2023 10:33 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/182pa2w/boundaries_about_his_friends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/boundaries-about-his-friends.1239229 https://theredarchive.com/post/1239229

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