Caught him going through my things.

Girfex · 2015-08-08T04:42:52+00:00

Male-fellow here, also a victim of a cheating lady. That sort of betrayal of trust takes cheating from a hypothetical idea to a very realistic sort of thing. Not entirely unlike having your home burglarized. If it's never happened to you (wonderful!), then home security is an idea. It's hard to take too seriously. Sure you lock your doors, that's just what people do, but you don't really think about it.

Then one day, it happens. You're devastated, but you replace the stolen bits, you recover, hopefully some little prick goes to jail, and you move on. But now, you double check that the doors are locked. You think to yourself right before you fall asleep, "am I sure I locked every door?". You get a security alarm. A big dog. motion sensor flood lights. It's not an idea anymore, something you've only heard about, now it's real.

You may feel safe, in general, but now home security is something you really think about. And you always will.

Once you're cheated on, a little paranoia will always be there. Some will handle it better than others, sure, but it's always a real thing now.

Unless it's desperately bothering you, (and you already said you weren't angry), I'd leave it. The evidence (or lack thereof) will help comfort him and reassure him more than words will. Someone he cared for has already broken his trust, but facts cannot lie, and that is what will help him feel better about your fidelity. And knowing he found nothing will already make him feel bad for not trusting you, and snooped for nothing.

Unless he makes a huge habit of it, then a talk might be necessary to address why it became a larger habit.

LifterofThings · 2015-08-08T04:05:02+00:00

I'd leave it. There's no need to make an issue out of it-- you say he's been hurt before and probably doesn't feel great about this point of vulnerability in him, so don't poke at it.

Just keep being your open, devoted self.

rebelterp · 2015-08-08T03:58:04+00:00

35 year old married make here.

He may have just had a "moment" of insecurity and thought to look. If you are as faithful as you say you are, he probably found nothing, felt bad about it and wants to move on.

You can talk about it to him, be direct and let him know straight up that he's welcomed to your phone anytime. He probably won't take you up on the offer as the gesture says plenty about your honesty.

StingrayVC · 2015-08-08T12:34:10+00:00

I understand that he's been hurt terribly before and is working excessively.

Leave it. Bringing it up when he's been cheated on before and when he is this stressed with only emasculate him no matter how compassionate you try to be.

It needs to be addressed

And it can be, but the best way to do it will take a lot of time. Address it by doing what you are doing plus continuing to grow in your relationship. Be loyal, be loving, be caring and be strong in your patience.

Girfex had a great analogy below about being burglarized. He might always be wary of this but as time goes on it will get better and better because you will continue to show him your devotion.

Be patient with him and let it go.

adistantplanet · 2015-08-08T14:24:41+00:00

If you've given him no reason to suspect you, honestly I'd bring it up with him. I'm fairly certain we have all experienced hurt before, and that's not a valid excuse for going through the current partner's phone.

Ent87 · 2015-08-10T04:57:44+00:00

Even if you know that you know, that you know, it's still therapeutic to verify things as a way to relieve stress. So I wouldn't think of it as a trust issue at all, more like a husband who just wants to forget about himself for a moment. Finding out every little detail that has occurred on the home front is a stress-reliever for most part, especially if it's told in a light hearted manner. It can even be a stress reliever for women to give a daily account of transpired events, not a to do list just a fun report.

A husband should actually be a bit worried if his wife isn't talking and sharing as much as possible, not because it's issue of trust, but because it could become a stress-related matter which then can actually lead to negative/distrustful assumptions etc.

Who is distrusting who really? And who is the one who is really stressed/worried?

prettylittledictator · 2015-08-22T03:56:33+00:00

My boyfriend did this when I let him use my laptop. He went through my emails and Facebook...found nothing of course. He didn't tell me but I kinda internally laughed.

It didn't bother me but I addressed it immediately. He apologized and that was it.

He's never been cheated on but I guess men get a little insecure? Idk. I left it alone.

If it becomes a habit then we have to talk since something is bothering him.

iamz3ro · 2015-08-08T09:32:34+00:00

As they say; "If she's bitching at you constantly, then suddenly stops, she's busy elsewhere". This could be a case of "She's awfully good at being a woman, something must be up". Bring this up with him, let him know what's up, he will probably confess to the above. Take it as a compliment too, he must care for you to be worried enough to check.

MentORPHEUS · 2015-08-08T20:14:55+00:00

If this is the "verify" part of "Trust, but verify." then I would not worry. The greater context determines if this is healthy or not. Assuming he's an overall good partner and not unreasonably paranoid/suspicious/accusatory in day to day life, I wouldn't worry.

Only if it was part of a larger, less-than-optimal pattern, or part of a sudden unprovoked change of his behavior would it become a concern.

cdogg75 · 2015-08-09T02:29:11+00:00

Leave a note somewhere on your phone saying Hi to him, say that you love him and all kinds of other sweet things. He will not confront you on what he found because he would have to admit his looking, but the note would be a sign that you know, don't care, and a little extra reassurance he may have been looking for. Just a little fun to be had about the situation for you both

hedinc · 2015-08-09T23:07:47+00:00

You sound like a good woman OP...

KatherineKelly · 2015-08-08T20:19:14+00:00

I would be worried if my SO was not worried I may be having an affair (not because I am untrustworthy but because there is so much temptation "options/choices" being thrown in my path). In my opinion it is better to have someone fear losing you than taking you for granted.

People take for granted what they do not value but fear losing what they do value.

As long as it does not tip over into crazy territory where he becomes paranoid and dangerous. I have had that experience and it stops being fun in a hurry when that happens. Balance in everything.

Love him fully and completely but he should know that you are a woman with options and choices.

I do not run dread intentionally because I refuse to be manipulative but I also know that "who I am" and "what I am" makes me " someone costly to lose" because I am not easily replaceable.

In my opinion never ever allow yourself to be taken for granted.

What you do with the life you are given will largely decide whether this happens or not.

boozted07 · 2015-08-08T20:20:27+00:00

He looked through your phone, who cares? Bring him lunch at work. Do something for him to show him even when he is at work you are thinking of him. Super simple stuff really.

Title	Caught him going through my things.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	34
Comments	43
Date	August 8, 2015 3:35 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3g7hxl/caught_him_going_through_my_things/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/caught-him-going-through-my-things.2297 https://theredarchive.com/post/2297

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