This came up over in TRP and a fellow was talking about the fact that whenever he talked to his wife about being scared, worried, needing support, etc, it always freaked her out and ended up with her being angry at him. I wrote the reply below to him based on my own experience (24 year marriage) and it turned from a paragraph into a novella. I thought I would repost my reply here in full, to see what the women had to say about it, especially if there are other/better options. I don't claim to be an expert, I don't even play one on TV.

(He complains that his wife is not emotionally supportive despite saying she wants him to talk about his feelings)

This sounds remarkably like the early years of my own marriage. Does this sound familiar?

Her: "Tell me how you are feeling."

Me: "I'm really upset about this situation at work, I don't feel like I'm valued enough and it keeps me up at night worrying."

Her: "OH MY GOD We'll have to sell the house! Our lives are over! This is a disaster! Everything is ruined!" (Goes into a complete panic)

You want support; you end up trying to calm her down. You need commiseration; you end up expending even more energy soothing her and convincing her it's not the end of the world.

Or worse, you get mad at her and lash out, shouting things like, "Why are you not supportive? Why do you always immediately make everything about you?" This only results in an utterly wasted two hours of crying and long emotional talks about her problems and issues, when all you really ever wanted was for her to tell you, "It's OK, I'm sure you can handle it, and I'll do everything I can to stick by your side and help you, whatever happens."

Been there, done that, fully digested the t-shirt. Here's how I adapted, FWIW, in case it might help. YMMV, etc.

Learn to use code words and tell her directly what you want from her rather than hoping for or expecting natural supportiveness. You're just never going to be able to use terms like "devastated", "upset", "wrecked", etc. When she hears words like that, she immediately panics. Instead, use "difficult" or "stressed" or "challenging". You're not "totally worried about your job and really upset over it", you're "dealing with difficulties at work and that's why you might seem terse." You have "a big challenge" with work right now. These are things she can hear without freaking out because... Why? Who knows? Maybe the different phrasing suggests to her that you're still manly, you're just distracted because you're wrestling extra-large bears at work this week. Whatever the underlying process may be, that's my big lesson - Frame the issue to her as if you are Captain Kirk suddenly having to deal with Klingons attacking the base or something, not in terms that suggest you are helpless, out of control, or otherwise on the edge of a collapse that you have no power over. If your wife is like mine, you'll be amazed at how much of a difference this will make. (And frankly, it will make a difference in your own confidence too, crazy though it may sound)

Second, don't expect outpourings of sympathy. Tell her what you need from her. Exactly. "I've got an unusually tough project at work right now and it's really putting up a fight. I need you to give me some time to decompress when I come home, and make a couple extra evening meals this week because that will be a huge help for me to relax." What I've found is that women want to help, but they don't know how. All their childhood has presented them with images of perfect Disney princes. When they see men in need of support, it seems like it scares them - They don't know what to do. So, giving her concrete explicit ways she can help you will make a huge difference (in your own attitude as well, because you will go from, "Every time I am upset, she makes it all about her"-style resentment, to "Hey, she really does try to be helpful when I tell her what I want.")

In the end, a subtle re-framing of how you express your problems to her and solid statements of ways she can help, can turn an issue which could have you both completely upset with each other into a thing that helps you bond and pull together tighter. That's been my direct experience, anyway.