How to focus on myself?

Aggressive-State-550 · 2025-09-17T19:21:12+00:00

I know this will totally seem counterintuitive but please hear me out. I was in this same position. I was even looking for a place to move to…I was thinking about giving up…I homeschool 4 kids…so I completely understand the lack of a break and not having enough time for proper self care…it is a tough life!

One of my daughters saw me looking at real estate and made a comment about how she’s never going to get married because boys and girls don’t help each other and just argue too much. It broke my heart! The example I was setting for her…then I realized it wasn’t just her it was for all of our kids…we were showing them how to treat their partners and I was not impressed at all by my actions and I knew their dad wouldn’t be impressed by his actions either.

So that night I made a list of what behaviors/actions I wanted them to see and then I added how I could show them those things. I discussed what my daughter said with him but not that I was going to try to do better. The next day I started by simply smiling at him and trying to be respectful towards him…within a week the tension was mostly gone after a month it was totally gone.

We haven’t argued at all. Generally at any point of disagreement I consider if truly care or if it truly matters and if I don’t I simply yield…amazingly not being combative at every point helped because then if I do have a strong opinion he usually will go with it unless it truly matters to him. We’re both so much happier…I was so focused on my sparkle being diminished that I didn’t even consider his confidence and self worth was being damaged too.

So as counterintuitive as it may seem giving a little more even when you think you don’t have anything left to give just might get you so much more back in return. I joke now that it was as simple as treating others how I wanted to be treated. Within the first month he started taking the kids and giving me daily 30-60 breaks and on Sundays takes them for 3-5 hrs. And now my daughter proudly tells everyone she can’t wait to get married and be a mom.

The tension was hurting everyone in my house. Now if I get to where I need time to myself I just tell him/text him and he makes it happen…for me a hot bath with baby oil gives me the softest smoothest skin and is all that I need to feel revitalized and usually leads to him enjoying it later lol.

I can’t say if any of this will help you or not but I know I sure wish someone had pointed these things out to me before my kids saw their mom and dad behaving in less than ideal ways.

TheFeminineFrame · 2025-09-17T17:15:58+00:00

This is a really tough situation and I'm sorry that you are still feeling alone in your marriage a year after your last post.

I also have a couple of questions for you to reflect on: Is your husband willing to make changes? What is keeping you in this marriage? What are your hard boundaries? What do you want your marriage to look like going forward?

I don’t want to be this person. I’m tired of worrying what my husband is doing/lying about. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being run down and overwhelmed. I’m SO over it and I just want to focus on myself and getting back to my normal, lively self.

My question is how do I do that? How do I get back to myself while living in this tension-filled house? My husband and I can’t communicate without fighting and when we’re not communicating/fighting things are just weird and tense.

1) The first piece of advice would be to stop fighting about the online behavior. I don't say this to condone his actions. You both know that his actions are abhorrent but this fighting is draining YOU. If you want to attempt still to rekindle some warmth between you two then addressing contributing factors that drive him to the behavior would be a better tactic. For example, if he hates his work and comes home stressed then you could support him in taking steps towards pursuing something more purposeful. If he is escaping noise and mess from two kids you could try to tackle that (it would be great if he could get on board with helping you towards this goal).

If you don't see your relationship mending romatntically but are choosing to stay for other reasons then you may need to be honest with yourself about that. This could be things like a sense of duty, religious obligations, financial considerations, etc. In this case give yourself permission to take some of that pressure off the table and let him be.

2) Build up your support network. Go out with friends. If you don't have any then try to do things to get social. Its a bit contraversial but if you have a close friend with similar values who you trust to keep your confidence you can confide in her. If you are religous, lean on that. Go to church and church groups, read your scriptures, etc. Go to therapy for yourself. Right now you might feel alone in your marriage but that doesn't mean that you have to be alone.

3) Self Care, Self Care, Self Care! Good work incorporating pilates and skincare into your routine! Get a handle on that and then if there is anything else you are interested in you can slowly add it.

4) Instead of trying to fix him work on the "tension filled house". This would be again, trying to take your focus off of him, and putting it towards what you want. A peaceful home. You can have this even if he is hiding in the garage. Work on routines and habits with your kids. Take them to the park and for fun experiences. Start traditions in the home. These can be things like weekly themed movie/game night, special treats for certain times of the year, camping during the summer, etc. If there are holidays like Valentine's or your anniversay that feel cold given the state of your marriage start something fun around them. Have a valentines party with your kids. Take yourself to the ballet during your anniversay week. Invite him along but don't put up a fight or let him stop you if he doesn't want to participate.

HappyGarden99 · 2025-09-17T16:48:31+00:00

Keep moving. Pilates is great exercise, and I've found tremendous mental health benefits from the regulated breathing and movement with breath. I'd also suggest lifting weights and HIIT, and heavier than you think you can lift. After my divorce I started Orange Theory which I feel gave me my life back. As a results of lifting and power walking I eventually started running and now train for races. Consistently training is a great way to focus on yourself and the confidence boost you'll get is amazing!

AutoModerator · 2025-09-17T16:21:11+00:00

Title: How to focus on myself?

Author _blushpink

Full text: Hi ladies! I got such great advice from this sub a few months ago so I’m back for some advice on a somewhat different topic!

Long story short, I’m a stay at home homeschooling mom of 2 with a very rocky marriage. You can look up my post history for details but essentially there’s a long history of broken trust, lack of communication and lack of any emotional intimacy.

After yet another fight with my husband where he slept in a different room, I was getting ready this morning and ended up just staring at myself in the mirror and realized I have no idea who the fuck I’m looking at. I used to be vibrant and fun and bubbly and full of life. Everyone I’ve ever dated before my husband has absolutely adored me and thought I was just the greatest thing. Now I’m lifeless, dull, always in a bad mood and my husband has nothing good to say or think about me. You can literally see the light my eyes is gone, my skin looks dull… my entire appearance and demeanour is just oozing misery that’s the best way I can describe it 😅.

I don’t want to be this person. I’m tired of worrying what my husband is doing/lying about. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being run down and overwhelmed. I’m SO over it and I just want to focus on myself and getting back to my normal, lively self.

My question is how do I do that? How do I get back to myself while living in this tension-filled house? My husband and I can’t communicate without fighting and when we’re not communicating/fighting things are just weird and tense.

I’ve started doing Pilates every morning and I have a new skincare routine going but what else can I do? I feel lost.

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Title	How to focus on myself?
Author	_blushpink
Upvotes	10
Comments	6
Date	September 17, 2025 4:21 PM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1njhpdq/how_to_focus_on_myself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-focus-on-myself.1562195 https://theredarchive.com/post/1562195

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