For anyone who doesn’t want to read my entire post, the summary is that I’ve shared the detail about my relationship with my mum and I’m curious to hear about yours.

I want to add that, obviously, this is a very high-level summary. It won’t capture everything. I only ask that you trust me when I say I think she’s a good albeit imperfect mum.

I love my mother and I believe she did her best raising me. She wasn’t perfect at it but I have no doubt she did her best to put me and my brother first.

As an adult, I find it difficult to balance. She’s religious and practices as a moderate, but she is convinced that her beliefs are correct. I don’t believe that any one religion is correct and I consider myself secular. If I’m pushed, I say I’m atheist but agnostic is more likely. This is our biggest source of tension and I haven’t openly said these words to here because I think she would pop. Maybe she won’t but I have to figure out how to deliver the news and I still haven’t worked it out yet. I kind of hoped I could avoid it my whole life but with my husband and I considering kids, the time is going to come sooner than I would like.

Anyway, perhaps because she tried so hard (or for some reason I don’t know), she doesn’t handle criticism very well. And I don’t mean harsh criticism, she would get really upset if we were having a chilled discussion about our childhood and we say “haha you went out that time remember and I was actually ill (but you didn’t know)” and she gets super upset.

She’s like that in real time too. Her go to mechanism for persuasion is guilt. And man do I struggle with feeling guilt all the time. But heaven forbid you point out she’s guilting you.

She did it to me this AM. My cousin just had a baby and has to hire a nanny because she’s going to back to work. My mum (fair enough) said that was sad. I then said I planned to have 24/7 help with my baby even when I was on maternity leave. She said why, I said to do xyz. She said “that’s what parents are for”. And I don’t agree. I mean, she’s right, but there’s not just one way to parent and my husband and I already have discussed and agreed on this. We both feel that this approach will allow us to both be rested, that all the time with baby is quality time, and that neither of us is overly exhausted and we can just focus on enjoying the baby’s infancy and not just coping, but thriving.

She disagreed vehemently. I told her not to shame my choices. She got a little upset that I called her out. And then she came round and said actually whatever works.

The thing is, I do find her overbearing at times. And she’s got an idea in her head that she is super chilled. And she is - compared to other mothers in the community.

But that’s why I left the community in a way. My husband is from a totally different world and I live in another city. I only ever have to deal with her trying to tell me what’s best for me when I visit home or call her.

I do want to note that often times she’s right. When I need advice, I call her. She’s given me advice that is so good that I credit that advice as the reason my husband and I are in such a good space.

But there are limits.

I’ve found that she’s got more judgmental as she’s gotten older and so I find myself calling and visiting less. I feel guilty about that although she never brings it up. She’s usually just happy to see me.

All in all, she’s not perfect but I love her. And she loves me very much and will support me if I ever fall. (Unless we become estranged because religion. I have no idea how that will play out.)

I know that she’s going to flip her lid when I have a baby and she realises I’m not going to pass religion on to it. That gives me so much anxiety and I’m considering therapy to figure out how to deal with it.

I’m not looking for advice per se but I am curious to hear your stories along the same line I’ve shared mine :)