Before finding RPW, I (20 F) got into a relationship with (19 M). We met junior year, became very good friends. Senior year, at 4 months before graduation I became overwhelmingly attracted to him and turned what we had into FWB, and than August of that year (2017) we agreed on being bf a girlfriend since we were exclusively seeing each other and did mostly what people in relationships do: spend time, energy, emotional investment into each other, +sex.

Neither of us had RP mindset, and we got together because that seemed to be what was happening naturally. I hadn’t thought about what I genuinely wanted from a partner, he hadn’t thought about what a relationship would completely entitle. Neither of us did.

Later on we had struggles, overcame them, discovered TRP and RPW, separately evaluated our relationship, and I broke it off because I realized I don’t trust him to lead me, and wanted to improve my worth. He gladly accepted and agreed we should go back to the way things were before we had decided to be gf bf.

Now, we still see a lot of each other and go on adventures together (spend 2-3 days together a week). We still have sex. Neither of us are sexually active with anyone else atm, but well discuss when that might change. We both still value each other in our lives. Yet, i feel like I’m cheating myself. I don’t have his commitment, but he gets my body. I get into aggravated moods and he makes them worse and I end up being more negative when my goal is to become happier and more care free. I want to be increasing my value, becoming more feminine and worthy of an able captain someday, but I’m afraid I’m not able to work on improving my mental state with his presence because of how he gets on my nerves and how much I lack the discipline to keep him from disrupting my practice of being positive and intentional. This just seems silly. How can someone so close to me be making me feel so annoyed and out of control? Why am I spending time with someone who seems to keep me from my goals?

He’s currently not what I want in a man. I’m currently not at all close to the me I want to be in a relationship. The functionality side of me is thinking I shouldn’t hang out with him anymore because he’s holding me back from my goal and he’s not gonna be an option soon anyway. Everything else in me though, sees him as my best friend. He’s helped me through a lot these past couple years, he matters to me, as a person. I know the impact I’ve had on his life has been massive. I love this chapter in my life filled with our adventures together. I really don’t want to lose this person from my life.

I’m torn. I want to grow and have all the space I need for it. But losing him might be worse than all the grumpiness he’s held me in. Maybe I could go for some middle ground and just actively try to see him less, but I don’t know if that will change anything. I still have feelings for him so I imagine I’ll end up being around him just as much as I am now. I’m very confused and uncertain. I fear that if I let him go now, I’ll majorly regret it, like the author of Settling For Mr. GoodEnough. I feel like with given time, he could be the man I want to have an LTR with and I could be in a state of earning and capably preserving a healthy relationship. I don’t want to throw that away. We both need to change first however, and it’s hard to change what your still doing the same old things together...

I’m hoping to get honest feedback on what you guys would do in this situation. I’m open to criticism, because at this point I genuinely don’t know what to do and feel lost and just want guidance. I hope this wasn’t inappropriately long, just wanted to completely explain what was going on.

TL:DR -> broke up with high school bf to improve myself and not be with someone who I didn’t trust to lead. He’s still my best friend, but spending time with him still makes me feel like I can’t grow. Don’t know if I should break things off completely or try to tough it out and find some other solution. Any advice on what that other solution would be?