Internalizing Red Pill ideologies significantly changed the way I think about men and relationships.

After finding the red pill, I had finally actualized and accepted that I had always been truly conflicted with my relationships with men.

I whole heartedly don't believe redpill ideologies speaks for all women. However, I found that in my experiences, I love constant validation. I want to be spoiled in love. I want to feel like a sexual goddess. Almost child-like, I am addicted to the highs of an ever flowing fountain of unwarranted adoration and attention.

This ever flowing fountain couldn't come from just any man, however. Any low SMV man offering his time and attention wasn't enough. In wake of keeping with the terms of this subreddit, it had to come from an "alpha."

The new-age, feminized "beta male” was not who I wanted to have sex with. He was the guy I wanted to illicit attention from until I found the guy I wanted to have sex with.

From as far back as I can remember, I have always felt a substantial social divide among the sexes. I have always felt that my instinctual, primal desires, or my “lizard brain,” were at odds with the current cultural and social values of New York City circa 1990's-present. Things like social media and mainstream media as well as strong, deep rooted cultural values were making men into women, poking and prodding men into being subservient to women in all aspects of social construct. Terms like “chivalry,” and “gentlemen” became the norm, women became the “innocent” and were rendered superior by default. By turning men into the subservient sex and ultimately stripping them of power, they become feminine in nature. My lizard brain despised anything short of an almost neanderthal -like man. My lizard brain yearned for a masculine energy in a way so intoxicating and subconscious that it was impossible to avoid.

After I discovered my own internal conflict between the “nice guy” social construct and the “bad boy” sexual desire, I realized that there were men who embodied both the ideal mixture of alpha and beta traits required for LTR's. The problem was, finding these men were rare, especially after the new age “feminized male,” created through current social values, feminism, and the media. These men were our unicorns. Not only were they rare to find but as a female, you had to show a high SMV and have a present enough, engaging personality in order to make these men commit.

All other men, besides this unicorn, inevitably ended up in one of four categories.

• “betas” devoid of any “alpha traits” who could only be tolerated as potential for a LTR if they are extremely sexually attractive – on a scale from 1-10, a 8 or above.

  • “betas” devoid of “alpha traits” who weren't sexually attractive that became “just friends”, granted, they were only kept around if they were funny, tolerable, or had an engaging, present personality.
  • “betas” with mild “alpha traits,” who were kept around if they aided in the need for male validation/ego stroking and male attention,
  • “Alphas” devoid of any “beta traits” who are perceived as nothing more than sexual partners.

--> Note: Sexual attractiveness can be operationalized in either the physical sense(appearance), mental sense (intelligence), or prestige (power)

After coming to these realizations through my own, personal experiences and accord, I found the Red Pill. It made me rejoice in happiness for having some kind of reference in order to relate to my own intrinsic nature. However, after diving more into the “manosphere,” and the ideologies of the red pill, I came to loathe the fact that I had swallowed this pill in the first place. Fuck you, Morpheus.

As a female, I became so aware of my intrinsic nature in such a literal and conscious way, I started using it to my advantage. I excused myself when I became selfish with men in my personal life. “Oh its just my lizard brain, its not my fault.” The shit tests became so sneaky and manipulative that I could almost weed out alpha from beta in the first 10 seconds of meeting a man. The littlest beta move became a deal-breaker for me and the second a man showed interest he became another “average joe,” another “feminized male.” Every guy became held to some impossible standard. Even my significant other, who was a “unicorn,” or a mixture of alpha and beta suddenly became more beta than alpha.

The day I looked up the word “hypergamy” on Google, was the day every single one of my actions became justified.To be so aware of my own nature was more a curse than a blessing. The more I began actively researching, experimenting, and learning about red pill ideology, the more I started to act hypergamous and solipsistic. It was an ironic, vicious cycle that inevitably and literally caused me to end my personal romantic relationship and give up on the idea of ever being satisfied with a LTR. The Red Pill was everything I hated about myself. The Red pill explained why I was so shallow, selfish, and only had conditional love for my two LTR's. It explained why it was fairly easy for me to end relationships with these men. It explained why I started fights, why I always preferred rough sex, and most importantly, why I felt as though I never truly loved a man in the “textbook” or “television” version of true love.

The Red Pill is now my scapegoat.