Need advice...

intuition25 · 2016-11-06T19:01:54+00:00

Guy here. The modern relationship dynamic can be exhausting. That's why I think a lot of people are exploring outside the box relationships from seemingly simple FWB, to polyamory, to conscious celibacy, to many others. I feel your pain. I don't think it should be as hard as it is, but for some reason yes, many people are GTOW. A "relationship" doesn't have to be the most important thing in your life, but I hope you can find some ways to get your needs met while also pursuing your passions and happiness. I hope you find your balance and contentment.

idontcarebrother · 2016-11-07T17:34:45+00:00

Life feels so shallow.

It is shallow. Everyone in it is shallow. Including you. Would you be wth your boyfriend if he turned into, lets say a lazy, fat, bald, jobless and directionless manchild who's breakfast consists of remains of last night's dinner that crumbled and got caught in the rain forest that passed as chesthair? Clearly this isn't you, just an example.

Should I just go and do what I've always dreamed of, something like WGTOW? Just working on the things I find meaningful. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll wake up one day and regret wasting my best years.

RPW is about informing women about true gender dynamics and how their decisions and behavior will affect their lives and futures. It is not about forcing the STAHM Stepford Wife lifestyle on women.

You've swallowed the Red Pill, have realized what men and women are really like and now you're pissed, hurt, depressed and insecure. Everyone who swallows the Pill goes through that. It's called the anger phase.

Because of that phase, some people decide to stop participating in the 'dating and relationship world' as you put it. There's nothing wrong with that. They end up like the never-commiting PUAs, MGTOW and WGTOW.

But I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll wake up one day and regret wasting my best years.

Again, this is everyone who's RP. Both men and women. If you don't want to feel like this you could find yourself a more beta oneitis type male who will worship the ground you walk on. They are out there, in abundance.

When I go to the gym and run instead of doing legs (because my ass isn't too big and he has no problem mentioning it).

Honestly, if he voiced these opinions as rudely as your sentence made it sound, you might have to put yourself back on the market for a better captain. I'm making a huge BP-style assumption about him here and you did say this is more you than it is him, but it's better to be safe than sorry where vetting your captain is concerned, right? As RP as I am, I wouldn't be walking into the kitchen in the early morning telling you your ass is too small. Again, I'm making assumptions and working with the one short sentence of information you've provided on this situation.

All that said, in conclusion I think your challenge is to beat your insecurities. Realize your self worth. He chose you over the others. It means you're better than those other women he could've chased after.

You're the Hera to his Zeus (without the incest, I'm hoping). Start acting like it.

loneliness-inc · 2016-11-06T19:03:04+00:00

Okay. Time for some tough love.

Why did you enter this relationship? Why do you continuously enter relationships?

My dream was to live alone and just do math and science all day.

Who's stopping you from doing so?

This whole dating and relationship world is just so exhausting.

A good relationship isn't handed to you on a silver platter just at the moment you're in the mood of it, only to disappear the minute you aren't in the mood. You're in a relationship with a person who has needs, wishes and desires of his own. If his need for good looks doesn't match up with your needs to neglect your looks, don't enter such a relationship as this is fetal to said relationship. Better yet, if you always dreamed of living alone and relationships are so difficult for you, you can live alone. There's nothing wrong with it.

People enter relationships for many reasons. By definition, a reason is a void that's filled. It's an answer to a question, a solution to a mystery. Whatever the specific reason may be, the person is getting together with you because you fill that void, answer that question and solve that mystery. If you stop doing so or stop caring about their reasons, the relationship will turn sour and is in danger of falling apart.

For example. If children are a major reason for you to enter a relationship, a guy who doesn't want children is a deal breaker for you even if every other reason is taken care of.

If sex is a reason, the loss of sex will cause a marriage to crumble.

Whatever the reason is (there can be several), they are important. If looks are important to your SO and they aren't important to you, try to get together with someone who doesn't care about looks. I suspect that this will be very difficult because I have a hard time believing that you truly don't care about looks. I suspect that you wouldn't be attracted to a man who neglected his looks because ultimately you do care about looks, you just don't want to be bothered to put in the effort.

Nyquil-Junkie · 2016-11-06T23:14:11+00:00

The facade some put up in a relationship gets heavy real fast. It's better you just be yourself, and find someone who thinks the raw you is just the greatest thing ever.

Tell your BF how you want to live your life and be, if he doesn't like it I'm sure there is some math and science nerd somewhere who would give his right arm to be with a unpretentious like minded girl.

practicewhatyoulearn · 2016-11-07T00:39:46+00:00

I've been exactly where you are now. And it can suck - if you let it control or derail you, it can cause some long term resentment issues and insecurities in your relationship.

Before you get into a relationship your life is focused completely on you - the things you do (excluding mandatory obligations you can't divest yourself of) are solely for you. Thus everything you do either makes you happy (you're doing what you want e.g. spending hours immersing yourself in Math) or improves yourself in areas YOU want to (e.g. working out in ways YOU enjoy to get the figure YOU want). It's not selfish - it's self love, and avoiding all Fat acceptance movement (of lack of ;)) you've got to allow yourself that. A moderate degree of self-confidence is attractive, provided it comes from yourself and your acheivements, rather than the words of others.

This focus changes when you get into a relationship - your axis shifts and suddenly the centre of your universe isn't just you, your life or your goals. That space is now shared with another - your SO. After a while your orbit alters, and their opinions start to play a role in your decisions and self-confidence: 'I like running, but my SO would prefer it if I had a bigger ass' - you then have to reach a compromise between these two views and the importance they play on your happiness and your relationship (e.g. explosive sprinting engages the glutes and so sprint interval training could help you reach both goals?) When your self confidence takes a hit, either by something he says or something you see in yourself, remind yourself that he chose you to the exclusion of others for a reason, this comment probably didn't come from a place of mean-spiritedness - just light-hearted teasing and obliviousness - and then take those insecurities and channel them into self-improvement.

If you choose to stay as you are mentally (it doesn't matter if you change your actions unless the right mindset drives them) you'll keep feeling inadequate AND like you're letting yourself down or not reaching your potential. I didn't do this and I lashed out at my partner - I felt like he was holding me back, putting unrealistic expectations on me and preventing me from being happy. That resentment is what ended the relationship. So take notes from my hindsight and do what I wished I had done; sit down and think: what's made me happiest this year? what do I want in 5, 10 and 20 years time? Will I be happy at 75 if I follow this dream to the exclusion of option B? If the answer is math - all the very best to you. If the answer is your SO/a family - start looking at ways you to compromise to meet both needs, math isn't going anywhere any time soon, you can spend your whole life working on both without them being mutually exclusive.

[deleted] · 2016-11-08T08:15:03+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Mentathiel · 2016-11-07T18:05:07+00:00

I don't see insecurities here as much as I see trust issues. You don't trust your man that he's attracted to you. That he loves you. That he loves you for more than one reason. You don't trust that he won't leave unless you're perfect. You don't entirely trust him (or male populace) that looks matter, because if you were able to put yourself in his shoes you'd realize they do and that it's not shallow. Why don't you trust him?

First of all, he likely won't leave you when your looks start to fade. Which they will. You don't have to be a super-fit top model (although go for it if it makes you feel good, it's a wonderful thing to put an effort in!) for him to stay attracted to you, you just have to not go to far towards the opposite of that. He won't leave you just because there are women more attractive than you are, because eventually there will be, you'll age etc. Because what matters to him is that 1) he is attracted to you, 2) he has sex with you. If he's slightly less attracted to you it won't ruin his sex life. But if he has to struggle to focus on some features or you simply turn him off then it becomes a problem. Much like you won't stop being attracted to him if he gets a little chubbier or earns a little less. Would you leave him over that? Yet if he became fat enough that you couldn't consider him attractive and couldn't earn a living, that would already cause big problems in your attraction.

As for why looks matter, looks matter because we're animals. We aren't this transcendental beings who think about abstractions and values of this and that. We have biological needs. Your looks fading doesn't mean that a man will stop loving you or that he loved you only for that. It means that he'll gradually stop finding you attractive and desiring you for sex, which means he'll need to fulfill that need elsewhere, which would gradually give him a stronger and stronger motivation to do so, which would then cause him to need to redirect his resources elsewhere in order to attain satisfaction of that need and he simply won't be able to keep up with providing you with commitment anymore, especially under monogamy. That doesn't mean he loves you for the looks, it means it becomes so increasingly hard to focus on loving you if his needs aren't met. Maybe I'm just offering you sophistry and maybe it wouldn't be technically wrong to say that he loves you for the looks, but my point is that you're reducing a very complex emotion and set of motivation to a very simple explanation, making it sound shallow, because your explanation is shallow. If you rephrase it as I did, you become aware that your looks aren't about causing him to love you, but enabling him to. Much like turning on the light enables you to read, rather than causes you to, for instance. Or, better yet, eating, sleeping, emptying your bladder etc. causes you to be able to perform a task in peace. Other motivations aren't distracting you.

As for your comments about devoting yourself to things other than relationships, I think that's a perfectly reasonable path, but you need a lot of soul-searching in order to maintain happiness that way. I don't think RPW is (unfortunately, in my opinion) really a place that can help you a lot along that path. Things that we discuss here are mainly related to sexual strategy and keeping yourself and your partner happy within a relationship. I don't think it's unreasonable to be happy outside of it and perhaps even happier in one if you aren't relying on it for happiness, but it's a way broader topic. I encourage you to explore your interests and philosophy in general. Don't feel as if RPW forbids you to be but a RPW. If you are struggling so much within a relationship, forcing it won't help. Perhaps it'll be late to catch someone in your optimal years by the time you have figured your life out, but in my opinion it's better than feeling trapped by convention, resentful of your partner, permanently insecure and like you missed out on something that you perceive as a key part of your identity and life goal (worse off, to feel like that's because of your partner and his shallow fixation on looks). Not everything can be optimal, so we settle for the next best option. The most optimal partner selection would be if you could check out all the people on the planet and know who fits you best in every possible way, but since that's impossible we settle for the second best option, which is having certain criteria and trying it out with people who meet them. In the same way, the ideal option is finding an optimal partner at your optimal age when your looks are at their peak, but if you can't do that because you'll end up in an unsatisfying relationship if you do, the second best thing is to get yourself in order and then decide if you want a relationship. If you already have a really good partner, the best option would be to stay with him if you could be happy, but if you visualize your future and don't see happiness that already gives bad predictions for a relationship that's making you so doubtful in its early stages, so perhaps the second best thing would be to break it off and wait for a relationship that's more promising (which will come through your work, ofc). So think about that. Don't always aim for what you perceive to be the best possible thing if it could have dire consequences. Because then it isn't the best possible thing because in your specific circumstances not everything aligns the same as in the ideal case, which you perceive as something desirable and that you shouldn't let go of.

Title	Need advice...
Author	Gardrothard
Upvotes	6
Comments	28
Date	November 6, 2016 6:07 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5bh2mb/need_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/need-advice.86611 https://theredarchive.com/post/86611

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