I (30F) am really struggling in my current relationship of close to 2 years. My bf (30M) discussed TRP with me last year around this time when we had a serious issue that almost derailed the relationship. I have done some self-exploring and recognize that I am Type-A, somewhat neurotic (especially about a neat/tidy home) and can be particular about the things in my life. When I see a problem/issue/project I tend to go full speed ahead and tackle it, as I feel capable, intelligent and I'm certainly a go-getter. I also struggle with anxiety, and I think some of my "OCD" tendencies are related to helping to soothe that anxiety. While I see the issues that these characteristics create, I also see them as strengths in some ways.

My bf wants to be the Captain, and therefore make the decisions in the relationship as they relate to almost everything. He has a busy and fairly lucrative career, but is unhappy and chronically stressed. I would also say that he is very insecure - for reasons I won't delve into here. We seem to have increasing amounts of conflict as our lives have become more intertwined and as I enter my new career field. I just finished school; it will be a second career for me. Bottom line, I seem to be struggling with submitting to this man, and can feel us butting up against each other often, over things that seem small, or that should have simple outcomes. This is new for me, the conflict, the feeling of walking on eggshells and no longer knowing how or what I can say to keep the peace.

In my last relationship I had zero issues submitting to my bf, so I know I am capable. My ex was financial stable, very orderly, kept his house and yard spotless, took great pride in it being that way, enjoyed his career, was physically active, loved his niece and nephew, etc. I was absolutely in love with him, could not believe my luck in finding such a man. I would have gladly married him, except that he was emotionally unavailable and scarred by a divorce to a very dominant woman, which ultimately caused our breakup. He was a Captain for me without ever needing to say it out loud.

My current boyfriend and I enjoy spending our free time in the same way (we are both homebodies/introverts) and prefer each other's company to that of large groups. So I value that to a great degree. However, his lack of pride in his home, yard and taking care of animals has become a serious area of strife - to the point where I have taken on the role of cleaning the house, doing all yard work except for mowing (he will do it on the riding lawnmower), changing lightbulbs, painting a bathroom, etc. I spend most of my time with him but we do not actually formally live together, and I am not contributing financially to the household significantly. I just started a job now that school is over which I anticipate to change that dynamic.

I'm gotten to the point where I don't feel that I can communicate with him about anything relating to the household, or much of anything, and that my best option is to stay quiet and avoid upsetting my bf. He is quick to become frustrated, shuts down and 99% of the time I feel as though the blame is squarely placed on me for a myriad of reasons. I'm told repeatedly that I'm "disrespectful" and sometimes I'm completely baffled as to why. Anymore it feels like a way for him to control the discussion and shut me down. The love we once had seems to be fading, and I'm feeling a little helpless and honestly, beat down emotionally.

Where have we gone wrong? Living together without it being official? Is it possible that our relationship has run it's course? I don't really feel safe being vulnerable, being myself or sharing my needs with him. How do I KNOW if he's really a Captain and not just a guy that wants to do what he wants with his life and the women in it to be sidekicks? I feel powerless, defeated and that it is not possible for me (and my quirks/personality) to make him happy. I truly don't want this to come across as putting him down, but rather trying to put it into perspective, giving background. What do the men in your life do that leave you with no question that they are the Captain? How do you know you can trust them to care for you, to take care of their home, and allow you to MAKE a home? I don't know that I will be able to do this with my bf without needing his sign-off on curtains, a rug, furniture...the list goes on.

TL;DR: I'm questioning my relationship and wondering if it's just not a good fit, or if there is something that we can both be doing better to fix our issues. We love each other but are struggling to communicate and handle conflict effectively.