Perfectionist husband

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-09-13T15:56:29+00:00

who was able to establish that he has severe anxiety

Yep. Saw that coming.

He comes from a very dysfunctional family background

Yep. Saw that coming, too.

Anyone have any suggestions?

So "OMG! The kid's clothes aren't laid out!" is really his "Doomsday!" scenario? Oh, boy.

You have to find a way to snap him out of his negative feedback loop when he gets this way. I would suggest sitting him down when he's not like this and have a conversation about it, and that he need to do something about it, because this isn't a good dynamic for him, for you, or for your son. Make clear that you are not going to engage or respond to him when he does this. Then, the next time he does it, put your hand on his chest, look him in the eyes and say, "Honey? Make it stop. You need to make it stop." Then disengage, leave the room, let him yell or whatever, and then re-engage when he's himself again.

Good luck.

thingswedidaskids · 2023-09-13T23:50:39+00:00

I wouldn't recommend sitting him down. He does not seem like the type who is receptive to "talking it through" . He already knows its not ideal behaviour. Re-enforcing that will only make him feel weaker and you controlling. My husband is the exact way yours is.

I suggest when he is this way you walk away. Do not engage at all. He asks you where the school clothes are, say you don't know and do your own thing or act like you're busy.. Ie MAKE yourself busy - empty the dishwasher, take the clothes out of the machine, watch a show you love. Let him sort it out. He wants it a certain way? Leave it to him. It will only escalate if you keep talking about it.

When it keeps happening he will realise that asking you or being that way isn't going to make you get up immediately and assist. He will have to sit with his own self and work it out himself.

Please trust me on this. For 18 years of my marriage I did everything I could to make it different. I spoke to him about it, I didn't talk to him, I pleaded, I begged, I ignored and the only thing that has worked is to tell him what I know and then leave it. Don't get up and help.

My husbands mother was a single mum and he was made to do everything for himself. Poor childhood, coupled with a single suicidal mother and absent father makes for one very troubled adult.

FriendCountZero · 2023-09-13T15:59:32+00:00

I deal with this a little too and I think I can see the issue here in your post. "He'll be in a perfectly good mood and then turn on a dime"

If you really believe that, then what logically follows is that he's not super stable mentally. Not as reliable as you'd like him to be when life hands you unexpected things. You can't trust him 100%. Maybe 99% because he is great and you do love him, but not 100%. I want to challenge this.

It's much more likely that he's PRETENDING to be in a good mood or maybe even subconsciously suppressing his worries. He wants to be pleasant to be around. He wants to make you and your kid smile, he wants to be good and nice and to make everyone happy. Then when something small happens he just can't repress his true feelings any longer. Look at is this way and what logically follows is that he is just as stable and trustworthy as any other human would be while dealing with the pressure he is under. When you react badly to him snapping, he sees all that wasted effort trying to be in a good mood. A huge effort that you don't acknowledge or appreciate because the second he slips up, he's the bad guy.

Add on the fact that you are carrying this idea in your mind that he is unstable and untrustworthy. As much as you try to keep this from influencing your words and actions, it can't be helped. There's an undertone. Nothing he can call out because who wants to accuse their wife of not trusting them and start a fight? But it's something he can feel. Now, nothing he does is good enough for you, and he feels like he's doing so much, too much, and it's still not enough.

This is not intended to be mean, or imply that you are insensitive or unempathetic. It's really, really hard to see the forest for the trees and taking that step back has helped my relationship a lot. Try to shift your perspective of him, challenge your ideas about what his motivations are and what goes on in his head. Make a list if you have to of all the possibilities and then CHOOSE the one that paints him in the BEST light, gives him the MOST benefit of the doubt, and internalize that like its completely and singularly true. If you did a good job vetting, it mostly likely is true.

Ok_Obligation_6110 · 2023-09-13T15:05:28+00:00

I find myself being your husband in this instance while I don’t do it around my child or even to or about him, I will get irrationally stressed and angry like things are ‘falling apart’ over something minor not having been done because in my mind it’s just ‘another thing that will lead to a domino effect’.

The clothes not being in place will mean bedtime routine is pushed to find them or the morning routine is off, and then being late to work, or not having time to make coffee, etc etc it’s not rational at all and it’s not a fair response. However, it’s never about the minor thing, it’s about feeling out of control and like the world is on your shoulders. This is how your husband is currently feeling.

Instead of asking him to go to therapy and find ways to fix his own behaviors, look at what YOU can do. I’m sure with 2 working parents it’s a lot for anyone to take on more work but unfortunately parenting and partnerships aren’t always 50-50, nor should they be. Is your husband going through a particularly stressful time right now in some other regard with work perhaps? Would it be helpful to him if you took some extra things off his plate for the next few weeks? Then when you are feeling like you need a break he can step in with taking over more help then?

I think the whole 50 50 ‘even’ splitting of responsibilities is frankly dumb in marriage. I understand the intent and feeling the need for it but marriage is never 50 50. Everyone’s emotional, physical, and mental capacity is going to be different at different times and that’s why a marriage needs to be complimentary and adaptable to each others needs. The exhausting part is keeping the score keeping up.

RedPillDad · 2023-09-14T04:45:58+00:00

seeks to control things that make him anxious through perfectionism

Concern: He's stressed all the time.

Strengths: He cares a lot.

Diagnosis: I think the poor guy is stuck in the 'performance mode' he uses for work. Consistency can become a trap.

Recommendation: Men tend to be good at compartmentalization, so he needs to close the door on work stuff and develop a healthy 'family mode' for home life.

Here's a story about 'The Trouble Tree' that might help him.

AutoModerator · 2023-09-13T14:47:04+00:00

Title: Perfectionist husband

Full text: Last night my husband came home from having dinner with a friend and went in to say goodnight to our seven year old son. He noticed that his school clothes weren't laid out for the next day. (I work an early shift, so I'm not there for my son's morning school prep, but I understand that he usually handles it by himself without help. Laying out his school clothes has never been something I do.)

My husband demanded that I tell him where the clothes were. I said I had no idea, (which upset him,) and I turned to ask our son. Before I could say anything, my husband said to him, "tell me where your school clothes are now, or I'm going to get very angry." Our son said he had put them in our bedroom instead of his. (He's fascinated by the idea of practical jokes, but doesn't quite understand them yet.)

Afterward my husband started fuming about how "everything falls apart the second I turn my back." He was also upset that I found the "joke" kind of funny.

This is a common theme with him. He'll be in a perfectly good mood, not at all stressed, and then turn on a dime and get upset about some random little thing that's out of order, which he inevitably says is my fault, often accusing me of being negligent, lazy, letting our son walk all over me, or not competent enough to take care of myself without his constant oversight. (Which is patently untrue- I've lived by myself completely successfully, and I manage a department at work, where I've gotten promotions and raises for my competence.)

If our son is involved, he'll react in a way that I find disproportionate to the situation.

I did talk my husband into seeing a therapist once, who was able to establish that he has severe anxiety, and as a result seeks to control things that make him anxious through perfectionism, and will become agitated when others don't buy into his perfectionism. After that he quit going and has refused to go back, either for one-on-one counseling or couples' counseling. He comes from a very dysfunctional family background, whereas mine was relatively healthy.

I've explained to him that this behavior is discouraging and exhausting for me and that I believe it to be counterproductive in dealing with our son, but I get nowhere.

If I ask him what he specifically wants, he'll say that he wants me to be more responsible. I've tried sitting down with him and outlining who is responsible for what, pointing out that we do in fact have pretty much even division of duties, which do in fact get taken care of, but that doesn't prevent me getting haranged over random (and generally minor) stuff.

Anyone have any suggestions?

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Title	Perfectionist husband
Author	V3r1disqu0
Upvotes	12
Comments	29
Date	September 13, 2023 2:47 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/16hoyom/perfectionist_husband/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/perfectionist-husband.1231697 https://theredarchive.com/post/1231697

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