Quick Background

I (28/f) have been in a monogamous relationship with my SO (28/m) for the past 8 months and we had been friends for a year prior to that. I live alone with my 2 cats in an apartment. My SO recently moved into a house rental with two roommates.

What is the problem?

Both me and my SO avoid conflict and are poor communicators. I am upset by some statements he has made lately and am feeling insecure about the future of our relationship.

Roommates: My SO is frustrated with how irresponsible and air headed his roommates act. I am getting worn down hearing the same complaints from him over and over with no indication that he is making any effort to sit them all down and decide how the house should be taken care of. One venting session of his led me to make a facetious comment (with a light-hearted, teasing tone, trying to break the negative rant) along the lines of "It sounds like you're the dad of the house!" to which he burst out "I never wanted to be a parent!", which leads to...

Children: I am often on the fence about whether I want children. My SO's vehement statement has made me think a little more critically about it. If I can see my future both with children and without and I am unable to decide, it should be instead a question of which choice would I regret at the end of my life? The answer is that I would, I believe, regret not having children, even if right now I could see myself not having any. My SO has also made some negative comments regarding people with children in the past that upset me, and I did not express that to him when I should have. I am nothing but affectionate when speaking about and interacting with children.

Cats: I knew from the start that my SO is allergic to cats, however he talked openly about getting himself a cat when he had his own place, so I assumed (bad, bad, bad) that the allergy wasn't a huge deal. When he moved into the new house, he actively opposed one roommate bringing his cat, and got the landlord to oppose it also under the guise of not wanting animals to ruin the newly refinished floors. My SO is now worrying that after a few months of wearing the floors down that his roommates are going to push to have a cat again. His stance (to me, not to them) is "I just want to be able to breathe in my own home". Completely fair and reasonable, but upsetting for me. Two days ago he was venting about his roommates and seems to have reneged entirely on his interest in living with a cat and called them "disgusting" (which, to be fair, I am not entirely sure if he meant indoor-outdoor cats specifically, or all cats). This stung and has been a cloud over my head since then.

Other: He is completely in love with this house and the idea of fixing it up and speaks often about wishing he could afford it without roommates. He also talks about kicking out his current roommates and inviting two other male friends to move in instead because they would be better roommates. He doesn't ask me what I think of those plans or what I would do to fix up the house, or speak of it as if I might be included in them in the future.

What are your faults? How have you contributed to the creation of these issues?

I am too passive and do not make it clear when a topic is important to me or when my feelings are hurt. I fail to outline important opinions early on and then get upset with myself and anxious when I realize too much time has passed and bringing it up now will cause even more waves than had I dealt with it when it originally happened.

Why do you think these problems manifested?

Again, simply because both of us tend to avoid important discussions.

What steps have you already taken to try and resolve the problem?

In regards to the roommates, I did say to him last week "None of these problems you are having are going to get better until you have a serious and open discussion with your roommates". That has been the only input I've offered on the topic, and ironically the advice I should also take

Everything else... I haven't taken any steps yet. I plan to soon, which is why I'm writing here.

How long has this been an issue?

The roommate and cat concerns have been slowly building for 3 months. I knew about his negative comments regarding children as far back as 5 months ago.

Are you making a mountain out of a mole-hill?

No, they are all important topics that a couple should already have addressed and be on the same page with, I think anyone would agree. It's just that I didn't do it when I should have.

So, ultimately I already know that I have made a lot of mistakes with assumptions and passivity on my end. I'm here for advice on how to have this big discussion without making him feel cornered into agreeing with me against his own opinions because he doesn't like conflict. I am also very afraid of the answers I will get and whether I will be prepared to respond to them in a way I won't regret later.

Thanks for reading!