Privacy and vulnerability question

KittenLoves_ · 2018-08-15T17:37:12+00:00

Everyone is entitled to privacy. Unless he has some suspicion that you're cheating and specifically asks in order to verify, I don't think you have any need to provide this to him. Likewise, unless you suspect cheating, you shouldn't really have access to all his private things.

If at some point you get married, then I can understand each having complete access to devices, but that still doesn't mean he's automatically allowed to read your journal if you don't want. You are allowed privacy and boundaries.

okayestwifey · 2018-08-15T20:08:12+00:00

There's privacy and there's secrecy. Asking my husband not to look through my search history because I don't want him to stumble upon things like "best facial hair remover" or "keto diet severe diarrhea" is different than if I, say, locked my phone every time he comes around because I'm texting my ex.

My point is, he shouldn't expect full access to everything, especially if you've given him no reason to think he needs to be suspicious. And frankly, he isn't your husband. He shouldn't "demand" much right now, let alone full access to your entire private life. Boyfriends don't get husband privileges.

Kara__El · 2018-08-15T17:41:11+00:00

You're not married to him. You might not be with him in a year and he'd still have access to your online journal. This kind of intimacy should really only be considered for a husband, in my opinion.

I told my husband the address of my anonymous blog at eight months, when we started speaking hypothetically about marriage, because if we broke up, I didn't want him to have that. He only got passwords and access to my phone and search history (and vice versa) after the wedding. As it is, while he could look at that stuff, he knows it's just book lists and cat pictures anyway, so he has little interest. If your boyfriend expects all this, and you haven't been ring shopping, it's odd.

thatbadlarry · 2018-08-15T18:11:19+00:00

It’s a red flag for me when someone who isn’t life long committed wants access to all your personal stuff. This is how an abusive relationship started between one of my friends and her boyfriend. Pretty soon not even her male cousins were allowed to message her on FB without him losing his mind and it got super ugly very fast. In a marriage - I can see a couple giving each other mutual access - but it must be mutual or again - big red flag.

[deleted] · 2018-08-16T00:16:42+00:00

It's not wrong for you to want some control over how much privacy you sacrifice.

How much privacy you can expect is a personal matter -- no one can tell you how much you should have, and it's up to you to negotiate that with your boyfriend.

Another comment made a great distinction between secrecy and privacy. You deserve some private space for your thoughts and feelings. Reasonable men who trust their woman would not expect access to the woman's diary.

Hammocknapping · 2018-08-15T17:16:59+00:00

I have full access to all of my husband’s devices and he has the same for me. If I wouldn’t want him reading something, then I wouldn’t write it. If I could not trust him to come to me for context of my statements and listen to me share stories behind different messages, then I would not be with him.

[deleted] · 2018-08-15T17:17:24+00:00

Why does he want full access? Have you done something to make him skeptical? Has he been cheated on in the past? Do you have full access to his technology? Does he think this is normal for relationships? I wouldn’t be so bold as to say “drop his ass” but this is a little bit excessive.

JackSkell0255 · 2018-08-15T20:17:16+00:00

I would not give access to anything.

Trust in a relationship, for me, is built in other ways, more personal ways, than snooping.

And, if something nefarious were to go on in the future, It is easy enough to build another online identity. So, snooping doesn’t even work.

OhIMeMine · 2018-08-15T20:56:52+00:00

Has he been cheated on in the past or something?

I definitely think it's odd to demand access to all your information and communication if you haven't given him a reason. If you cheated in the past, then yea, it would be the price you had to pay if he chose to stay with you. But it seems that that isn't the case, maybe you are paying for somebody else's actions?

I am personally not overprotective about my phone with my boyfriend, and he has never been weird about it with me. I know the code for his phone, not because I ever asked for it or demanded to read his texts, but because he will ask me to be JD in the car, or reply to someone while he's driving, or use the GPS or whatever. Same for my phone, except he always forgets my code and has to ask for it every time. It literally hasn't changed in the years we have been together, but whatever.

I do have journals, but they are actual notebooks, not digitally kept. I wouldn't let him flip through those. Not that there are any deep dark secrets held there, mostly quotes and meditations on different topics, some REALLY BAD poetry, but still, it's mine and it's private. He has no reason to believe that they are the source of anything devious so it has never been a problem. I believe this is much healthier than suspiciously checking through your SO's conversations every evening.

Spazzy19 · 2018-08-15T23:13:43+00:00

This is a struggle for me as well. My SO and I (dating 10 months) have each other’s phone passwords and fingerprints because it’s easier. I do not have anything to hide, but I do want some privacy. My SO struggles with trust because he’s been cheated on before (my marriage ended from that too), and in some ways wishes I had no interactions with other men. We do individual and couples therapy and it’s helped. But I’m social and outgoing and have had several really long time friendships with men. Talking to them and catching up on their lives, partners/kids, stresses, etc is normal for me. He’s asked that I modify some things that make him more comfortable and I’ve complied.

I’ve shown him conversations when he’s asked despite it rankling me because of the lack of trust. He always says I can look through his phone/journals/whatever and that’s fine and dandy, but I don’t feel the need to because I trust him and respect his privacy. I don’t need a bullet list of his daily conversations and interactions unless he feels their worthy of being shared for whatever reason.

He found my LiveJournal from high school and college and told me he read some. I shrugged because it’s public and I don’t have any crazy skeletons. He knows my Reddit and browses my responses sometimes and I’ve toyed with the idea of getting another handle just to have some semblance of privacy. But Recently we nearly broke up because he admitted he’d been signing on to my Facebook (my computer at home auto signed in but he knew my password anyway) and was reading ALL of my convos, including with my ex bf and ex husband, over times when I was with them. He read my convos with girlfriends and my guy friends. It was such a violation to me that I view it worse than cheating. He claimed he wanted to “understand me better,” but it was a slap in the face again because it attacks my integrity and commitment to him based on his insecurities.

I think people do need a person or space to vent. My actual journal is private and I’ve made that abundantly clear. I have no problem sharing information and in fact have been told in the past I’m an “over sharer.” But where’s the line between privacy and secrecy? I’ve emphasized over and over that secrecy is partaking in some activity that you know you shouldn’t be doing and hiding it from your partner. There is shame. Privacy is just having some thoughts to yourself without having to report EVERYTHING to a partner.

So to actually answer your question, I think it depends on what you’re comfortable with... there’s nothing wrong with privacy or not having access to every single thing in your partners life. I think it’s healthy to have some separation anyway, but it’s important to always be honest and true.

ellewoodsy · 2018-08-15T19:04:59+00:00

Hi there! I want you to know that I don't think it is wrong or abnormal for you to need to have some degree of control over your privacy. I think managing the point at which we become ever more intimate with a man is something we all deal with as we strive to find a compatible partner and be a compatible partner.

FYI, my boyfriend has access to all of my stuff BUT we have been together for 11 years and are life-long committed. I agree with the other ladies that this is an okay arrangement for marriage-level interest or life-long/long-term commitment, If he's your potential captain (or whatever model you use), then he will make this clear to you through his actions on a consistent basis. I'd add that, as someone who has found someone she trusts and as someone who is typically fairly compliant with men in general, allowing him this sort of access was actually quite liberating for me because (1) I know he's always there to help manage my boundaries with other men and even aggressive women, and (2) he knows everything and loves me for everything that I am (or am not, womp womp). However, that doesn't mean it was easy for me to get to that point, and I'm not convinced it should be easy for a woman to get to that point. It also doesn't mean that just any man will have your best interests in mind when taking a role like that. I'll add that I'm not sure what the best action for you to take is because only YOU know the unique variables present in your situation, but hopefully my experience can shed some light on what a successful progression on what that sort of intimacy looks like.

Title	Privacy and vulnerability question
Author	kam_rn
Upvotes	3
Comments	21
Date	August 15, 2018 5:05 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/97k1ej/privacy_and_vulnerability_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/privacy-and-vulnerability-question.75025 https://theredarchive.com/post/75025

Comments