Recently a situation came up that I'd like to get an opinion on since it is creating so much emotional turmoil for me and I can't put my finger on why. I trust you ladies to give me un-sugarcoated truth/advice because I can't tell if my hamster is spinning at the speed of light, or if I have a reason to trust my intuition/gut.

During my first year of uni I met a guy who I had instantly found attractive. He was quite obviously an alpha guy and was in very good shape and very charming and sociable. During the first few weeks of university there are many parties held for the newcomers to socialise. I attended some of these and saw this guy there, often trying to hook-up with girls; once he tried to chat up a friend of mine (who, unbeknownst to him, had a boyfriend) whilst I was with her and made it clear through body language and facial expressions that I was being a nuisance and he wanted me to leave them alone to talk. I didn't really recognise what was going on and bristled at all of this because I thought I was entitled to his attention and flirtation, just because I thought he was attractive, and I wasn't receiving it. For the rest of the first year, whenever I saw him around campus I was cold/sarcastic and unfriendly, and so was he.

During the summer after the first year of university I discovered RPW and had learnt about the importance of being feminine (and also the SMP/the wall/ alpha-beta etc). I was beginning to incorporate RPW behaviours into my own and started setting goals for improving my appearance and fitness and becoming a more pleasant person. Halfway through our second year, we happened to be in the same class for a short module. He approached me and we connected, and a few weeks later after we had hung out on campus a few times, he asked me on a date to which I agreed. I should mention that although I agreed to the date, I had kept my guard up during the whole flirtation and told myself not to take it too seriously especially after having thoughts of him hooking up with girls at parties (in the previous year) in the back of my mind. I also felt like he wasn't too into it and wasn't sure if he just wanted to hook up with me; I didn't want to get too ahead of myself but I still wanted to give him a chance because I found him attractive.

Another thing that was playing on my mind was the fact that since the beginning of first year there was one girl in particular, Alice, who I had seen him with around campus. I wasn't sure of their status but he always seemed to be very affectionate with her (walking together, guiding her with his hand on her lower back, offering her seats etc) and they often sat together during lunch breaks. Even just before he asked me out when we were only talking, he mentioned one day that he was sitting with Alice during lunch. It all made me very reluctant to be vulnerable and continue to girl-game as I was convinced that he would never like me as much as he seemed to like Alice and if things did develop I'd just be a placeholder.

Anyway during our 'date' we went as far as holding hands and when he attempted to kiss me at the end I dodged it, because honestly the attraction had been waning for a little while and I was put off by the fact that he had invited me to his house (which he had also done during previous hang-outs). It didn't go beyond that date but we bumped into each other on campus a week later and he told me to let him know if I wanted to hang out. I didn't take him up on the offer because to me his behaviour suggested that he wasn't too into it and I was convinced he was just going to plate me. He on the other hand seemed un-phased by it all, and although it fizzled out I could not stop thinking about it and in the following few months I attempted to re-catch his attention to no particular avail (and at a party we both attended a friend saw him hooking up with a girl even though he'd been flirting with me during the night). It was during this time that I re-developed feelings for him.

Following this summer break I recently saw him again at an event as we are part of the same social group. He was being very affectionate with Alice (who is very sweet) whilst I was right there and it seemed like they were now a couple although I couldn't be sure (I don't know about any history they may have had before then since I'm new to the group). I couldn't help but feel a slight tinge of jealousy that she got the 'alpha' that I wanted wrapped around her finger and that he was showing significant signs of emotional investment in her. It also confirmed that I was right to keep my guard up about 'them' but I can't help but feel that I could have tried harder to be a better RPW around him and attempted better girl game when I had the chance. I know that there is a SMP where women are often competing for the same alphas and I just keep wondering whether I should have tried harder and where I'm falling short compared to her? Or would it have been in vain? Have I been alpha-widowed before my dating life has even begun? Is there a much deeper problem going on such as issues with attachment and/or self worth? (For a bit of context I have always struggled with low self-worth and my father was/is a distant man; there is a history of emotional/physical abuse)

I spoke to female friends about this but they just give me feel good advice such as 'you can do better' and that 'he is a self centred a-hole' (I've found out many people think the same, though it could be jealousy )but I feel like they are buying into the you-go-girl rhetoric and there must be something more. I won't be continuing to pine after him and if I see him I'll ignore him (because honestly I'm afraid I'll never be able to move on if I don't) but I'd like to learn from this experience and why I'm so hung up on it and what to improve next time, as well as if I was right to keep my guard up with him.

Any thoughts?