Relationships with stepfathers

RainbowKitty77 · 2018-12-16T18:23:03+00:00

I know it's not common around here to say this. My mom married a man when I was 11 tho whom shes still married to. Whom has been more of a dad to me than my bio father. She absolutely let him make rules for us tho. Not all of them but more often than not. He also disciplined my brother and I.

HB3234 · 2018-12-16T20:33:21+00:00

I actually don't think you owe it to your children to keep traditions and such 100% the same. It's very important to model to children that they are NOT the center of your universe! They may whine or mope but learning to be flexible, adaptable and joyful in the face of change, is perhaps one of the best life skills a parent may bestow. To shelter them from having to change is extreme pampering and frankly unnecessary.

If you find a man who wishes to blend into the family with you, who shares your values, then the adjustments he may want or need wouldn't truly be detrimental ones.

notyetsaved · 2018-12-16T20:44:16+00:00

I really think it depends on how the whole situation is approached. Lots more communication is necessary. I am a single mom in a LTR. I did not move forward until I knew he accepted that I am a “package deal”. And understood that their dad is still involved in their lives (I have sole custody—he has liberal visitation). SO is totally on board with that and ALL of the grownups in their lives are on the same page. I do not expect my kids to see my SO as a replacement parent, but as an additional parent and role model.

I take care of the financial everything for my kids. We talked about and mapped all that out.

I feel that my SO and I have a pretty traditional relationship. Not ever RPW relationship is cookie cutter.

teaandtalk · 2018-12-17T06:59:05+00:00

And I can't imagine any kid feeling loved if you diminish the traditions and rituals even a little bit because of a new man.

Hm, I think that premise is incorrect. Lots of kids develop new routines/traditions with a new step-parent and it doesn't have to make them feel unloved.

I think that, as long as it is slow and respectful, integrating a new step-parent into the family and routine is totally doable without making your kid feel less-than-loved!

red_philosopher · 2018-12-16T16:27:53+00:00

(I'm using the second-person since you asked, I know you said it's not you specifically.)

Your kids aren't his responsibility. They won't ever be, and nor should they ever be. If you expect this guy to raise your kids with you, usually it starts to degenerate into a codependency. In addition, he's inevitably going to be expending resources on someone else's kids. Whether that's helping to pay for a roof, or for the communal family experience, it's a sacrifice that is being made that is largely going to go un/under-appreciated or taken for granted.

Most women simply do not appreciate that sacrifice, nor do they give it the respect that it is due. Further, usually his authority as an autonomous adult and decision-maker gets undermined by the mother, which causes conflict. Would you be willing to let this man, who is now going to be rasing your children with you, make these decisions? Would you accept them without getting resentful or bitter? Would you support and honor him because of that sacrifice he is making? For how long? What happens when they are old enough to live on their own?

TRP advocates never getting into a relationship with a single woman that already has children for some, and more, of the common results of these questions. Can it work? Yes. Is it likely? No. Is that pessimistic? Perhaps. But would you really want to be with a guy that denigrates himself to the role of supporting and rearing of another man's children? What's going to happen when he makes a decision you disagree with? He's going to get dropped like a hot potato, and if he's got any modicum of self-respect, he'd leave at the first sign of any resentment or entitlement to his sacrifice.

In the day and age where male sacrifice is no longer honored and respected, but rather expected at no benefit to the man, this is a loser's bet.

I don't believe that any red-pill man is going to be okay with that. Maybe there's a few that would work out, but not many.

eatavacado · 2018-12-18T07:37:40+00:00

As someone who had divorced parents and experienced my mom dating after, I feel drawn to pitch in on what I think is important in regards to the children in the dating as a mother situation. Children really impact the relationship. Here’s some stories that stick with me that we’re most impactful on my relationship with my mom and I, in regards to while she dated.

Negative Key Moment: one of my moms boyfriends rubbed me the wrong way after a year or so of living with him (my age:11-13). He talked inappropriately to me about my mom when he was drunk, I didn’t like how he treated my cat, and he mentioned my boobs on a few occasions and I wasn’t ok with it. I told my mom I didn’t like him, and that I didn’t want to spend time with him, and where I think things went wrong was when she insisted we have dinner together consistently and didn’t allow me to get the space I wanted from him. My distaste for him only intensified, and that caused more problems between me and him. Eventually I didn’t want to live with them anymore because of him and I took the stance of it’s him or me. She didn’t know what to do, and I moved in with my dad (in a house that was in much worse shape but where I felt like my needs were respected). Took a few months and me falling into serious depression over losing her before their relationship fell apart.

Key: I asked for space, I was denied that space, and then things REALLY didn’t work. I would’ve been able to stay and learn to get along with him after resolving our issues if I was given time away from him to cool off and come to him on my own terms.

Positive Key Moment: she dated 3 men including the one she’s with now since the divorce, and all throughout these relationships and years, we have our personal trips together and evenings where it’s just me and her. We talked about what we need to talk about, we had fun, we got to soak each other in. I had a great relationship with her that is still extremely strong to this day. We used to go on trips to the beach, go see new places we’ve never been (towns, restaurants), and in the end, I’m able to feel close to her after all our experiences and time together. She worked all throughout it, and spent most of it dating, but always made time for our relationship.

Take away: I didn’t have set in stone traditions in my home, and I didn’t always love the men she was with and they probably didn’t always like me, but that was never a problem between my mom and I as long as I had my moments with her and my needs were respected. One on one time with your child, and respect for their space from who your dating is important when looking at the child’s side of the equation. I hope this helps.

SraSB · 2018-12-16T15:38:55+00:00

If I was in your situation, I would be looking for a man with similar values and principals to mine. Therefore parenting wouldn't be an issue as both of us would be on the same page. 😊

Zegiknie · 2018-12-17T09:40:39+00:00

I just wanted to add a thank-you, for all the interesting perspectives and experienced you all brought up! Good to hear about succesful stepfamilies, I didn't know any personally.

Title	Relationships with stepfathers
Author	Zegiknie
Upvotes	2
Comments	24
Date	December 16, 2018 2:55 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/a6pkgm/relationships_with_stepfathers/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/relationships-with-stepfathers.67972 https://theredarchive.com/post/67972

Comments