Settle or be forever single?

Kara__El · 2018-09-18T15:46:45+00:00

My criteria was always "Could I be attracted to this man?" There were some no's, too.

One in particular was the nicest guy. He was hardworking, had a great attitude on life, made good money, wanted a family, had little baggage in his early 30's, loved all the same nerdy stuff I do, but could still shoot a gun better than I could. He was also really overweight and not very attractive in the face. He was 5'7", so the weight was very noticeable and I sat there across from him, thinking "Will his penis even extend past his belly?" I felt like the worst person and told myself I was being an ass and even went on a second date. The whole way there, I was thinking that I was a jerk and I'd exaggerated it in my mind and that it wasn't that big of a deal. Then he showed up and I realized that wasn't true at all. He was exactly as unattractive as I remembered. The booth wasn't screwed down and when he sat down, it flew back. I was mortified and so was he. At the end of the date, he asked if I wanted to go do something, like we'd planned. I told him I had to be somewhere and he went in for a kiss and I went in for a hug and it was the most awkward thing that has ever happened to anyone. He never contacted me again and I never contacted him.

A month later, I met my husband. He, too, was shorter than I'd once fantasized about, but he was broad-shouldered and stocky and to this day, I tell him he has the arms of Thor. His hair was red, which I could only tell from his beard, because he was wearing a hat and we all know that means he's balding. I'd never been attracted to redheads, but he had such pretty blue eyes and the combination was striking. He wasn't truly ginger in his freckles, so I felt I could be attracted to this one, despite the ridiculous "no redheads" "no balding guys" "no one under 6'" rules of my early twenties. It's worth noting, by the way that 2/3 of all men experience significant hair loss by 35 and less than 15% of the male population is at least 6'.

My point is, there are ways to be attracted to a man who's not the romance novel ideal you fantasized about at 22 and you have to be open to that or you will die alone... but you really can't commit to someone who repulses you. It's not fair to him or yourself. If you feel you're being realistic in your requirements for attraction, then move on, because there really is someone else who doesn't make you shudder.

MakeAmericaRichAgain · 2018-09-18T17:01:43+00:00

26 is still young enough to find someone. If you have to ask this question, you probably already know the answer.

BewareTheOldMan · 2018-09-19T03:40:56+00:00

So... no attraction at all, but he checks all the other boxes?

This is NOT your guy if you have ZERO attraction. He won't get better unless he decides to do so of his own volition...and you can't convince him. It has to be his decision. It's that simple.

Accept and truly and enthusiastically love him "as is" or set him free to find his 2/10 looks-match/RMV equal and allow this guy a chance at true happiness.

cc - u/skeleflor

cc - u/ClearBolt

liquidswan · 2018-09-18T18:39:08+00:00

Generally if someone isn’t at least a 5/10 in your eyes you shouldn’t be thinking of marrying them

ClearBolt · 2018-09-19T02:24:52+00:00

You can convince a guy to improve his body by using your admiration as a carrot, not in an "I won't like you if you don't this." But an "I'll like you more if you do this". Physical health also will benefit him in the long run a few decades down the road and improve his self-worth.

daddys-slutty-virgin · 2018-09-20T07:12:06+00:00

2/10? How exactly is he unattractive? Is it something he can change, like by gaining muscle? Does he have other sexual features that compensate, like a deep voice, rich sexual experience, or refined sexual techniques that would turn you on?

Yes, the way you speak of him is really... Tasteless. It really just sounds almost like you want to use him. You're going to have sexual issues later if you truly find him a 2/10.

Sorry, but i just think that's terrible. Love for your husband should include a sexual component, so every time you told him you loved him, you'd be partially dishonest.

26 is not bad. As long as your sexual partner count is still low, you'll be fine.

GingerDoughGirl · 2018-09-18T15:05:00+00:00

My fiance is not the hottest guy I could pull for a relationship but his relationship market value is off the charts. Realistically his SMV is probably only like a 3 or 4. For me though, I don't need the visual stimulation to be happy and sexually attracted. I need all the other things that are harder to find in a guy than a flat stomach...intense ambition, leadership qualities, a man almost everybody in my life who meets respects or wishes they could have. I focus on his positive physical attributes too. He isn't fit but he is very tall with clear blue eyes, a movie star perfect smile, and is very strong (used to be a linebacker back in his varsity football days). I am 31 and old enough to understand that the hottie with a six pack is going to make a crappy husband if that is all he has going for him and it probably isn't realistic for me to expect to find a guy who has everything my fiance does plus is a 7/10 SMV. That being the case, I'd rather have the man with high RMV and low-average SMV. We have an overall blissful relationship so I think I am making the right call.

cynicalhousewife · 2018-09-20T17:12:14+00:00

If you are not romantically attracted to this man it is NEVER going to work. There are no ifs or buts about it. You will only end up cheating on him or feeling really unhappy throughout the whole relationship and this isn't fair on either of you. Not only do you have the right to be content with your relationship but he deserves a woman who actually finds him sexy. The keyword here is content, and you cannot be content without having romantic feelings for someone.

"Settle or be forever single?"

are you aware of just how silly and irrational that sounds? If you actually seriously date and look for a man you will find a man. It's not like men are in short supply. Consider making a profile on an online dating website if you are struggling to meet people.

skeleflor · 2018-09-18T17:04:21+00:00

You haven't clearly stated what you find so unattractive about this man. Is it something he could improve? Could he grow a beard, lift weights? Is he a 2/10 in terms of physical attractiveness, or is that an estimate of your own excitement about him? Is he just not your "type"?

Looks and lust are ephemeral, bear in mind. The lasting qualities are far more important in a LTR, but having said that: everyone deserves to be desired. If you don't feel that you can truly desire and love this man the way you'd want someone to desire and love you, then let him go and keep looking; just make sure you are looking beyond aesthetics. Settling out of fear of dwindling options is the last thing you want to do. You might just find yourself ending up alone anyway, filing for divorce ten years from now, "cursing yourself" for the lost decade and the lonely ones to come. And by then you might have children to whom you're accountable.

aussiedollface2 · 2018-09-20T05:37:30+00:00

I think give it a bit of time to see if attraction grows. Although a 2/10 in your eyes does sound rather dire xo

RedPillWonder · 2018-09-21T00:35:00+00:00

You've gotten good advice here, and I'll simply add to the chorus of if attraction isn't there (or that low) then it's likely not going to work.

That said, what would you rate yourself, if you were being a tough judge?

Wanting someone who's at least a 7 when one is a 5 isn't going to help.

Now, you may be a ten for all I know, but if you decide to end this relationship and put yourself back on the market, a high SMV is going to be a big factor in your favor.

Title	Settle or be forever single?
Author	jererdansk
Upvotes	6
Comments	18
Date	September 18, 2018 1:34 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9guvhs/settle_or_be_forever_single/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/settle-or-be-forever-single.67629 https://theredarchive.com/post/67629

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