Struggling with low self-worth, attraction patterns, and finding my place in relationships

RedPillDad · 2025-09-02T14:14:50+00:00

I’ve noticed that I’m strongly attracted to confident, charismatic men — the ones who seem socially effortless

Assuming these guys are physically attractive to begin with, what you're describing is men with game (seductive competency, rizz), otherwise known as players. If he's also wealthy, he's the trifecta - looks, money and game. Add on high social status and he's Chad level. Every woman is attracted to a Chad.

and non-judgmental

The guys who don't care about your present and past behavior are the ones who want you in the moment but don't see a lasting future with you.

if I was hotter they would have stuck around.

It's not you, it's not whether you're attractive enough to the make them commit. Those guys are swimming in pussy and have no intention of committing to anyone. They play catch and release because that's a man's biologic agenda - maximum sexual variety with minimum commitment.

Blinded by desire/hotness is a common problem. If they're hot enough and you feel the chemistry, other selection criteria are ignored. The challenge is to hone your vetting ability to the point it supersedes your emotional impulses.

SeaMuted9754 · 2025-09-02T10:59:50+00:00

<1. ⁠If others see me as attractive, why do I feel it doesn’t “translate” into commitment from the men I want?>

Attractiveness means less when it comes to commitment if you’re in the same league of attraction. When a guy finds you attractive it just means he is willing to sleep with you.

<2. ⁠How much is my self-esteem/anxious attachment playing a part in me not being able to get these guys to commit vs how much of it would be me not being conventionally attractive enough?>

Your self esteem matters a decent amount when it comes to your external actions. Are you asking these men constantly if they think you’re pretty? Are you displaying intense jealousy? How is your lack of self esteem showing outwardly? If guys you like are saying your self esteem is the problem, then your looks have nothing to do with why you are not getting results.

My boyfriend hates women who say he’s going to leave them or that they’re not pretty. He finds them to be annoying and self fulfilling prophecy. If a man approaches you then you’re pretty enough.

Just know that if you are doing everything possible then you are never going to get any of the guys you like to commit. They don’t see as their dream girl so maybe look for guys who actually like you and work on yourself to find them attractive. You can’t make a man like you and if you try you will be waiting for a ring 7 years in wondering why he won’t commit again.

Jenneapolis · 2025-09-02T14:41:57+00:00

As is pretty common here, women think physical attractiveness is EVERYTHING. It is not. This gets you in the door with a guy, the rest of being relationship material is in your RMV. As is also pretty common here, women want men who are out of their league. By our of your league, I am not saying they are hotter than you/you are not hot enough. I am saying they are looking for something out of a GF/wife that you are not displaying.

Things like: are you sleeping with them right away, making them think you are easy? Are you willing to accept their breadcrumbs/scraps of affection without requiring commitment from them? Do you change who you are (in a bad way) to be around them/do things that don't align with your values? Do you have a solid life outside of them including interests, friends, etc? Are you able to demonstrate during the early dating phases that you can add to their lives - add joy, positivity, peace, fun, and skills (like cooking, cleaning, and other wifey things)? Are you the same religions? Are you the type of girl they would want to introduce to their mom?

These are all the things you need to focus on. Men will sleep with a wide range of women, the bar is not super high. You only really know your market value by the type of man you can get to commit to you.

Stop sleeping with men who are out of your league, if this is what is happening. It will truly mess you up long term. Or if these guys are really in your league, then work on your relationship skills. A man wants a woman who is confident and can stand her ground, even with him. Otherwise they are not going to see you as valuable if you don't even see yourself as valuable.

terragutti · 2025-09-02T16:35:08+00:00

Not everything is about looks. Theres also personality and compatibility.

Honestly you might not be what these guys are looking for. Do you give off conservative, seriously dating only vibes? They might be trying to sleep with you without commitment and thats all theyre looking for. Its you in the sense that its the men youre choosing.

Also chemistry can build over time. Are you giving these guys chances to get comfortable and get to know you past like 2 dates?

mistressusa · 2025-09-02T14:44:50+00:00

> the ones who seem socially effortless and non-judgemental

The men who are players and don't care about your past are not interested in you for the long haul. So if you want commitment, you need to choose differently.

>How much is my self-esteem/anxious attachment playing a part

Probably significantly. If you are clingy, controlling and full of drama, many men will not think of you as "wife material" especially if they have options.

I don't think it's your attractiveness since you are getting initial interests.

Wife_and_Mama · 2025-09-02T20:14:07+00:00

This reads like you're dating for fun and a good time, but expecting commitment. That's really not how it works. If you want to date hot guys and get physical immediately or party together, you're certainly not the first to do so, but you're not doing it without judgment. The reason they're not committing is that they are judging you. Typically speaking, they're also not in a place to settle down if they're still dating for fun. If you want to "lock down" a good man, especially one like you describe, you need to find one who's ready to be locked down and sees you as worthy of locking down.

My husband fit your description to a tee in his 20s. He was fit, had a good job, was and is extremely charismatic, and had no trouble taking home his fair share of rodeo queens. Yet, when the time came that he was ready for a real relationship, he chose me, a suburban librarian and practicing Catholic who liked to read, crochet, and make him cookies. I was nerdy and sarcastic, more cute than sexy. I was also smart, a good conversationalist, did things for him without expecting anything in return, was loyal, a good communicator, didn't start drama, was financially responsible, independent, hardworking, could cook, and wanted kids. All of those traits fall under RMV and outweighed the SMV ones his previous conquests might have possessed.

If you want to have fun at this stage in life, that's your prerogative. The guys you're doing it with aren't going to marry you, though. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

AutoModerator · 2025-09-02T07:53:56+00:00

Title: Struggling with low self-worth, attraction patterns, and finding my place in relationships

Author DangerousAnt1190

Full text: Hi ladies,

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my relationship patterns, and I’m realizing how much they’re tied to my sense of self-worth.

I’m a 23 year old woman. I’ve noticed that I’m strongly attracted to confident, charismatic men — the ones who seem socially effortless and non-judgemental. The issue is, deep down, I believe I’m “not enough” for the men I want, even though on the outside I go for really good-looking guys and hold myself to similar high standards. I don’t feel attracted to the men who do want to commit to me (nothing to do with anything other than attraction - just haven’t felt any chemistry yet with them and I give suitable suitors a fair chance. Not sure if this is because i have grown to only have had toxic relationships throughout my teenage years with a lot of highs and lows).

These men are usually hard to lock down; I found a couple of them on dating apps, and I do realise their relative attractiveness might be higher than mine. However, when I ask other people, especially my guy friends because they would be more honest, they’ve rated me an 8–8.5 and don’t feel like the guys I have been with were out of my league. A few anonymous redditors have rated me the same. People around me also frequently tell me I’m pretty, and I get approached and hit on quite a lot. I also know that is partially because I come across as approachable and easy to talk to. I have worked really hard on myself (both in terms of looks and personality). This creates a dissonance in my head— if I’m as attractive and approachable as others say, then why don’t the men I like commit to me? Am I overestimating my attractiveness, or is there something deeper going on? Some of the reasons men in the past have repeatedly given me for not wanting to commit are that I wasn't sure of myself and who I was aka shy and not fully comfortable expressing who I am (those men were provocative . Hearing this stings, because I know it’s true — I do struggle with low self-worth that comes and goes in waves. However, despite accepting all of that part of me still believes that if I was hotter they would have stuck around.

This leaves me in a tough spot because it feels like settling to me otherwise and I don’t want to do that. All I can think about is how I need to level up to be in the same league as these men and get them, but I’m also not sure if that will fix the issue since I believe I am so fundamentally unloveable. At the root, I know I need to work on my self-worth. I’ve been trying, but I still battle with the inner belief that I need to become a better version of myself to feel worthy of the men I want.

My question:

If others see me as attractive, why do I feel it doesn’t “translate” into commitment from the men I want?
How much is my self-esteem/anxious attachment playing a part in me not being able to get these guys to commit vs how much of it would be me not being conventionally attractive enough?
Has anyone else struggled with only being attracted to men who don’t fully choose them?

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Nerdslayer2 · 2025-09-02T21:21:11+00:00

It is pretty common for women (especially those with low self esteem) to be less attracted to a man because he is willing to commit to you. If you think you aren't very high quality then if a man is willing to commit to you then he must be kind of a loser because why would a high quality man want to commit to a low quality woman? Have you ever been attracted to a man up until the point where he wanted to commit to you, and then you didn't find him attractive?

Also, very attractive men in their early and mid twenties are often not looking to commit to anybody yet. If you are only looking at attractive men your own age or slightly older, they probably don't want to commit to anybody and there isn't much you could do to change that.

serene_brutality · 2025-09-02T16:09:45+00:00

Looks get you in the door but they don’t keep you in the house for long if your personality or effort is lacking.

Don’t get me wrong attraction and sex is important but I’ve never broken it off with a woman because she wasn’t pretty enough to keep me. If I’m sleeping with her regularly or for a while she’s pretty enough. What breaks it is she doesn’t try hard enough to be loyal, to make me think she cares, to give me as much as I give her.

After a while sex/looks is the only thing a lot of women offer and that’s not enough to keep someone around especially if he has options.

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InevitableKiwi5776 · 2025-09-02T20:56:30+00:00

Unless they have zero options, men won’t commit to a woman who doesn’t add to their life in a meaningful way. What do you bring to the table besides looks?

I agree you probably do need to become a better version of yourself to get commitment from a man you want. You need to increase your RMV to be a keeper AND to have confidence that you are a keeper.

Expecting a quality man to commit to you just because of your looks is quite juvenile and also kind of indicative of a low opinion of the men you claim to want.

Visual-Working-3955 · 2025-09-03T01:07:49+00:00

Attractive men themselves are a rare species. The more factors you add in the rarer they become and more and more women are aiming for them. Giving them many many many options so the need for them to commit to anyone before 35 is low. And at 35 there are plenty of women 21 to 25 that want them. Just telling you reality. Men are dogs at the worst and at best they are wolves who eventually slow down and want a commitment.

So keep that in mind and don't take things too personal.

imnot1234 · 2025-09-02T15:55:11+00:00

Are you questioning these men youre dating if youre good enough? They would find that exhausting

Title	Struggling with low self-worth, attraction patterns, and finding my place in relationships
Author	DangerousAnt1190
Upvotes	15
Comments	20
Date	September 2, 2025 7:53 AM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1n6dgwa/struggling_with_low_selfworth_attraction_patterns/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/struggling-with-low-self-worth-attraction-patterns.1561076 https://theredarchive.com/post/1561076

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