I got inspired to this OP by a comment in what exactly is submission and which was posted a day ago.

I will jump right into the topic and hope that the commenteé will understand that by no means this is intended to be in any way personal. I fully respect and understand the notion that "not second guessing" one's partner can be seen as "submission". But I would like to explain why it is not and how assuming it were is actually a symptom of the time we live in where men on average are not respected anymore.

From my perspective not commenting with my opinion on everything somebody else has to say has nothing to do with submission. It is only a matter of basic trust and basic respect. Trust and respect that I have towards all my friends and usually other grown ups that live their own lifes.

I think that playing ping-pong with our thoughts and contradictions is a very feminine way of communication, we learn by placing all kind of perspectives from different angles against each other. This seems chaotic and non-logical for men who follow a more linear and less associative way of discussing or solving a problem.

However also we women probably also all know one or two friends who are sometimes a bit annoying because they feel they need to comment on everything with their subjective opinion. Be it the new dress that you just bought and where she found a nicer or less pricey one somewhere else or be it that you made a choice for your relationship on which she does not agree and which she needs to tell you immediately, such that you sometimes ask yourself quietly if you should really go on telling her anything at all, because

a) continuous unsolicited advice is annoying

b) continuous unsolicited opinions are annoying

c) they not only make you wonder if the person sees anything but herself

d) they also make you feel not respected

e) they also make you feel that the other is actually thinking that you are unable to make your own decision, handle your problems, life, etc.

So for example I would like to do some upgrades in my apartment. I don't want to move because it doesn't make sense and to me it is clear that I truly do not want to move. If I wanted to, I would have done so already some time ago. Now I have this friend and for some time, whenever I mentioned something I wanted to change in the apartment she started searching for a new apartment for me. I know that she meant it really sweetly and she only wants me to live in a place where I feel fully comfortable, but I am not willing to spend the time for searching, moving, etc. and also don't want to spend almost twice as much on a new apartment. Moreover I generally like it here and would prefer to simply buy new furniture. However, for mooooonths 🙈 she kept trying to find a new apartment for me. As much as I appreciate her, at some point I was asking myself why she pushed this so hard and if she really thought that my apartment was so crappy that it was intolerable or if she thought I couldn't decide myself what I want and need.

Similar happens with my mom. I just want to tell her something that happened or what I did and she immediately questions everything. Really everything. She has an opinion, even if I just tell her that it was raining and I had to cancel an appointment. She jumps to conclusion immediately, without even checking if what I said was just for information or if an opinion is really needed and it is really driving me insane.

I also know that I am guilty of this as well 🙈

I sometimes think it is a consequences of truly caring and wanting to contribute and support the other in making something better, but then we often forget that the other person might be perfectly capable to handle things and by always questioning or giving our opinions we basically treating the other as if he were unable to think himself or unable to take care of himself or unable to decide what is important and what not. So while intended to be helpful it can also be intrusive and overtaking.

Imagine you were meeting a stranger and tell him that you booked vacation and he immediately questions everything. The country you choose, the hotel, the provider, the season, etc.

So I think we sometimes just need to remind ourselves about the basic respect we have towards strangers, were we do not feel that we have the right to tell them about how to do things better. First because we assume they are capable of deciding for themselves and second because we simply know that we are not entitled to comment on everything.

I also think that interpreting "basic respect" as "submission" indicates a rather feminist mental attitude where men generally are not respected. Because only lack of respect entitles one to give unsolicited opinions or advice. And only coming from a feminist mindset where men are denied respect, or were women feel entitled to finally "have a say" on everything, something like the request for basic respect (=STFU) can start to resemble "submission".

Refraining from unsolicited advice has nothing to do with submission.

And yes, if your relationship changes to the better because you started treating your husband with more respect by sometimes just listening and keeping quiet instead of explaining your point of view then it is no surprise 😉