What Do I Do? Suddenly Finding it difficult to Accept My Nonvirgin Husband's Sexual Past Even though It is Too Short

Makrii817 · 2017-12-31T16:16:17+00:00

I’m so sorry for how you feel. My husband too had 3 sexual partners before me while I was still a virgin on our wedding night. To be honest, after that first time, all I could do was compare myself to the women who had come before. They were probably better than me in bed since they weren’t virgins, and I made up all of these horrible scenarios in my head like that he regretted marrying me because I was terrible at sex.

I know most people say you should talk these things out with your husband but like you, I didn’t want pity or for him to feel upset about this too. Instead, I first acknowledged that all of these scenarios were just in my head. While his other partners were probably better at sex, he didn’t marry them for a reason. He chose to marry and spend the rest of his life with me. Sex is important, but it’s something that gets better with time, especially as virgin. My very first time with my husband was okay, but after learning and exploring each other, it’s gotten better and better. You learn each other’s cues and get more enthusiastic and adventurous. All of these ideas in your head that your husband isn’t enthusiastic about sec with you are just in your head.

I think part of it is that he’s nervous about your first time too. For him, this is a 7 year period without sex and he has a lot of expectation on him. My recommendation is that you both take a night off to relax, light candles, (drink a little wine together if you do drink) and talk and see what happens. You obviously have chemistry together if you’ve stayed together for 7 years without sex, so keep it low pressure and let your first time happen with the man you love. Don’t put a ton of expectation into that first time you have sex, just enjoy it for the fact that it’s your first time with the man you love and know that it will get better. Put expectation into the life you’ll have together rather than one night.

And finally, I would apologize to your husband. It isn’t fair to punish him for women that he was with before he met you. And if you believe in God and that He forgave your husband, how can you not forgive him too? That’s not to say it’ll be easy to forget, but it happens with time. And to be honest, your husband isn’t thinking about them, so why put them into his mind by talking about them?

There’s a whole host of things on the internet to help you move past these things and if you’re interested, message me and I would help talk them out with you too. Best of luck to both of you and congratulations on your wedding!

Kara_El · 2017-12-31T16:03:55+00:00

You need to let this go and let him come to you. It sounds like you come from a faith that's making him feel unworthy and ashamed and you're making it worse. He waited for you. He married you. He obviously wants you, so quit doubting yourself. Be approachable and kind and stop making him feel bad for something you've already accepted in him. This is clearly a big deal for him, too, if he's avoiding it and crying about it. The difference is that he feels ashamed and rejected and you just feel rejected. I would suggest talking to a spiritual leader about this and helping your new husband find some peace.

dashdotdott · 2017-12-31T16:49:24+00:00

Turtles are great

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2018-01-01T15:22:42+00:00

You say that you have great communication but you didn’t talk about sex prior to your wedding day? I imagine as a virgin you have probably wanted to talk about this as much as possible prior. Did you sense that this might be his reaction beforehand? Why are you just starting to talk about it now?

I think that choosing not to have sex on your honeymoon is the weirdest choice I’ve ever heard of honestly. To not have sex on the actual wedding night I’ve heard is pretty normal, but to not have sex on the honeymoon is completely bizarre. Honeymoons are pretty much entirely so you can have as much sex as you want to.

Indubitably_Confused · 2018-01-01T02:59:30+00:00

I can attest to the fear of intimacy from a 7 year period without sex. It is truly terrifying, because you've had it before, but it's been quite a while since the last time. Definitely calm the hamster, then be patient with him about this.

est-la-lune · 2018-01-01T00:20:42+00:00

IMO your husband doesn't have enough experience to be jaded by sex unless he was abused or is highly religious. It's possible your husband has a low sex drive. Has he ever gotten his testosterone level checked?

Also, have you openly communicated your expectations to each other? I don't think your problem is that your husband wasn't a virgin when you met. I think your problem is that in your post you expressed certain attitudes and expectations that aren't necessarily healthy.

Sex is only one component of a relationship and of the intimacy between partners. You say that you have a stable communication system, but what are you communicating? Are you communicating your feelings, or are you communicating your needs and your boundaries with each other? Because it sounds to me like you are missing vital information to understand your husband's behavior!

As far as experience goes...

As long as you are willing and able to communicate with your partner, you can learn to have good sex with anyone. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed, though you may feel nervous! Look up different positions and ask your husband to try them with you. Tell him that you want to explore these things together and that you're excited to share the experience with him.

Being good at sex requires being an enthusiastic and willing participant in sexual activity. Explore your body, explore each other's bodies, and give yourself permission to be uninhibited with your husband. He is after all your husband, and not just a random guy you're hooking up with or even a LTR.

TDUser333333 · 2018-01-01T23:19:48+00:00

Thats a tough thing to realize.

My way of coping with my exes history was to just focus on the feeling of the first sexual encounter before I knew anything, then consider that the only actual difference between now and then was my own mind.

Not great advice, but I found it helpful. Best wishes.

nonamanuensis · 2018-01-02T21:48:18+00:00

Your husband's past is not to blame for this.

Getting married is a LOT of stress. And putting all that focus on the first time having sex together is also stressful. You've spent a long time practicing saying "no" so it's a change to say "yes."

I think what you should do is keep coyly indicating your attraction and desire to him. Make it safe for you to both be together sexually despite your fears. The goal is not to have an amazing wild night each and every night in the beginning - you're just not there together yet. I bet if you get over this snag you will get there and it will be great. He is not going to ravage you if you seem fearful, insecure, or are nurturing catastrophic stories about what this means about your future.

Take him at his word. Unless he outright tells you with words that you are controlling him or he fears you will never have a good sex life, just assume everything is going to be fine. Do NOT make up stories about what he is thinking or feeling. This will get you into trouble. So you had a really rough first night and you think you're doomed - well, the only way to find out is to keep trying instead of living the story in your head.

Focus on how he is an attractive man to you. Make lists of all the wonderful things about him that you're grateful for and daydream about being his wife and why you love him - that will change your mindset quite a bit. Ask some very close married female friends who have good relationships if they have advice. Close your eyes and imagine what he looks like. When you're with him drink in the smell of him and if you both can get to a comfortable point play body games - go over each others' scars and tell each other stories of how they came to be, find the tickly spots, touch every inch (erogenous and boring) and explain "wow, no one has ever touched me there in years" (like the back of your ear, who touches that!?), let yourself be fascinated and explore the parts of his body that are different than yours. If you've never been with a man you'll be amazed at something as innocent as their backs and arms, for instance, when it feels like you have all the time and allowance in the world to admire them. Push yourself past the stories in your head to the moment and let yourself be vulnerable and silly and girlish and amazed. He may retreat if it's too vulnerable or too scary but you can be playful and pout in return instead of responding in fear or disappointment. This is only the beginning of your lifelong relationship. You have some work to do to simultaneously do your part to make this transition uncomfortably new and risky and comfortably safe and you will be great at it.

juiceboxguy85 · 2018-01-04T21:30:41+00:00

Ummm...he's gay

ccm27 · 2017-12-31T19:17:34+00:00

you need a huge redpill dose, honestly. you need to unlearn all the shit the "elders" tough you.

PS: the "ouldn't physically bond with me that night" is uber bullshit. it's not how things/people/connection/bonding works.

Title	What Do I Do? Suddenly Finding it difficult to Accept My Nonvirgin Husband's Sexual Past Even though It is Too Short
Author	seeyann
Upvotes	7
Comments	13
Date	December 31, 2017 1:29 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7n8gwh/what_do_i_do_suddenly_finding_it_difficult_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/what-do-i-do-suddenly-finding-it-difficult-to.74009 https://theredarchive.com/post/74009

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