When I feel like making my eyes bleed, I scan the first few pages of Thought Catalog--I always regret it. My analysis isn't rigorously Red Pill, so feel free to add your own, correct mine, or whatever. Read on.

It’s not going to be easy, good relationships never are. I’m going to test you and challenge you every step of the way. We are going to fight and bicker. I will call you out on your faults just like I hope you call me out on mine. I want to bring out the best in you and hope that you bring out the best in me. I know this relationship can be great. You just have to deal with me. If you can deal with my vulnerability and my flaws then boy I will be yours forever.

I will shit test you, constantly, and when you fail I will continue to break you down until even the thought of calling me out for something I completely deserve will never enter your mind. After I've reduced you to a passive eunuch, you will be in my orbit forever.

I’m really easy, call me beautiful and I’ll melt in your hands. Prove to me that I’m the only one for you and I will give you the world. I’m selfless and if you prove yourself to me I’ll give you anything I can, my love works that way. But you have to deal with me to, because like any girl I’m not perfect.

I'm really easy for hot guys to sleep with. But not for you. Once you've proven to me that you will sheepishly accept any amount of my terrible behavior, THEN I'll give you all of the gold krugerrands I have in my purse. Just Kidding! I don't have anything in my purse, and by the way, what does give mean?

I believe that it is beautiful to be imperfect. Blemishes and scars, baggage and vulnerability, is beautiful. Imperfections are what make people who they are. So you should know right away that I am not perfect and I will never pretend to be.

I know I'm an HB:5 with a bad case of entitlement and zero accountability, but YOU better treat me like a princess. The guys I fuck treat me like a disposable slam-piece, but that is okay because alpha cock is my highest form of validation. While you're still trying to "earn" your way into my pussy, um... yeah: Princess!

Along with being imperfect, I can also be a bitch. I can complain, whine, and be a pain in the ass. I rather do things myself than wait for them to be done. I like to be in control. I am also extremely honest. I can be harsh and even rude, but I will always tell it like it is. I will give it to you straight and although I will try to be careful with your feelings, I won’t lie. I believe that to be a real person you shouldn’t hide who you really are. There is nothing worse than fakeness to me. I will always be real, no matter how bitchy that might be.

When things don't go my way or you don't do what I want, then I will bitch at you until you fix my problems and/or do what I tell you. Because in my mind, using you to fix something is about like you using a wrench to fix something. Lol, the wrench doesn't get the credit, silly; I do!

While my girls nights mean the world to me, most nights I rather stay in. Curl up in bed with a mug of hot chocolate and a good movie or an interesting book. I can get lost in a book or one of my favorite movies. I need that alone time, its how I distress[sic]. I need you to be ok with the fact that I won’t want to go out every night. I need my time to relax and you need your time to do what you like to do.

I need you to sit at home, alone, without pestering me, all while believing that I'm staying in for the night. I'm really out with my friends, but you'll never run into me because you're staying in for the night too, right sweetie?

When we do go out be ready for a good time. I like to drink, I like to dance, and I like to let loose. I’m not scared to have fun and meet new people. I’m also comfortable being who I am when we go out. Don’t expect a face full of makeup and a sexy outfit. I wear what makes me comfortable in my own skin. I rather stick with my more natural look than try to hard to look sexy.

When we go out, I may look like shit if I thought it would be just for you. But if some hot guys show up then get ready for the time of your life as you watch me probing for branches to swing to--right in front of you!

I hope you can dance because I will break it down on the dance floor. I have no shame when it comes to having a good time. I’ll do the moonwalk, the running man or the cupid shuffle. I know what it feels like to sit in the corner and shy away from the spotlight. I did that for the last guy I was with but I’m sorry I won’t do that again. We can have fun and you can be the life of the party with me.

You are my little beta court jester. How many times do I have to remind you of that, boo? And we all remember how much ass the class clown pulled in high school... now DANCE, monkey!

Another thing that is important to me is that I am a lady. I respect my body and my mind. I believe in commitment and loyalty in a relationship. I’ll be honest, I’m a prude. I’m not your typical girl. I don’t sleep around or hook up. I like conversation and getting to know someone. I think it’s important to be able to have an intellectual conversation with someone. Intimacy is important too, but holding a conversation is even more important to me. I respect intelligence and I believe that you should like me for more than just my looks.

Although I in no way resemble a lady, you must treat me like one. Furthermore, you must nod in sage approval as I babble on about whatever I read at Jezebel or I Fucking Love Science, and then parrot back my opinions back to me. Because smart.

I promise that I won’t be too hard on you. I can be patient and kind as long as you are willing to do the same for me. I’ll give you my whole heart if you are ready to give away yours. I will give you all the love you need. I will give you the world. All I ask is that you handle my heart with care, and understand that just like every other girl, I’m not perfect.

I promise that once you swallow this blue pill, my bullshit will seem like the most natural thing in the world. You'll even defend it while I grow increasingly disgusted by your weakness. Hey honey, I just feel like staying in for the night, you too? K, thanks. Text me tomorrow in case I want to you bring me Starbucks when you pick me up from work.