Why are women attracted to confident men? If a guy is good looking, tall, smart, and successful, why would it matter to a woman if, when he approaches her, he mumbles his words, acts anxious, stares at the floor, etc… There are plenty of rational reasons a woman would want a confident man, but women’s main desire for confidence is purely primal and irrational, and oftentimes leads them to drug dealers and strip club DJs rather than investment bankers. Where does this primal desire for “confidence” come from?

Women are repelled by anxiety because anxiety is correlated with submissiveness. Evolution created anxiety to ensure that women and beta males obey and submit to the alpha male. There are other types of anxiety – separation anxiety exists to ensure that you do not get too far away from “home” or the tribe, obsessive compulsive disorder exists to ensure that you keep your surroundings clean and organized, etc… But the strongest anxiety comes from our desire to please the alpha male. This is why women and very weak men can never directly confront a man – their emotions literally cannot handle it, so they have to do something sneaky or passive aggressive.

If I had to sum up “game” in one sentence I would say: don’t freak out. Just stay calm. Even if you feel like she is going to walk out on you, just stay calm and act like nothing is happening. The most attractive thing you can do in gaming a woman is be calm, no matter what happens. It’s stupid, but the mere fact that you are calm in the face of adversity is incredibly sexy to a woman because it shows that you are not submissive. Of course, in reality being calm and submissive are have nothing to do with each other – you can be both calm and submissive. But in our ape emotions, we equate being calm with being the alpha and we equate anxiety with being the beta. Women will try to cause anxiety in you to see how you react: this is a shit test. If you just let it wash over you like nothing happened, you will look more attractive.

What is anxiety?

Evolution is smart – it realizes that it can’t predict all the different ways you would want to rebel against the alpha male, so it induces a crippling feeling that makes you not want to do ANYTHING, especially anything that could lead to failure, and thus humiliation, and thus disapproval of the alpha male, and thus ostracism from the tribe. Because anything with an uncertain result may fail, anxiety ends up creating conformist worker bees because 1) they will not rebel against the alpha male and 2) they won’t do anything unpredictable or “new” because they might fail. That’s why people crippled with anxiety get stuck in stupid routines and addictions – they are only doing things that they know will succeed or feel good, like drugs or video games.

Anxiety also relies on confabulation, which when the human mind produces seemingly “rational” thoughts that are really just justifications for its emotions. You can see confabulation in political arguments – an Obama supporter will reject any rational argument criticizing Obama but will accept any stupid argument, no matter how rationally flawed, that supports Obama. Same with Trump supporters (I don’t want to make this a right/left thing).

Because of confabulation, anxiety is a sneaky motherfucker. You think you have “rational” reasons to not do something, but it’s really your anxiety hijacking your rational thinking ability. And whenever you resolve to do something, anxiety will subtly come up with a completely unrelated story to stop you in some other way. Over time, these confabulated thoughts congeal and become solidified, so they become part of your identity, which is why you hear guys saying things like “I’m just bad at music” or “I’ll always be out of shape.” Unfortunately, overthinking makes this problem worse because your thoughts are being influenced by anxiety itself – the very thing you are trying to fight. Each thinking cycle gives your anxiety more influence, which strengthens your false self. This is why self-help people advocate “ego death” – it’s not your ego that needs to go, but your “self” that you’ve created through numerous thought cycles that were being secretly influenced by your anxiety and other negative emotions.

Anxiety is an incredibly difficult problem to solve because your subconscious is a supercomputer that is stronger than your rational brain. Your subconscious is literally constantly coming up with strategies to make you feel anxious and paralyze you. That’s why any anti-anxiety strategy must be “deep” and reach into the “core” of your soul.

Additionally, anxiety is tricky because it sometimes serves a good purpose. There are times when anxiety is telling to you to be careful because there is actually something dangerous going on. It would be great if you could just say “anxiety is a liar” and just ignore it all the time, but you can’t. Sometimes it’s right and if you ignore it, you will expose yourself to danger – this is why immature pot smokers and drug addicts often end up ruining their lives – they don’t have that voice in their head to tell them to tighten up.

The world is rational

I’m not a psychologist or a therapist, and I know it will be silly for me to try to pretend like I how to defeat anxiety. But I have a theory that helps me.

One way to defeat anxiety is to realize that the world is governed by rational rules that don’t care about your or anybody else’s feelings. Of course, I don’t know for a fact that the world is rational; for all we know we could be all living in a twisted funhouse created by an evil demon that is constantly changing the rules on us. But as far as anybody can tell, it’s safe to say the world is governed by constant, rational rules. This may seem obvious, but anxiety is so insidious it even colors the way we look at the world: we may think that the world is “out to get us” or that it’s governed by an evil cabal of Jewish illuminati pedophiles that will never let us succeed. Whenever you talk to losers, you realize oftentimes that their fundamental beliefs about reality are broken, which is how they justify their continued loserness.

It’s important to realize that EVERYTHING is governed by rationality, even stuff that pop culture says is magic, like love. Psychology, politics, art, the weather, etc… is all governed by rational rules. Of course, science don’t know all of the rational rules about everything yet, but there is no reason to think anything is not rational. Everything can be fundamentally “figured out.” That doesn’t mean it is any less beautiful or amazing.

That hot girl sitting at the bar isn’t some magical creature: she is a robot and she will give output X if fed with input Y. Of course, you may not know input Y you need to give her, or you may not have that input Y in your possession, but if she is a human woman there is fundamentally an input Y that you can feed into her that will give you output X. It’s not rocket science to figure out what most hot girls want: a tall, in-shape, funny, confident, well-dressed, smart guy with a billion dollars and a big dick. Most women, especially modern women brainwashed by pop culture, aren’t complicated creatures. If you scan their likes on Facebook, you can figure out most of their personality. I sometimes do this before dates and then she thinks we are soulmates. Remember: everything is a mathematical equation that can be figured out. I’m not saying this to make you an autistic dork that treats a date like a math problem, but to motivate you to realize that there is nothing to be anxious about: with enough practice, you can get good at anything.

If you think that believing that the world is governed by cold, rational rules that don’t give a fuck about humanity would increase one’s anxiety, that is your anxiety talking. The fact that the world is rational is great news because human beings have the ability to think rationally, so we can fundamentally “understand” the world. And once we can “understand” the world, we can make plans to succeed in it. Of course, we don’t need to understand the whole world, we just need to understand the particular rules that relate to our mission.

The emotions to fight anxiety

Anxiety is fundamentally an emotion, so our beliefs about reality are not enough to overcome it. The only thing that can defeat an emotion is a stronger emotion. There are many ways to do this: exercise, massages, meditation, etc… But let’s get to the heart of the matter. You can kill your anxiety by either becoming the alpha male or being accepted by the alpha male.

Becoming the alpha male kills your anxiety because evolution created anxiety so the betas obey the alpha, but the alpha doesn’t need to obey anybody, so he doesn’t feel anxiety. Science has even shown that “beta” apes have more of the stress hormone cortisol. The alpha also has a conquering instinct which makes him feel like he can defeat any other ape that tries to make him obey.

Becoming the alpha male is not completely a realistic option for most men because in our modern society, we will always have people above us. Society itself acts like an “alpha male” in our minds and induces submissiveness and conformity. We can emotionally “feel” like an alpha for stretches of time, but we can’t maintain it all the time without being delusional. Even if we could be an alpha male all the time, we still need to humble ourselves before other men occasionally to improve.

Another option is to be accepted by the alpha male. Evolution uses anxiety to make sure you obey the alpha male so he likes you. But if you know the alpha male likes you, then you won’t have any anxiety. Social anxiety in most people is caused by an incessant fear that people don’t like them or that they will do something to fuck up and make people not like them.

The desire to be accepted by the alpha male is the root of religion. God is the ultimate alpha male and he loves everybody so people worship God and follow his rules, and in turn they “feel” like they have been accepted by him, relieving their anxiety. Once anxiety is gone, they are energized.

Another way to “feel” accepted by the alpha male is to have male role models. This may seem silly to you and even maybe gay, but I believe that every man must have male role models, no matter where you are in life. There has to be some man somewhere in history that achieved something you haven’t. Learn from him. As we’ve discussed, anxiety paralyzes you with fear in the face of uncertainty. But once you watch another man do that thing, your fear will dissipate because your male conquering instinct will make you think “if that idiot can do it, why can’t I?” Of course, reading about great men doesn’t make them actually accept you, but if you learn their lessons and walk in their footsteps, you will “feel” like they accepted you and you are on their path. That is why ritual is so important in religion – we may think it is stupid to light candles or wear silly hats, but doing that makes people “feel” like God accepted them and their anxiety disappears.

I read a lot of biographies of great men (something I recommend everybody do) and it strikes me that these guys accomplished things I would have otherwise “felt” it was impossible for a man to do. I had no rational reason to think that it was impossible, but may anxiety made me “feel” like there is no way a regular guy could do such things. I’m 33, and I am pretty set in my career. I’m probably not going to become a world class basketball player or a famous scientist or movie star. And a lot of the facts of the lives of great men don’t really apply to me. But I read about them for the pure emotional boost I get. I am self aware enough to know that my anxiety is constantly fighting my male conquering instinct, and reading about other men’s conquering instinct makes mine come alive.

By the way, the loss of anxiety that comes with being accepted by the alpha male is why women find being around the alpha male a “religious” experience. Women are wracked by anxiety, and the best way they can overcome that anxiety is by being around an alpha male. Once a woman has accepted you as her alpha male, you have the power to remove her anxiety by her just being in your presence. But for this to work, you must also either feel no anxiety (this is very hard) or at least exude a demeanor that you are not feeling anxiety (in other words, fake it till you make it). This goes back to my initial thought: you can be extremely attractive to women just by being calm.

Making plans

Just “feeling” like an alpha male or like you are accepted by the alpha male is not enough to cure your anxiety. Anxiety is a constantly lurking ninja always ready to stab you in the back. Furthermore, no anti-anxiety plan is worth a damn if it can’t help you succeed at your mission. A lot of people eliminate anxiety with drugs or other distractions, but when they get back to work their anxiety comes back. Your anti-anxiety plan shouldn’t require ignoring work; it should be a plan to tackle work.

To conquer anxiety one must figure out the rational rules about the world that you need to know (it’s obviously impossible to know everything), and then make plans. Anxiety can try to crush you into submission and paralysis, but as long as you formulate a plan and follow it you will succeed. Your plan may be wrong (there may be rational facts about the world that you did not account for), but then you just make a new plan and try again using the new facts you’ve learned. Anxiety can make you feel paralyzed or listless, but you just need to do SOMETHING, and that plan gives you the something to do. Once you take the first step, you will get a “win,” which will motivate you to take the second step, etc…

And most of us are going to be doing stuff that some other person has done before us, so we can find a plan in a book or on the internet somewhere. And if you are actually doing something nobody has ever done before, well, good luck – you are a special member of the human race. For the rest of us, success is actually pretty easy – the hard part is fighting the emotions that want to paralyze us.

Most people don’t make plans for their life. They just follow their emotions and/or listen to what society tells them to do, which oftentimes lead them down the safest, most conformist path. Even when people “follow their heart” or go off the beaten path, they are just following some other person they heard about somewhere that did the same thing or they are “know” that the crazy path they are following will succeed. Very few people are willing to walk into true uncertainty.

One night I went to a fancy nightclub in New York City, and saw tons of guys get rejected by the doorman. These dudes had clearly “planned” on going to this club tonight, and when that fell through their night was ruined. Sometimes they had a hot date with them, and they would be yelling at the bouncer in the cold while the girl shivered in a sexy dress and high heels. It blew my mind that people would leave the house without a plan. You didn’t know that New York nightclubs don’t let everyone in? What if the club had been closed or full of smelly people or something? You couldn’t do 20 minutes of planning to ensure that your next 5-6 hours would be fun?

I figured out that people didn’t make plans because of anxiety. For most people, “going out” is an emotional thing – a time to kick back and have fun, so they don’t plan. But following your emotions subjects you to anxiety. They may not “feel” like they have anxiety, but their thought process is paralyzed and otherwise intelligent, sophisticated people in New York City are arguing with a minimum wage doorman to get inside a shitty club they wouldn’t have enjoyed anyway. If you have no plan, your fun is up to chance.

I started to plan out my meals, my schedule, my workouts, sometimes weeks in advance. If it sounds crazy to you, it kind of is. There is only so much time and mental energy a person has, so it’s not worth planning lunch out weeks in advance. But for stuff that does matter, it is worth planning – and the only thing stopping you is your anxiety. Your anxiety doesn’t want you to plan because it makes you think “well what if it goes wrong” (isn’t it still better to plan?) “you don’t have enough information to make a good plan” (you wouldn’t even be looking up information if you weren’t making a plan) or “you’ll have more fun if you go with the flow” (I can always go with the flow if it’s better than my plan – I just want to have my plan as a backup).

Women and dominance

If you’ve ever dated a woman, you’ve realized that women always want men to take the lead and make plans, decide where to eat, etc… Hopefully this article has given some reasons why. A man who “takes the lead” is demonstrating a lack of anxiety. He still may feel anxiety (she can’t get in your head to know how you feel) but he is acting like somebody without anxiety. A woman says “I don’t know where I want to eat” because anxiety cripples her decision making capabilities. It seems petty, but the mere fact of you taking the initiative and just picking a place makes her feel good.

Women are attracted to men with a mission because that means the man has a plan, which means he has conquered his anxiety (or is in the process of conquering it, which is even more attractive), which means he is the alpha, not the beta. This is true both on a macro level and a micro level – a woman wants to know you have a life mission but also a mission for the night. And that mission can’t just be to get her or just do whatever she does (or else you are back to being a submissive beta). Women don't know what they want to do - their emotions are paralyzed by anxiety - they need you to tell them.

When you go out, you must always have a plan. Even if you don’t, pretend like you do. When you talk to a woman, you have to both feel like that this is just a pit stop on the road to doing whatever you wanted to do. I sometimes act extremely petty and stupid when talking to women, but I know it works psychologically. If I just wander into a bar after work and I start talking to a woman I will pretend as if I have some grand plan for the night. “Yeah I came here to just get a drink, then I’m meeting my friends later, then we’re going to a late night party, etc…” It might be a lie, but just the fact that I have a plan that isn’t all about her makes her feel better about me. And it’s not just about the words either – my body language and demeanor must give off the vibe that essentially says “hey I like you and I think you’re cool, but I have a greater plan that I absolutely must follow. I will give you as much attention as I squeeze out before I have to get back to the plan. Maybe if you’re lucky, I can let you join the plan.”

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