Conversational Compliance - Part I: What it is and Why it's important

There’s been much talk of “persuasion” this election cycle. It’s a hot topic, and I’ve gone balls deep on reading about it. From books about Neuro-Linguistic Programming, to podcasts about hypnosis, and diving deeper into my own background of sales and marketing.

After /u/bruh_my_jays wrote a three-part series on NLP, I mentioned in a comment that I was saddened that he beat me to it, but got some feedback on writing a post series on conversational compliance (hypnosis).

Let’s do this.

Why you should read this:

If you read this section, you’ll improve your ability to influence people to get what you want. I think this is a top-5 topic to master for any man in terms of being successful.

You’ll gain a deeper understanding of how people are “plugged in” on a regular basis, and how to use that to your advantage.

For game, it will make it easier for a girl who wants to fuck you to get from the bar to your bedroom. For your career, you’ll sell your ideas, your services, and yourself more effectively. Everyone is in sales, after all.

Most importantly - this shit is everywhere. It has been actively used on you many times in just the last hour.

So play or be played.

Some Truths

Most of our life is spent on autopilot. Whether in our own head, following societal norms, or doing the same old routine stuff - we are less aware, and less rational than we think. In fact, most of our responses to external stimuli are automatic programs run by our brains.

Two things you must believe to get anything out of this post series:

Humans are automatic.

Almost 40% of our actions each day are the result of habit - not decision. We have “click-whirr” sequences of behaviors that we unconsciously perform all the time. If you hear the term “because,” it triggers an automatic compliance response. What came before the because must be important, regardless of what came after.

Humans are not logical.

Negative emotions either close us off to any information (even beneficial), or make us more receptive to any outside information (even hurtful) on a minute-to-minute basis. And in fact - people who had the part of their brains damaged that deals with emotions cannot make decisions. You must put emotion behind something.

This entire series is all about how to use someone’s autopilot for your benefit. I’m going to use “trance” quite often going forward, and I use the term seriously. Not in the “you’re getting sleepy” sense of the word, but simply to describe a particular state where your conscious mind is delightfully occupied so your subconscious mind can take over.

If you’ve ever driven some place and totally forgot how you got there - you know what it’s like to operate on autopilot. Consider a vivid daydream: you’re in such a deep trance that the world literally melts away. Next time you’re at a party, tell an engaging story and watch other’s faces. You can tell exactly when they turn their critical faculties off and they go into trance.

A little bit about language

Someone’s subjective view of the world often has little, if anything to do with objective reality. Their “reality” is filtered through experiences, beliefs, and even how someone feels at that moment. This is one of the touchstones of NLP.

When communicating, no one can use language (Surface Structure) elegantly enough to fully communicate what they’re internally seeing and feeling (Deep Structure) - They’re just symbols used as best we can, the tip of the iceberg we show the world that stands in for what’s below.

Here’s what’s important for our purposes - listening is the same way, but even worse. Even if you could express how you feel or think with complete accuracy, I would still run it through my model of the world, twisting, ignoring and inferring certain parts. You simply cannot communicate with enough quality or quantity for that not to be the case.

People do all of the above unconsciously. It’s not only natural - it’s necessary. Biologically, our brain can’t process more than a couple things at once, psychologically we have to protect our way of thinking, and evolutionarily we filter everything we deem non-essential.

What is conversational hypnosis?

Since our subject is already accessing their unconscious to make sense of the symbols used in language, what if we used strategically used language to guide them?

Here’s my quick and dirty model of what conversational hypnosis IS:

Once we detect that our subject is open to it, we’ll start offering suggestions as to what what they might do or believe, and, depending on how open to it they are, let their own unconscious mind connect the dots as to how and why.

A deeper (and deeper) look at language

In NLP, written/verbal language has two parts - Surface structure and Deep structure, both mentioned above. We’re about to get into the weeds, but I promise that you’ll find this fascinating when you think about recent interactions you’ve had:

• Surface Structure: The actual words you use. Think of the part of the iceberg that’s above the water.
• Deep Structure: Your internal representation. The massive part of the iceberg that’s below the water.

NLP represents how these structures interact with each other into two models - The Meta-model and the Milton Model. When we talk about influence and hypnosis, we will be using the Milton model, but it’s extremely important to talk about the Meta Model first to show exactly what Milton IS NOT, but how it plays off of it.

The Meta Model:

• Deep Structure to Surface Structure.
• Putting vague internal representations into specific language.
• Going from feelings to up to words.

Consider the surface structure of a statement from your friend:

“A hot girl flirted with me last night.”

It may seem silly, but think of everything he chose not to include in that statement:

• Hot: How hot (8, 9, 10)? Compared to who? What specifically makes her hot?
• Girl: What’s her name? How old is she? Where does she live?
• Flirted: How? Eye contact? Touching? For how long?
• Last night: What time? Where? Early or late? What did it lead to?

Asking these specific questions is using the meta model. We’re asking questions to try and align the your friend’s internal representation (deep structure) with the language (surface structure) to describe it. This is why using the Meta Model is important for things like therapy and sales, where you’re trying to help your subject discover what the real issue is, and voice it.

Note that, if your friend represented all of this information in their Surface Structure from the get go, it would sound insane. People don’t talk like that.

They talk like your friend does, because your brain does all of this for him. Our brain twists, excludes, infers and extrapolates things from the structure according to our own internal representation of the world.

For instance, If my friend said “A hot girl flirted with me last night,” I would imagine a brunette wearing jeans with big earrings and decent boobs. They’re playing pool in a bar. You probably imagined something completely different, but understood him just as well.

Do you see what just happened?

I imagined a girl that was the perfect amount of hot to me… Acting in a way that I find flirtatious… In a setting, time and place I can imagine being in.

We create our own deep structure. Conversational hypnosis is simply using vague, non-specific language that makes use of this. We do that using…

The Milton Model:

• Moving from Surface Structure to Deep Structure.
• Using vague, non-specific language to cause specific internal representations.
• Going from words down to feelings.

Here’s where this really gets going. What if your brain filled in the information… for a command?

Once your subject believes you’re speaking directly to them (rapport - covered later), they’ll start using their specific unconscious thoughts and feelings to color the vague statements that you’re making. They’ll be wide open to suggestion, if they feel like it’s their idea.

Note: Vagueness is important. You need your subject to be able to create their own perfect picture of what you’re saying. If my friend had filled in the missing details in his previous statement and said: I bought a drink for a blonde HB7 at a frat mixer… my brain doesn’t get to run wild. Best case, you limit your subjects imagination (my brunette with decent boobs would’ve been better!). Worst case, you turn them off completely (I hate frat mixers!).

Whatever they imagine for themselves will always be more vivid, more real and more emotional than you could ever conjure up for them. Your subjects emotions will always be more powerful than your words.

Conversational Compliance - example:

So here’s the Milton Model at work. You’re at a bar talking with a girl and things are going well. Consider this statement:

“If you’re looking to have fun tonight, then you should come to the next bar with me because everyone say it’s great.”

First, notice how her unconscious mind fills in its own deep structure and hangs it on the surface structure:

• Fun: She was looking to dance tonight…
• Next bar: She doesn’t like the lighting here and the next one might be brighter…
• Everyone: If everyone likes it, so it must be great…

These are details you had no way of knowing, she had no intention of telling you, and packed with emotions you simply can’t create.

Second, notice that it’s stated as a command: Come to the next bar with me. You are NOT asking questions here. You want to slip through their conscious mind into the unconscious. You don’t want them thinking, you want them nodding.

Regular readers of TRP will know that voice tonality and confidence matter here. Do not get into the terrible habit of inflecting your voice at the end of every sentence like it’s a question. You’re in control. You have the perfect bar for them that’s the perfect amount of fun…

Third, if she feels positively towards you (rapport - next section) and there’s some chance she’d actually go to the next bar with you, she’ll let her cognitive biases run wild to connect the dots and give her reasons to do so. Let’s break this down:

The actually part is important. You cannot make someone do something that’s not congruent with who they are. The usual example is shooting somebody, but for us it would mean - if she actually doesn't want to sleep with you... she's not going to.

Regular readers of TRP will know that this applies to Last Minute Resistance. Often LMR is just cognitive dissonance - an exercise in ego protection on the part of the girl. It's very easy to use what you're learning here to disarm her and allow her to move forward in a way that's congruent with who she is.

ANYWAYS - If it’s stated as a command, in a way that’s confidently leading, with the established rapport, and a congruent reality for her………. Look at the blatant confirmation bias involved in what she read into your statements. She’s literally altering her reality to see what she wants to see, and what she wants to see is what you want her to see.

When she tells her friend she is going to leave, she will tell her that you and she are going dancing at a hot new bar with better lighting. She can’t wait to see how great the dancing is. It must be great, because it’s fun.

Next section:

In the next section I will leave theory behind and cover -

Rapport: What it is and how to get it quickly

And later:

Language patterns: putting this all together.

Resource dump:

There was an outcry for reading materials when I originally post this. I'll also put this in the comments of part 2.

Influence - Robert Cialdini: He's the Godfather. This is a must-read as a lot of this stuff is in there.

NLP for Dummies - I actually think this book is pretty amazing. It's written to be used in therapuetic sessions, but has multiple chapters covering the above.

An amazing, must-read article by a guy doing Evolutionary Game Theory about how our reality is just a construct for each and every one of us.

Rewire - a self-help book that delves into tons of applicable stuff. How we create our own paradigms, filter our reality through them to protect ourselves, and how our minute-to-minute emotions guide literally everything about us. Must-read.

Startup Chat - Episode 93: Steli and Hiten have a great business podcast that's a must listen. Steli is a trained NLP practitioner and gives a great overview here. 30 minutes well worth it.

Brain Software Podcast - I fucking love this podcast. I recently binged every episode. Go through and pick and choose episodes based on their titles and give it a try. Mike and Chris have great chemistry.

Just about any salesbook. Sales is about influence - getting someone to do what you want. If you're looking for ones that specifically have to do with how humans are irrational - I would try books that Sandler Selling puts out. A lot of what's in there is just folksy wisdom that's actually scientifically backed hypnosis techniques.

This course on conversational hypnosis on Udemy is fantastic. If you find a coupon code, it's like $12 or something. I just looked and it was $200, which seems outrageous. Bookmark it and check later. I am not this person.