How can I be less self-conscious and stop having anxiety? How can I start having more confidence

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StingrayRaider · 2022-07-24T22:16:09+00:00

Buy the book “You can’t afford the luxury of a negative thought”

Someone on this sub recommended it and it helps a ton with anxiety.

Don’t know what to say about your home life… but focus on school and on getting a high paying job. This will give you freedom.

For now hit the gym. Will boost your confidence and kill anxiety.

terholan · 2022-07-24T22:46:52+00:00

Your mother has clearly negative influence on you, so the best you can do is to move out. You need to put yourself in environment of positive feedback loop. You also need social literacy if you want to succeed with your peers. My prescription for you will be to move out from your parents home and live separately.

So how can you do it and what are the options? First, I recommend to move into different city, at 21 you might not have income for separate 1BR apartment or even studio, but you might have enough to rent room in apartment. It might be even more beneficial because it will put you in position to socialize and make friends. So, the question is about your finances: do you work? Can you find a job in new city? I am recommending to move to different city only because it removes possibility for your overprotective mom to come for you. Also, keep in mind you won't be able to take her car. Look at place to live next to work and where you can live without car. You will have to figure out your transportation logistics. However, don't wait until you can have your own car, the longer you wait the more you rot inside. Don't make excuses or you will be regretting for the wasted time later.

What to do when you move? Honestly, anything. Work, make friends, study hobbies and social skills. Definitely hit gym.

Put yourself first and make decisions that benefits you and not your mother. She does not live your life. And don't feel sorry for her, you must build your life and not accommodate hers.

You are not alone in this situations, you need a little push, a motivation to move out and live for yourself. I know people who did exactly this, it's not easy and it sucks at first but people break through.

And realize cold hard truth: people will condemn and criticize you when they can't get what they want from you. Expect this, because this is normal and not indicator of you doing something wrong.

FutureSelfDistorted · 2022-07-25T07:03:00+00:00

OK OP, I got called out for being an asshole. Fair enough, I was.

How can I be less self-conscious and stop having anxiety? How can I start having more confidence

Sidebar, lift. This is the go to answer. Some people here don't seem to like that answer, but since you don't mention any of the reading you've done up to now, or your exercise routine, diet, sleep schedule etc, "sidebar and lift" has to be my default answer.

But to be more specific, start with "No More Mr Nice Guy" and Athol Kay's book "Mindful Atrraction Plan." (This last one is focused on guys in LTR's, but it has solid steps to take for anyone trying to improve themself). I recommend watching Rian Stone's sidebar series too, so you can avoid some of the pitfalls. Do the work, and remember that this is a long process and your progress will not be linear...

Except when you start lifting - run a novice linear progression like Stronglifts or Staring Strength. Don't milk it for too long though. Once your lifts start to stall just move on to something that will make you look like you lift - a "powerbuilding" or strength-hypertrophy program.

Hi everyone, i'm a 21 year old guy living at home with his parents and I've been having self conscious thoughts and feeling anxious and would like to learn how I can have more confidence and stop the self consciousness and just stop giving a fuck.

Getting your own place and your own car will help with that, but if that isn't financially viable atm you need to work on your finances.

You don't mention what you do for a living, but obviously get a job if you don't have one, and try to find a side hustle.

My mom is overprotective and it's honestly gotten worse these past couple years since the pandemic hit so I don't really get a lot of freedom and independence at home and she won't really let me take the car out alone yet and she wants me to drive with her for a lot more times before I take it out alone, but ive been driving with her in the car for a while now at this point.

Have you tried talking to her about this? Parents can be a nightmare to talk to. There are grown ass men who remain perpetually stuck in the parent-child dynamic. Learn to be assertive. The responsibility is on you to cultivate an adult-adult dynamic. Reading "When I say No I feel Guilty" should help with this.

until I finally get the car on my own.

No. The responsibility is on you to find a way of assertively communicating your needs. Your mother may spontaneously decide you're ready to drive alone but she may not.

edit: fat fingered "post" before I was done.

But I guess this has developed into me having less confidence and being more self conscious. Everytime I go out, it has to be with a parent since my mom won't let me take the car out alone just yet,

Again, you need to start thinking about moving out and getting your own vehicle, but I won't harp on that point.

so I have gotten self conscious thoughts such as worrying about what others think about me since Im a grown man and still go out with my mom, and don't go out alone.

Back to my point from my original comment. Nobody gives a shit about you and your problems (except your family and very close friends, if you're lucky - and those people won't be judging you).

Internalise this and you won't give a fuck. It will give you a sense of positive nihilism in your orientation towards strangers and casual acquaintances, and take the weight off of you. That's what I found anyway - ymmv.

Another example is that since a lot of people on the road don't drive with their parents, I'm basically the only one, I just have a thought that I'll see someone that I know and they see me driving with my mom and judge me for it.

That's the same issue restated really.

I guess the good thing is that I save a lot of money at home, and I don't get in college debt;

At what cost?

but I can't help but think that I've missed out on a lot of fun and meaningful experiences that could've turned me into a more successful and improved version of myself that I would've liked .

You have, but you're still young. get out there mate!

Before, I used to live at a dorm in college as a freshman before the pandemic hit. At this time, I got a girlfriend for a couple months but then afterwards broke it off. I had more experiences with hooking up with a couple girls from tinder living at a dorm, and experiencing the freedom and independence that I've never had before.

Are you still at college? Can you go back to dorm living? Sounds like it was good for you.

Not only that, but my relationship with my family and my mother has improved a lot during this time as well. I felt good, a lot better mentally than I do right now.

You went back to a codependent overprotective mother ( don't get bitter with her, she can't help it). Of course you're in a worse state now. Again, start cultivating an adult dynamic with your parents through assertive communication ,and reclaim your independence by working in your finances and moving out of their house.

I haven't had sex ever since so it's been about 2-3 years. I look at a lot of other people my age and even younger than me have a lot of freedom and able to go out and stay out late doing whatever and driving on their own; Just me constantly having to do stuff and always go out with my mom instead of by myself just made me a lot less motivated to just go outside in general since I always have to go out with her.

That'll happen. Again, I dont know if you're still at college, or have a job. What do you do to socialise. Do you do BJJ or boxing? Find some hobbies that have a social aspect. Stop focusing on what you lack (sex, transport, indepence), and start building a social life again.

I talked to her about it and she says things like shes gotta make sure everything is perfect before I take the car out, but I've been driving perfectly fine, and tbh, having her in the car distracts me a lot sometimes.

Did you talk like an adult or whine like a child?

How can I get rid of these self conscious thoughts though?

By taking action. Mindful focused action.

And how can I just have more confidence throughout any situation such as these situations? Because i just don't want people to see me too much as a spoiled mamas boy who can't take care of himself

By committing to the process. Do the work and don't expect instant results and linear progress.

_thechinaman_ · 2022-07-25T03:18:40+00:00

The situation is multifaceted: neurological, hormonal, psychological (beliefs), nutritional, financial, more.

As someone who's entire past was defined by deep and painful neurosis, this is the most significant prescription I can give you:

Fear and anxiety, fight or flight response, are regulated by the amygdala. Meditation literally shrinks your amygdala overtime, diminishing the hijacking ability of the amygdala over the neocortex, which is where your proactive sense of self and willpower come from. Meditation strengthens your neocortex and diminishes your amygdala which is the neurological analog to your self consciousness.

Going to the gym is great and you should eventually be drawn towards building your body, but do not use anything as an escape from the dominance of your amygdala over your neocortex.

I promise you once you meditate enough, and develop the capacity to shut off your brain, your life will actually change. I know because I have this ability now after years of endless nights of thinking until I would pass out, endless ruminations and so on.

I could go on so much longer about many other aspects of life that are contributing to neurosis (my diagnosis) but I know that meditation, 20 minutes or more daily, is going to make the most profound difference. Learn about presence.

Sumsar01 · 2022-07-25T06:41:55+00:00

Move out, life and do hard thing. You feel anxiety and have low self confidence because you are/feel like a looser. You solve your problems by stop being a looser.

2022-07-25T11:48:12+00:00

I got anti anxiety meds worked well for me

FutureSelfDistorted · 2022-07-24T23:22:10+00:00

Jesus christ people need to learn how to format a post to make it reader friendly. I refuse to read your wall of text, so I'm just going to give my best answer for the title question.

First of all, read the sidebar, do the work. Lift, eat right sleep well.

Then realise that NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU, so you don't need to worry about what they think.

JackRedrow · 2022-07-24T23:50:11+00:00

Read "no more mr. Nice guy"

I can't read anything about your farther so i imagine your mother is alone? Honestly i believe she put you in role of the man in her life and you are the replacement of the farther figure.

You will find all necessary details in the book and you'll probably go through a lot of anger. I've grown with my single mom, so i know what I'm talking about.

Honestly you are okay where you are, if I'm right no one had teached you otherwise. Also a point you will learn in the book and sidebar. It's normal to feel lost as a man without guidance in todays society, especially if you grew up without a farther.

So learn about it what you dont know and then work through the basics. - learn, lift, fight. Status and self confidence will come through this road.

boy_named_su · 2022-07-25T00:28:00+00:00

Get blood work done for vitamins, minerals, hormones, inflammatory markers. I bet you five bucks you're off on more than one
Learn to fight
Work on getting a job and getting your own car
Move back to rez

pilot333 · 2022-07-25T00:54:22+00:00

Get strong and make a bunch of money

ahillbilly97 · 2022-07-25T03:15:35+00:00

Workout, meditate, jerk off less.

All these things help with mind body connections and help you feel comfortable in your own body

Second you have an intrusive negative thought recognize that you do and why. Control your thoughts -> control your actions and feelings -> control your life

heeroena · 2022-07-25T03:34:51+00:00

START HERE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4UNwtm-x5o&list=PLXmCJkDEG4Io9e0oqg96jyb4T9Me1sWRW

alwaysbased69 · 2022-07-25T14:40:35+00:00

You need to move out of your parents house asap and get your own car. I know this will sound stupid, but by the time he was 21, Alexander the Great was already well on his way to conquering the world. Obviously nobody expects you to be like him, but the point is that you’re aren’t a boy anymore. You’re a grown man. If he can lead campaigns to dominate the ancient world at your age, why are you still having your mother drive you around?

At the same time, remember that you’re only 21, so you’re still very young. You have nothing but time on your side. Yes, you probably have missed out on a lot of experiences that other people your age have had. It doesn’t matter. You need to start making your new experiences today. Just remember - don’t waste time. There’s nothing wrong with partying and having fun, but one day you will wake up as a 50 year old man. Do you want to be looking back on your life with satisfaction or regret? Now is the time to get yourself ahead.

Start working on a plan. What are your plans for the future? Do you have a college degree? If not, then why? You don’t need a college degree - there’s plenty of blue collar workers who make more money and have a better quality of life than white collar workers, but it wasn’t handed to them. What is your job right now? Are you working towards your future or are you bumming around at some retail job meant for high school kids?

Obviously start lifting weights and getting in shape. You will have much more confidence when you are physically fit.

And for fuck sake don’t let yourself get fixated on any woman. Nothing wrong with getting a girlfriend or fucking a bunch of women or whatever, but never allow a woman to distract you from your goals.

cali323231 · 2022-07-24T23:43:02+00:00

First off. Way to long of a post. Going to tackle the sentence title question.

I’m going through life right now. And what I see has built my confidence is fucking winning.

Going to the gym and increasing my weights? Win. Doing bed in the morining regularly? Win. Studying to reach my career goals? Win. Making Money? Win. Got a bitch’s number and pulled? Win. Dominated in a sport or competition? Win.

Stack those wins. The more you get the more confident you get.

But also grind through the shit when the going gets rough. Just acknowledge your mistakes and see how to improve going forward.

And read sidebar. Something I’m going to do again.

redsugarplacebo · 2022-07-25T02:56:24+00:00

Read Power of Now by Eckhert Tolle which will teach you to get out of your head

python834 · 2022-07-25T01:04:17+00:00

A person your age should be focused on purpose and money. Nearly everyone your age is chasing pussy, and it doesnt take much to get ahead of them. You shouldn’t have zero human interaction, but you also shouldn’t be hanging out with people that often unless you are already rich (in OP’s case, likely not rich). In one week, spend at least 1 day worth (24 hours) purely socializing. Your mother is a negative influence, but you just gotta suck it up because you don’t have leverage.

Sex isnt as important as you think it is once you start having regular sex. Its better to bed 10 women while being a multi millionaire, than bedding 100 women and being broke. The difference is that money is exponential, and women are not. Speaking from experience, i gave up a fantastic college/post college social life in exchange for life changing money by investing my early to mid 20s living with parents and using every penny and time building my businesses (many of which failed). The lessons learned propelled me to become a decamillionaire by age 27, while living at home. Ive since moved out, and having an absolute blast at age 31 while my confident peers who partied their whole life are starting to realize that they dont want to work anymore or they cannot fund the lives of their gfs, but cannot afford to do so.

Confidence is an emotion, just like happiness and sadness. Somedays you’ll feel confident, and somedays not. What you can do is train yourself to behave confident, even when you lack the emotion of it. Stay on your purpose. Pussy will always be available, while money and time is not. Its better to be rich young than rich old.

Conical90 · 2022-07-25T00:08:39+00:00

Completely cut off masturbation, retain your semen for 3months and lift weight. It’s pretty much guaranteed it’s going to fix your issue

Thats_arguable · 2022-07-24T23:51:44+00:00

Obviously this maternal relationship is keeping you severely back. Can you at least try to solo travel to a different country for a few weeks to experience the world and mature a bit?

Most other things I wanted to mention are already suggested by other comments (gym, moving out, etc.).

BannedFromAllReddit · 2022-07-25T05:48:23+00:00

Haha i love how there’s always a guy that comments:

“Read the sidebar!1!!”

“You have one-itus”

lmao.

This guy is 21 and doesn’t need to be treated like a kid, when his very post is about him wanting to not be a kid.

OP, to answer your question, you need to come up with a way to have your mom ease up on you a bit. I get a vibe that it may not be as bad as you’re making it out to be.. but it’s still pretty bad even if it’s half as bad as what you’re saying.

I would bluntly have a conversation with her about freedom and how it’s not normal to have things be the way they are. Talk to your dad and have him vouch for you a little bit as well. Basically you need to be exposed to experiencing the world as a lone wolf, especially since covid stole a lot of that growth opportunity from you during your college years of “freedom”

opentou2021 · 2022-07-24T22:47:04+00:00

Join the military. The army will challenge you and your confidence will soar. If don’t like the war attitude then consider the Coast Guard. You’re saving life not taking them. But it’s a legitimate military organization with a great history. Everyone should consider serving. It’s a moral obligation.

dynospectrum7 · 2022-07-25T01:44:23+00:00

Just keep grinding my guy. Most guys don’t get consistent ass till their 30s.

wowcalmdown · 2022-07-25T03:01:43+00:00

Try Gary Payton strain boi

badgermonkeyIII · 2022-07-25T06:42:53+00:00

Go out and walk, take a bus, ask a friend for a lift or take a taxi. Don't worry about doing these EVERY time. You need to do it at least once.

(And we don't want to hear excuses as to why the bus doesn't go near your house or why the taxi is too expensive or you have no friends nearby.)

Kepe that up for 2 weeks. Report back here every week and let us know how it's going.

Simple. Good luck.

FaP_nebuchadnezzar · 2022-07-25T11:57:22+00:00

By giving up the old story and putting full focus on what you want to be

DarthBroker · 2022-07-25T14:50:18+00:00

Confidence comes from learned experience.

I tend to think about the things I am really good at, and that helps me be confident.

Codfish45 · 2022-07-25T20:19:22+00:00

When ever I feel anxious or nervous I just tell my self I’m excited about whatever’s about to happen

Camjd10 · 2022-07-25T21:37:01+00:00

Get good at something. Confidence in one area translates to confidence in life.

The recommendations about martial arts are good, but I'd add the caveat that you should spar occasionally. Specifically, getting punched in the face and knowing it's not the end of the world is a great experience to overcome.

Read Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius. Stoicism defeats anxiety.

Far_Butterfly3136 · 2022-07-26T05:42:53+00:00

Men used to die in wars at your age. Matter of fact I'm pretty sure they still do.

Set boundaries with everything in your life. Yes, including yourself and your moms.

Edit: "Step up. Insert your coins. Enjoy the ride. <3"

IAmHanta · 2022-07-26T16:59:15+00:00

start meditating daily. if you commit it will change your life

IAmHanta · 2022-07-26T16:59:50+00:00

search up 75 hard and just do it. nothing will give you more confidence than that

PaidRenegade · 2022-07-26T20:15:50+00:00

Can relate on multiple levels. Shy kid who lived at home longer than I wanted to and struggled with socializing. Here’s my advice - hit the gym and get jacked, work on getting some decent pictures of yourself, and get on tinder. You don’t have to be confident at first, as long as you look confident in your pictures then people (hot girls) will assume that you are.

I absolutely clean up with online dating now and it has made me a much more confident person over all. You get invitations to parties and do other fun stuff as well as just getting laid a ton which changes the way that you carry yourself.

For reference these are the pics that I’m using right now: http://imgur.com/a/v3hn0kr. PM me if you have questions

Also you can absolutely ditch the mom to go on a date, you’re a grown man.

heeroena · 2022-07-27T10:28:52+00:00

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLXmCJkDEG4Io9e0oqg96jyb4T9Me1sWRW

MaliciousMack · 2022-08-02T05:34:35+00:00

Confidence is born from achievement. Whether this be a quarterback on the field, an academically achieving student, a skilled carpenter, or whatever you find yourself to have an aptitude for, it is important to strive for excellence in whatever avenue you find yourself in.

Oftentimes I see young men struggle with approaching because they lack achievements that they can take pride in and share with others. They feel like that have nothing interesting to share about themselves (ex. They’re good at gaming, but don’t think others care; YMMV) and as a result aren’t able to talk about their interests, goals, etc. with women they approach.

In your case, I think the dependence on your mother is creating tension, since you have household obligations, combined with a lack of freedom at home. Asserting your independence, by getting a job/career, going to school, moving out, or anything that might work for you goal wise, would be a good place to start improving your confidence.

RabaBeba · 2022-08-11T22:45:19+00:00

Yeah you should. It's not normal for a 21-year old to be this attached to his parents. You should be thinking of a way out.

However there also needs to be a certain disconnect between your surroundings and who you are inside. Meaning you can't let external things define you. You are not a loser in your spirit or soul. There is no intrinsic part of you that has been determined to just be a loser. So you as a mind as a person are disconnected in some sense from your surroundings. You are basically still carrying the childhood modus operandi of being plyable to other people's wishes and not enforcing your will ruthlessly like a man.

Some point in the future what is happening now will be a distant memory and it will have no relation to who you are as a person. So instead of waiting all that time for it to fade you can actively fade your current circumstances and not let it define your personality. Outwardly you have to project that childlike being able to be talked to behave how the parents choose but regardless you should start cultivating that inner will of a man who goes where he desires.

You are 21. You have plenty of time. Regardless you should still aim and start actively firing in that direction. Maybe you are a loser at home but you need to see the next step in your mind. Once you move out and this situation disappears it's done it's over it's a memory of the past.

Money is freedom. So while you maybe have to work some shit job for your independence the goal should be to have a victory lap in your 30's for 10 years. You suffer now either way. Whether you work for your future or not. But the difference is if you actually build something worth while you get to enjoy life later. Where as for the loser there will never be a good part of life.

We all want slightly different things but looking back at what I would have done is move out of town. Which I did but would have done it more and moved even farther and lived in different countries. So can you look back at your situation now from the future and see what you should have done in the present?

Yeah it's a classic case of overprotective mother destroying her son. If you have to remain a good little boy due to finances then there really isn't a solution other than endure. But if you can get finances for independence then that will solve it quick and you can actually start saying what you actually think. Yeah your mother is emasculating you and it's not healthy for your psyche.

Your mother just doesn't seem like a person you can have a reasonable talk with. The way I see it is for her to understand you have to state what you actually feel and the relationship will deteriorate into no contact and then it's up to your mother to change her ways. Does she value her son or her stubborness more? It's a difficult situation because you kinda don't have the agency to enact the change you need.

You can check raisedbynarcissists subreddit that I can't link because reddit is cucked.

CryptoHailMary · 2022-08-31T18:03:15+00:00

It will come with time Fren. When I was your age I was in the same situation but as I got to my 30's those feelings went away. Keep working on yourself. If you're having a bad day and have nothing to do clean your room or help the old guy down the street by giving them a hand. Workout, if you are out of shape start with going for a walk. Learn a trade, sign up for classes at the community college or go back to the university. Success is one small victory at a time and in my experience it really does take time.

Also don't judge your worth by a women or how long its been since you got laid. We all go through dry spells. Put in the work and when you least expect it you will realize it is all behind you.

Title	How can I be less self-conscious and stop having anxiety? How can I start having more confidence
Author	aznburn
Upvotes	82
Comments	53
Date	July 24, 2022 10:05 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/w77bfx/how_can_i_be_less_selfconscious_and_stop_having/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/how-can-i-be-less-self-conscious-and-stop-having.1124970 https://theredarchive.com/post/1124970

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