Note: This is a draft from my upcoming book so I am looking for criticisms, stories I could add, real world examples, etc.

The alpha male is dominant, which simply means he gives the orders and does not take orders. Dominance is only a question of who gives the orders – you can have more money than a woman, be smarter than her, taller than her, etc.., but if she successfully gives you orders more than you give her orders, she is dominant, not you.

As discussed earlier, women have a deep, subconscious drive to want to be dominated by the alpha male, because being dominated allows the woman to enter the alpha male’s world and enjoy a superior emotional experience. If the alpha male is a good leader, the woman feels safe, protected, and like she can offload the risks and responsibilities of the adventure onto the alpha male. Imagine you were in a burning building and a firefighter showed up to help lead you out of the building – you would listen to everything the firefighter said because you would be afraid that if you disobeyed his commands you would get swallowed by the fire. In the same way, women subconsciously feel like if the alpha male is not in charge, she must face the unknown and the threats therein on her own.

Women also want to obey the alpha male because he is the most competent and fearless member of the tribe, so listening to him will cause them to have more fun. If you like basketball and had the opportunity to be coached by Michael Jordan, you would let Jordan tell you what to do because you knew that following his orders would make you a better basketball player. For the same reason, women feel an impulse to follow the alpha’s commands. With you in charge, she is assured she is pursuing the best purpose, the “team” (you and her) will succeed, and the tribe will not judge her or reject her for what she is doing.

Women also want to be dominated because women subconsciously have a desire to make the alpha male happy. Women subconsciously feel like if the alpha male is doing whatever he wants and not taking orders from her, he is more likely to accept her into the tribe. In a weird way, the more random and arbitrary the alpha male acts, the more safe and secure women feel in their acceptance.

Dominance does not mean you get to be mean, pushy, abusive, annoying, or overbearing. Women do not want to be dominated by a guy who makes their emotional experience worse. If you re a loser eating Cheetos and watching Friends reruns, no woman will want to take orders from her. If you are making her do things which make her feel bad, or if your emotional experience is boring, corny, or shitty for whatever reason, women would rather leave your tribe and face the unknown on their own. As just like woman have a powerful desire to be dominated by the alpha male, they have just as strong a desire to NOT be dominated by men they do not perceive as the alpha male. Giving yourself completely to a man makes you weak and vulnerable, so the last thing evolution wants is for a woman to completely place her fate in the hands of a weak, indecisive, beta male.

Women, therefore, only want to follow a man’s orders after she has emotionally invested in him as the alpha male. And a woman will only emotionally invest in a man as the alpha male after she has tested his emotional experience to ensure it is fun, safe, and reliable. You cannot walk up to a woman in a bar you do not know and put a BDSM collar on her; she needs to buy into your emotional experience first. If a woman is sucking your dick in the bedroom, and you say “turn around and let me fuck you from behind you little slut,” she will get turned on. But if you say that to a cashier at Whole Foods you just met, she will call the police.

Establishing dominance, therefore, requires patience because you can and should only give a woman orders after she WANTS to take orders from you. This takes time – before you can give a woman a command, you must wait until she has emotionally invested in you enough to want to follow that command. As she slowly emotionally invests, you give her bigger and bigger orders. For example, if you approach a woman in a bar you cannot immediately say “let’s go back to my apartment” – she is not emotionally invested enough in you to leave with you yet. Instead, when you approach you have a nice conversation, and then when you sense she is emotionally invested enough in the conversation, you can say “hey let’s walk over here where it is less loud.” Bam! You have now given her a command that she has followed. Later, when the woman emotionally invests in you enough to want to go to a different venue with you, you can say “let’s go to this other bar across the street.” Bam! She has now followed another command! Every time you give her a command and she follows it, she grows more emotionally invested (bonus points if following your command causes something fun and positive to happen). You keep this cycle going until the commands become more serious, all the way until you are instructing her about sex positions.

There is, however, a balance here. Women will resist following your commands at first as they shit test you to determine if your emotional experience is worth joining. But the moment the woman has emotionally invested enough to want to take orders from you, you must quickly capitalize and be firm, assertive, and confident. If a woman makes clear she wants you to lead her, and you bullshit on taking the lead, she will lose attraction and go elsewhere.

If you are clever, you can get a woman to emotionally invest in you more quickly by giving her small little orders she does not even notice. For example, you can say things like “hey can you hold my a drink for a second while I check my phone?” or “hey can you grab me a beer from the fridge?” So long as her rational mind does not notice you are “giving her orders” she will comply and subconsciously emotionally invest in a tiny bit. You can also give these kinds of micro-orders in a conversation. If a woman is telling you about how she bakes a cookie, you can say “oh, cool, what’s your recipe?” If she tells you the recipe, she has followed a command you have given her.

You must also maintain dominance in conversations. You must lead the conversation, choose the topics, and changing the subject when it gets boring, stupid, or otherwise uninteresting. You should also avoid agreeing with everything she says. And of course, you should also refuse to comply with commands related to conversation as well. For example, if you are an accountant and a woman asks you for accounting advice before she has done anything to deserve it, your answer should be “no.”

The key to dominance is consent. On a conscious, rational level, nobody wants to be told what to do. Women especially hate being controlled because every beautiful woman has had some corny, boring, insecure guy ruin her emotional experience by keeping her from doing fun things she enjoyed doing. When beautiful women dump their boyfriends, they often complain that he was controlling, possessive, and cramped their emotional experience.

Womens’ desire for domination exists on a subconscious level, so your domination of her must happen subtly, subconsciously, and smoothly in the natural flow of the interaction. In other words, you must give orders without looking like you are trying to give orders. You do not establish dominance by yelling “I make the rules in this house bitch!!” or by forcing your dominance on women. You establish dominance by creating a fun emotional experience, enjoying that emotional experience, and then slowly allowing women to enter that emotional experience after they emotionally invest in you by doing things for you. A woman should never feel like you are trying to tell her what to do – if anything, women should feel like you are reluctant to allow her into your world and give her orders. Like everything you provide, your dominance is a gift and she must feel like she must work to obtain it.

For example, if a woman asks my advice on something, I sometimes say “I don’t like to tell women what to do, but what I would do is…” or if a woman asks what we are doing I say, “I’m gonna go to Jimmy’s, you can come if you want.” Womens’ acceptance of my dominance is purely voluntary, and they can get off the train at any time. And when women know they are free to leave whenever they want, they are more likely to want to join.

Men have a natural desire to be the alpha and dominate, and often get impatient and give orders too soon, before the woman has emotionally invested enough. For example, I once saw a guy text a woman before a first date: “Wear a cute, slutty dress to our date” and the woman replied “I will wear whatever the fuck I want.” The guy made a rookie mistake – he tried to give her orders before she was emotionally invested enough to want to take them. His attempt at giving orders was also too obvious and visible to her rational mind, so her red flags went up. You must be careful because women are much more attuned to power games than men are, and usually notice when you are trying to establish dominance before they are ready.

You should also be careful about telling women how to live their lives. If a woman is a communist, majors in left-handed puppetry, smokes cigarettes, or tries to cure her cancer with patchouli oil, telling her she is making bad life choices will not get her to change her behavior. Women often subconsciously interpret friendly, reasonable advice as an attempt to control her and violently resist if they have not emotionally invested in the man giving the advice (and think about it – a woman needs to emotionally invest in you A LOT to make major life decisions like stop smoking or being a communist because of you). Unless the stupid thing she is doing is small and easily fixable, just nod and smile as she tells you how she is ruining your life.

Most men cannot resist telling women what to do and how to live their life. Telling a woman what to do before she has emotionally invested is a beta because it subconsciously feels like you are taking responsibility for fixing her life before she deserves it. If you can refrain from giving into your impulse to tell her what to do and trying to “fix” her, you will stand out as different from other men. I have even seen women act surprised when they said something shocking about themselves and I did not act judgmental or preachy.

Some people might think that worrying about dominance and who is in “charge” in social interactions is over-thinking. I disagree. Women are constantly subconsciously testing your domination and playing power games, and if you are not aware of these games, you will slowly and imperceptibly fall into her frame. Most men have no idea women are playing power games and just comply with womens’ requests to “make her happy,” which ends up relegating them to the beta position in the relationship.

Dominance and Shit Tests

The appear dominant, you must say “no” to her at least once or twice in the interaction. If a woman does not know you, she usually starts with the assumption that you are beta, so you must go out of your way to say no so her subconscious mind knows you give orders and do not take orders. You should say no even if she is not asking you to do anything. You do not need to say “no” in a dramatic or douchey way – in fact, you can say “no” as a joke to something completely silly and unimportant. For example, if the woman says “wow, you are amazing at karaoke, you should go on American Idol!” you can respond “No, definitely not! I need a record deal first.” Even very light, silly nos will solidify the distance of power in your relationship.

To remain dominant, you do not need to say “no” to every single thing she asks of you. You can, and should, say yes every once in a while. Dominance is a feeling, not a strict rule, and that feeling should be “the guy is generally in charge of this relationship.” In a normal, healthy relationship, both parties sometimes tell each other what to do, and if you say “no” to every single thing she asks you to do her rational mind will make look like an insecure lunatic.

Before women submit to your dominance, they will often shit test you to determine if your frame is strong. A common power shit test is a power battle, where she will try to give you orders and resist taking your orders. If you obey her orders, you fail. But you must be careful to say “no” in a way that does not make it look like you are petulant child. Remember, this game exists purely on the level of the subconscious – you do not want her to consciously think you are battling her for your position as the alpha.

When determining whether to comply with a woman’s demands, I use the following rules:

First, if she asks for something reasonable that she has done something to deserve (i.e., she has followed my commands in the past), then I will just do it for her. For example, if I ask her to hang out and she asks me to pick her up, I will pick her up because I am picking her up to hang out with me. But the moment her demand becomes unreasonable or undeserved, I stop complying. For example, if I have been talking to a woman at a bar for an hour and she asks me to hold her purse while she grabs something out of her purse, I will do it because it would look insane if I announced “I do not hold women’s drinks!! I am the alpha male here!!” But if I am holding her drink and she wanders off to talk to other people, I put her drink down or go give it back to her. Holding her drink for a few seconds while she reaches in her purse is reasonable; holding her drink for 5 minutes while she chats with her friends is not.

Second, if she asks for something clearly absurd she does not deserve, I either ignore her request, laugh it off, or make fun of her for even asking. For example, if we are waiting in line to get into a concert and she says “pay for my ticket” I will look at her and say “I’m going to forget you even asked that.” Not only do I want to say no, I want to say no in a way that makes her not ask again. Women know when they are being unreasonable.

Third, if she asks for something reasonable that she does not quite deserve yet, I politely explain to her why I cannot do it. For example, sometimes I meet women and within a few weeks of knowing each other they ask if they can move in with me or go on an overseas vacation with me. I politely answer, “no, I’m sorry I think it is too early.”

When determining whether to comply with a woman’s request, you must use your common sense and emotional intelligence. If a woman gets hit by a bus and asks you to call the ambulance, you should do so out of a purely moral obligation even if she does not technically “deserve it” from you. If a woman asks you to go get the car for her so she does not have to walk through the snow in high heels, again, you should say yes, even if she does not technically deserve it. You should seem like a normal human being, not a robot obsessed with power. And furthermore, if you are playing the game correctly, you will have built up so many “alpha” points that you can do a few “beta” things and not ruin your frame.

As I explained earlier, women do not like to lead because leadership requires responsibility and creates anxiety. Nevertheless, women sometimes try to take the lead either because they think they are more competent to lead in a certain environment or because they have not emotionally invested in you enough yet. In these situations, instead of fighting over who is in charge, I follow the woman’s leadership but start to drift off every time the interaction begins to get lame. Once she sees that I am drifting off, the anxiety usually becomes overwhelming for her and she hands the leadership back to me. Sometimes if the adventure fails badly enough, I will just say “ok, I’m not listening to you anymore. I am in charge now.” For example, if we are walking around the city on a date and she is leading the way, if we go down a boring street I will make fun of her and then take the lead back from her.

Your biggest weapon in a dominance battle is your ability to leave. If she insists on taking the lead and doing things that make the interaction not fun for you, just pretend you have somewhere better to be. That’s all you need to do. You should use your own judgment regarding when and when not to leave, but generally speaking, a good way to determine whether a woman is emotionally invested in you is to look at how much she wants to follow your orders. Women naturally want to let a man take the lead, so if a woman has gotten to know you but still resists your leadership, she has not emotionally invested in you and sees you as either just a friend or somebody she can get things from.

Saying no to women is hard because you are always taking a chance she will take your “no” badly and leave. This is not a completely irrational fear - some women WILL leave if you do not give them what they want. But think about it – women want to be dominated by a man they find attractive, so if a woman leaves you because you will not do something for her, she likes that thing, not you. And sometimes when you say no a woman will get angry and leave in a huff, and then come back later once she realizes that you are an alpha male who will hold frame and stand his ground.

Sometimes women take your “no” badly and try to argue to make you say yes. A woman might beg, tell you a sob story, insult you (for example, calling you cheap because you will not buy her a drink), explain to you “rationally” why you should cave to their demand (for example, explaining that a gentleman takes a woman to dinner for the first date), or even try to trick you into doing the thing. If a woman keeps pressing you to do something for her, you can politely and firmly tell her why you cannot do it ONE TIME. Afterwards, you should just ignore her and move on. If you sit there and argue with her, you will appear beta because you are fighting for your dominant position.

Sometimes women are damaged and cannot function in a relationship without being in control. These women have usually been dicked over by dominant men, so they now seek men they can dominate to 1) subconsciously get revenge and abuse the men beneath them and 2) feel safe and like the guy will not leave. When dealing with these women you can try to hold frame and become dominant by using the techniques in this section, but generally speaking, I think these women are usually so broken it is not worth trying to fix them. These women usually spend their lives jumping from beta boyfriend to beta boyfriend, occasionally taking a break to cheat with a dominant guy that treats them like shit, and then going back to the beta boyfriend.

Whatever you do, you should not cave and let a woman boss you around even if it seems like that is the only way to her heart. No matter how much a woman thinks she wants to dominate, if you let her dominate, she will either lose interest or treat you like shit or both. “Dominant” women usually end up miserable because the thing they thought they wanted does not make them happy.

My website: http://www.woujo.com