Just finished a ridiculous 7 day holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza. I'm a 22 year old guy from the UK and this was my first ever "lads" holiday.

Night 1:

Let's call her E.

E is a HB9 "shot girl" from a pre bar we went to before the main event, she is the very athletic, light blonde hair, golden skin and fake teeth etc type that probably has like 100k followers on Instagram and a 10% discount for some shit clothing brand.

It's HER job to open me so I'm already half way there, she's trying to get us to buy shots and I'm just teasing her, saying how her sales pitch sucks, much like her uniform etc etc to which she instantly shit tests me.

"Like to see you do a better job sweaty"

(It was literally 32 degrees at like 11pm and I'm used to like 8 degrees so I was dripping)

So I take her shots etc and ask for her heels, walk over to a group of about 10-15 women, all HB4-5 and about 30-40 y/o and start pretending to get my boobs out for a sale (I don't have abs, I'm about 15-20% bf with about 5 months of lifting behind me so I'm not fat/chubby but not like wow) and they love it, rubbing me all over and flirting etc and E comes over and we all have a good time before I tell her it's her turn (I've shown confidence and the ability to actually not be boring whilst wanting to have fun, all with added social status of not being scared of opening lots of women, it's called the cheerleader effect).

She says she's about to go on a break, but asks me where I am later and gives me her number and asks me to text her around 4am when she's finished.

The nights in Ibiza don't close until 7am so that's early. I forgot to text her, I was having such a great time with my best mate that she wasn't even on my mind, to her distraught when she finds me around 4:45am dancing away with a group of 9 girls we'd met inside about 30 seconds before (but she doesn't have to know that).

She grabs my hand and asks me if I still "want to see her tonight" to which I simply smirk and pretend to go in for a kiss and instead whisper "shhhhhh" as I put my finger on her mouth and start dancing again. (Her hamster has started running fast, am I pretty? Does he like me? Have a made myself look like an idiot for nothing?!)

After that gents, it was game over and E was like putty in my hands. I don't even think we spoke after that, just danced, kissed, fucked each other's eyes for a bit and then it was straight back to mine around 6am and you know the rest, she was the finger in my bum type though and I still don't know how I feel about that. Any other opinions?

Night 2

Met these 3 army lads and we went to the biggest night we were there for, didn't even try and pull, just had a fucking laugh.

Night 3

The strip.

Decided to embrace the lads holiday culture and have a night on the strip.

Met these 2 girls who were also in our hotel, instant connection, instant logistics, instant excuse to go back together. You have to be literally fucking retarded to not get laid in Ibiza with those logistics.

Now I'm not a seasoned pro and the girl I fucked definitely gave me LMR with the whole "it's my first night, I want to see what's happening" sort of vibe, all you gotta do with that is BE THE BEST THING about her first night. I'm not saying impress her, I'm saying when she's in your company it's a quality experience that adds value to the night, so when you go and flirt with other girls/get a drink/do whatever she has to be having a LESS THAN IDEAL time without you, so she associates fun with you.

5:30am comes along and they both say they're hungry and a quick "is your hotel room better than ours" comment later and I'm in their room, my best mates in our room and that's a full house for us tonight.

Night 4

33 y/o N (the best I've ever had)

N is a HB8-9 33 year old HR consultant, blonde, golden skin, blue eyes, huge tits, shit ass though and she's been in a LTR for 5 years with a guy who is actually pretty well dressed, groomed and seems to be a decent bloke, but I don't give a fuck about that, it's my turn now.

Me and my best friend are sat by the swimming pool around 9pm having some drinks after dinner when N and S (another 33 y/o, maybe a HB7, 4ft 11, ginger with a great body and nice teeth but has definitely aged, who's has her own bubble football business) sit within metres of us, instantly I shout over to them.

"Someone's keen, you might as well have just sat on our laps"

Short, simple, cheeky.

After 5-10 minutes of openly flirting they both do the boyfriend thing, at almost exactly the same time. Now my best mate fucks up here (I think?!) and thoroughly addresses the boyfriend thing, hence why I know SO MUCH about the bloke.

I then tell N I have 7 girlfriends and start reeling off these well known celebrities and she laughs and that's the last I speak about anything based in the UK. I do this to keep her mind occupied on the emotion of the night rather than her life.

They both announce they are going to see David Guetta at the same place as us and they wanna share a taxi with us etc. We are all pretty fucked up in Pasha and a lot of grinding, touching and feeling is happening because it's so busy (great excuse for them with plausible deniability etc) and myself and N get separated from S and my best mate. (Turns out later on this was actually planned from them)

As soon as we are separated N asks to go outside to get some air and try and find them to which I oblige and then she just starts kissing me. 10 minutes later and we are in this secluded little bay thing and I'm fucking this 33 year old woman who's had a boyfriend for 5 years on the beach listening to David Guetta (the smallest amount of kino on the walk the bay but she practically undressed us both) and I remember in that moment, almost hating myself for not finding TRP sooner. I dreamt of this shit and it was actually happening to me through calculated decisions and not just luck.

We both go in about 45 minutes later (I always take longer to finish when I've had a drink, much to her pleasure though) and we find S and my best friend at the bar, sand coming out of our ears they both just laugh and again, 6am rolls by and I'm in one room, he's in the other and that's 4 bangs in 4 days with 3 girls, decent.

Night 5

Not a lot happens, think I was tired but just wasn't on my game, got rejected a few times and a few numbers but nothing substantial to report.

Day 6

Ocean Beach Ibiza, the best day venue in Ibiza and we are met by no other than N and S again, we all chip in equally for a table (€1000) so €250 each with a drinks package that lasts all day, we have people coming and going from our table so I flirting with near on 100 girls throughout the day which is great and sends N wild. I get in the pool with N and she's playing with me, I'm playing her and then €10 later to the toilet guy and I'm fucking her in the toilets (classy I know but fuck I was horny).

Night 6

Quick change around after Ocean Beach and onto the final night at Cafe Mambo to see Radio 1.

Group of 5-6 self entitled bitches, the type that have a face like a smacked arse 24/7 because they get hit on SO MUCH and life's so hard to get that perfect Snapchat Story, but wouldn't kick out of bed for a fart cos I'd rather smell it.

I see this Austrian girl, maybe 6ft/5ft11 look over twice at me and instantly go over and ask her why she's staring at me, these girls are like a pack of wolves trying to rip me open limb from limb to crack my frame and show how weak I am.

Not gunna lie I was fucking shitting myself, this was the pinnacle for me, all that theory, all that practice and here I am, alone trying to open this Austrian beauty whilst her 5 HB8-9 friends shit test me in the process.

I'm getting "who the fuck are you' "go away" "are you serious" "hahahahahaha" "who is he??" And I'm focused.

I tell the prettiest of the girls if I can use her as a demonstration (I gauged she was the mother hen and just held my eye contact and kept a slight smirk throughout the whole process), she agrees.

Instantly I'm like a puppet master, touching all these girls to "get them into place" as I reenact what happened, about 5 minutes of my little reenactment goes by, I'm getting pretty OTT about it all and we are all just having a laugh before I realise the shit tests have gone, I'm part of their group. They are laughing, telling A (the Austrian) that she was TOTALLY giving me the eye and I ask if she wants to come to the beach to dance with me to apologise for staring at me like a piece of meat.

LOGISTICS LOGISTICS LOGISTICS

10 minutes later, who cock blocks me?! MY BEST FRIEND.

I totally forgot about him, so I had to bring to to the girls and I just said "be nice" and went back to dancing. Especially with the top tier girls, this was a lucky escape, even the smallest and most trivial thing can ruin you in seconds.

Sure enough 3am rolls by and I'm catching my flight in the morning and A has "had enough too" and I tell her my hotel is on the beach and you should see the view etc and again gents, you know the drill.

First field report, criticism welcome and any questions about the report feel free to ask.