...if you hate things like sex, money, and being free to live you life in a way that isn't centered around avoiding having half of your assets yanked out from under you and then being contractually forced to pay a woman to do literally nothing for the rest of her life.

Marriage = contractual slavery. Sounds harsh or a bit hyperbolic? Okay.

1.) Sex? Nope. Your fucking days are done.

I won't rehash Briffault's Law except to say that you have sex more often when you're single. Do not get married for sex - that is a lie that women perpetuate.

2.) Like having a positive net worth? Well, kiss that shit goodbye.

When you get married, half of your assets become hers. I don't say that half of her assets become yours, mostly because most women don't have assets, but also because she will get your shit in the divorce. That's right. She can come with nothing and leave with half of your stuff. Worse, you could be forced to pay her monthly because she didn't do shit with her life and now cant fend for herself in the real world. What type of contract is that? One in which the man gets boned, that's what type. Do men get alimony? Take a guess.

Edit: I also failed to mention that you get to keep her debt in the divorce! Hurrah for marriage!

No wonder most divorces are initiated by women. Tricksy hobbitses.

3.) Hey, you're a pretty good dad, but you aren't getting custody. Enjoy those paid visitation rights.

This is a two part whammy. What does juggling and being the best dad in the world have in common? They don't mean fuckall in a courtroom.

Despite the fact that mothers abuse their children more than fathers the legal system awards them custody almost 75% of the time because of the constantly reinforced (and bullshit) message that mothers are, by default, better parents. The best part about this arrangement is that the father now has to pay his ex-wife for the privilege of seeing his kids on weekends and holidays. Bet your ass when those kids misbehave the mother is going to put it on you to fix.

When the father is awarded custody, do the mothers pay child support? Want a clue, or do you see where this is going?

4.) She divorced you, took the kids and half of your paycheck. You think you're done with her? Nope, the crazy sticks forever.

Ready to move on with your life and see other people. Awesome. Good on you. Too bad your ex-wife doesn't approve of your new girlfriend. Sure, she says its because "she doesn't want some tramp around her kids" (notice how she said "her kids?")

We know what it really is though. She's divorced you, but she will not tolerate you being happy with someone else. She will use whatever tool she has to keep you from moving on. She will constantly call. She will "just stop by". She will show up to places you frequent, often in the company of other men. She will feign interest in you again (and she will even believe it herself). Worst of all - she will use your kids as a tool to eat up your time.

Seriously, do not get married.1

1 Really. Shit is always a trap. There is literally nothing you can gain with marriage that you cant get through other means.