This was about a year and a half ago when this story takes place.

Me- 23 working a c.s. job

there for 2 months until they hired this girl - we'll call her "Ash."

Having already been there for 2 months I felt pretty comfortable with the job and just stuck to my work. People come and go; that's the revolving door of these sorts of jobs. I didn't put too much attention into the people I worked with.

First time I met Ash I paid her no mind. I showed no behavior that might be misconstrued as interest, to the extent that my behavior could've even been perceived as far as disdain.

Weeks go by and in working with her I would begin to notice certain things that I like about her. She ends up having a really solid sense of humor and decent taste in music/art. We would be able to joke around effortlessly and it actually became enjoyable to be around her. I would never indicate that to her though. For all she knew I was indifferent to all of it - and I was to a certain extent.

Note #1: At the time all this was happening I was attending an 8 month "self-development" course that required me to have a lot of conversations about things in my life that were not quite where I wanted them to be. Just stick with me here.

I leave town for the weekend to go something associated with this course. During this weekend I receive coaching around relationships. I explain to this "coach" that I have this habit of getting hung up on women that I meet, romanticizing them, but then not acknowledging it and ultimately feeling alone and unfulfilled.

The coach responded by asking me if I'm doing that with anyone in my life currently. I tell her yes - this girl, Ash.

The advice I was given was to call her and tell her all of this. I say no... that's a really dumb fucking idea.

That night I'm sitting outside my hotel room door with Ash's number cued up - ready to dial.

After a lot of deliberation, I call. I tell her that I haven't been honest and I've been acting one way, when in reality I feel another way. She thanks me for my honesty and we end the call.

Easy enough. Maybe things were getting better. I certainly felt better; like I had overcome some long term fear.

After this phone call I see her at work, but things feel a bit different. Her niceness turns more to flirtatiousness. This gets heightened as the weeks role on.

I wasn't sure how to read what was going on, so I ask her to meet me somewhere. We talk about all this shit going on and then she asked me very directly what it is that I wanted from her. I tell her that I wanted to date her.

Note #2: Ash was in a 3 year relationship at this point.

She tells me she's going to marry her boyfriend so I should stop thinking about her. I tell her that's fine - meaning it, and then we both leave soon after that.

Around this time I started losing my guard, and began showing signs of liking her. I would give her compliments and be slightly nervous around her and drop my act at times to lay bare some sort of insecurity in my character. Things just ended up feeling chaotic and confusing and distorted.

I thought that it was fine because at least I was being honest. It can be exhausting having your guard up all the time, and if all I had to do was drop it to potentially find something meaningful, I was willing to do that.

For once in my life I was being completely honest with someone about my interest in them. That, in it of itself, felt like it should be enough. I hoped and believed that honesty would lead me down a path to some sort of truth or real understanding.

Snap cut to: She ends up breaking up with her boyfriend about two weeks before she would leave this job for another job; and about three weeks after she tells me she's going to marry him.

She invites me to a party a few nights later and we end up making out.

I couldn't elevate the game. I couldn't play it smooth. I was in way too deep and had way too much invested. I couldn't just enjoy the moment. My body was paralyzed. betacucksoyboiplzfuckmywifeinfrontofme,etc.

We do that for maybe 20 minutes and then I just end up leaving. I don't drink and I didn't know anyone at the party so I was really just there for her. Then once that was over, I left and she went back to her friends. This may have been a bad move. I could've just stayed and enjoyed the party, meet her friends, etc. I digress.

The next day we worked together and I asked her when that's going to happen again in a slightly joking manner.

She tells me she was drunk and it never should've happened. She says it was something she felt she needed to do because things were too tense between us. She said she didn't want a relationship and wanted to be alone to work on her self and this new job. She tells me we're too different and it would never work if we dated. She said she hopes we can still be friends. She apologizes because she felt like she led me on - knowing full well that I liked her, and taking advantage of that without any inclination towards something long term; which is something she recognized I wanted. She said she only likes it when we fight and doesn't want this complimentary back and forth thing that its escalated to.

Anyways, she gets the other job, leaves our job, and we text back and forth for a bit. She invited me over one other time, but this time; she makes out with me and then tells me she will never talk to me again after this.

I think she knew this would get an affect from me which unfortunately it did. I said something along the lines of "fuck you, etc etc" and left.

A few days go by and I text her apologizing. We start talking a bit. Our texting feels forced.. it takes hours for her to respond.. then days; until one day she tells me that she's sorry for not responding sooner but she has a new boyfriend and didn't want our talking to conflict with that in any way.

She follows that up by telling me that she hopes we can still be friends and she's still interested in the things I'm doing in my life.

I tell her no and then it ends. Nothing further from either of us for a little over a year.

I was in a somewhat neurotic headspace a few weeks ago and ended up telling her I'm moving and to let me know if she breaks up with her boyfriend any time soon. She asked me when I'm moving, I tell her soon, and then it ends with that.

If I'm being completely honest, I still think about her one a regular basis even though two years have gone by since all of this happened. It was such a weird experience that I still to this day don't quite know what to make of it.

I feel that I messed up somewhere. I think it could've been in my acknowledging how much I liked her, or it could have been in showing my insecurities. It could have been in my expectations of what all of this was suppose to lead to instead of just letting it be.

I've talked to a few people about this and some people will say that she just wasn't ready to be in an honest relationship and I shouldn't want to be with someone like that in the first place.

Some people tell me that I was just trying to use her to fulfill some need of validation for myself and she could sense that and didn't want to be used in that capacity.

Some people say all of this is a game and if I decide to not play the game, I am ensuring my own demise.

All in all... I'm glad this happened. It gave me a really intense but quick look into all of the neuroticisms influencing my relationships with other people.

What I still have yet to figure out is where exactly I went wrong and how things could've turned out differently. I'm also trying to figure out how much of the game I should maintain and how honest I should be with someone and where the balance lies.

TLDR - liked a girl, showed her I liked her, she had some interest, then lost interest. cant figure out where things went wrong.