Purpose of relationships have changed

1300s: I'm dying from the Black Plague

1800s: I'm 9 and work in a factory

1900s: I'm off to war

2000s: You hurt my feelings

We live in the best era ever in terms of problems we need to deal with. Other generations had actual problems to worry about. Life or death kind of problems nearly everyday. Look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs:

1.Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep.

2.Safety needs - protection from elements, security, order, law, stability, freedom from fear.

3.Love and belongingness needs - friendship, intimacy, affection and love, - from work group, family, friends, romantic relationships.

4.Esteem needs - achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, self-respect, respect from others.

5.Self-Actualization needs - realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

Now one must satisfy lower level basic needs before progressing on to meet higher level growth needs. Once these needs have been reasonably satisfied, one may be able to reach the highest level called self-actualization.

1 & 2 are met in 99% of people today with little to no effort. For thousands of years this was not the case for humans. They would spend most of their time focusing heavily on needs 1 & 2 and they did not have much time to even worry about the other needs. With 1 & 2 easily met, we have began to focus heavily on our psychological and self-fulfillment needs, which leads us to living in a mental prison inside our own heads.

This is seen with relationships as well. In the past, relationships for men and women were seen as an agreement to help each other with needs 1 & 2 and have children. Men would provide food, shelter, financial needs, protection, stability. Women would take care of the house, kids, cook, and provide sex. A women knowing how to cook actually meant something then. A man and woman would have many more children than we do today because they wanted as much help as possible with the farm and livestock. Sure feelings mattered, but not to the extent they do today. Death was very real back then. It was about surviving.

Today, even if you are poor, do you really need to worry about death? Are you going to starve to death or die from a disease? Probably not. You will most likely sleep on a friends couch or move in with family until you get back on your feet.

In developed countries, we don't spend nearly as much time worrying about Maslow's first two needs (safety,biological/physiological) as previous generations did. That means we place more emphasize on needs 3-5 (love, self-esteem, self-actualization). I believe this definitely contributes to the mental health crisis we are seeing today. Men and women don't need to prioritize biological, physiological, or safety needs like we used to. That means we can focus on love, self-esteem, self-actualization and distance ourselves from the traditional marriage. Emphasizing on these needs is part of the reason why marriage is not what it used to be. Throughout history you would marry the partner who could best help you survive (needs 1,2), not necessarily the one who you "loved" or "cared about" (3,4,5). In 3rd world countries they prioritize needs 1 and 2 much more than the 1st world countries because they need to and that is part of the reason traditional marriage roles have remained in those parts of the world.

For as long as humans have roamed the earth prioritizing love, esteem, and self-actualization is a relatively new concept to us. Think about that for a moment,

The purpose of relationships have changed. It is not just about surviving anymore. It is about attempting to thrive.