So I was perusing Rollo’s newest post at The Rational Male, and one particular point lept out at me: men desire security. This was hardly the overriding theme of the post, so read Rollo’s material yourself, if you like it. This particular minor point just happened to get me thinking, because it applied to me. It still does.

Just like women, men like to feel secure in their relationships. Men like to feel comfortable that they’re not about to be dumped and that they aren’t being cheated on. Obviously, you can never know what somebody’s doing during the many, many hours they’re apart from you, and some people are downright vile when it comes to the opposite sex, so a guy is never 100% certain. But generally, the way a guy makes himself more comfortable about his relationship with a woman is to say and do things that he believes meet her standards, thus minimizing the possibility of rejection, dumping, and infidelity by measuring up to what she wants in a man.

This is true for both masculine, sexually successful, non-loser men, as well as feminized, insecure, needy losers who lucked into their first girlfriend a week ago, at age 32. Both men strongly prefer a woman who remains attracted to them and remains faithful, and strongly prefer to feel secure regarding a woman’s intentions and fidelity. Some might argue that an “alpha” man doesn’t worry about measuring up to a woman’s standards or wants at all, or care what she does or thinks, because he’s attractive and has his abundant choice of women, but that’s silly. Nobody wants to be dumped or cheated on, and while that experience definitely won’t make much of a ripple in an “alpha’s” existence the same way it would cripple a loser man who made his woman the center of his universe, it’s still a troubling little blip in Mr. Alpha’s radar. He failed to maintain the attraction of a woman. Not a huge deal, but in a perfect, ideal world, it’s still something he’d prefer not happen.

The biggest difference between our 32-year-old loser above and an attractive, sexually successful, masculine guy isn’t necessarily how much or how little they care; it’s far more simple. A sexually successful man knows what a woman’s standards actually are. He goes to bed every night, comfortable that he’s measuring up to his woman’s standards, being exactly what she needs in a man, passing all of her shit tests, being her rock in the whirlwind of her life, and fucking her silly in ways she didn’t even know could cause orgasms. He puts forth exactly the right amount of time and effort – not too much, like a loser man would, but not too little. He maintains an extreme level of comfort and satisfaction for a very reasonable investment of time and resources. If this woman still leaves him or cheats, he knows he did all he could.

Our unsuccessful loser man lives in a state of concern. He’s confused by the way his girlfriend says one thing but always seems to mean another, and figures he’ll need to work on his communication, spend more time with her, and get to know her better so he understands her more. He feels at fault for all the times he’s dropped the ball trying to please her. He does what she asks of him, quickly and without fail, every single time, and he’s constantly present, asking her what else she needs of him, and she’s usually very kind and appreciative with her words. This makes him happy. They haven’t had sex yet – she’s been hurt in the past and wants to take things slowly and make sure everything feels right with him – and that’s perfectly okay with him. He’d like to have sex, of course, but he wants her to be comfortable in the fact that he doesn’t just want her for sex, and that sex isn’t a big deal to him. Every night, he lays awake in bed wondering why she didn’t return his latest text, or what she meant the last time she said something not entirely positive. He’s worried she may be thinking of breaking up with him, or worse, maybe even cheating on him, but he’s doing everything he can, all the time. It never feels like enough. He’s making an insane investment of time, energy, and resources, and even when he’s not with her, worries and thoughts about their relationship plague him. And he’s not even having sex with her yet.

If it ever feels like you’re doing and giving too much, and you’re still worried about where you stand with a woman, give less. Interacting with a girlfriend should be easy, fun, relaxing, (and sexual). You should be investing a reasonable amount of time, energy, and resources and receiving an equal or greater return – now, immediately. If you’re ever investing shitpiles of time and resources today, for the mere hope of something good to come in the future, you’ve already failed. When you’re awake at night, worried about the state of your relationship, one of the things you’re worried about (maybe unconsciously) is your investment. What is a relationship, after all, but the sum total of everything you and your significant other have invested in each other? When a conventional investment isn’t giving you any meaningful return, you don’t necessarily have to sell it at a loss right away, but only a frantic investor with no other alternatives and no money to spare doubles down and buys more stock today, banking on a very slight rise in value that may allow him to almost break even.

Not the best metaphor obviously, but take this to heart: your time and energy are MORE valuable than your money. You can make more money, but you’ll never get back the days you waste, hoping a woman will come around and appreciate you. If you’re investing insane amounts of time and energy, and getting nowhere, the answer is to give less, not more.