Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of all of this that really screwed me over for years (decades even), was that women were unwilling to ever sit me down and speak honestly to me about why I wasn't attractive. There were several key moments in my life when, in a moment of secrecy and privacy, I opened myself to someone who really knew who I was and asked them, with the utmost sincerity prepared for the brutal truth, why I wasn't attractive. These women all fed me the same cliches - not the right time, not the right girl, there's nothing wrong with you, continue to be yourself, etc. I mistakenly believed them.

With my RP knowledge, my lack of attractive traits is so blatantly obvious now that I'm still in awe as to how I could so poorly be mislead. These women were not insincere or liars. They were not overtly manipulative or stupid people. It's in my effort to harmonize these paradoxical qualities that I think I stumbled upon a reasonable explanation.

For a woman, attraction is like a Surprise Party.

Suppose all someone wants in the world is a Surprise Party. This person, let's call her Becky, tells her friend that this is what she wants. Her friend nods in understanding. Three months later, on her birthday, Becky comes home. She opens the door, hits the lights and a dozen of her closest friends jump out from behind furniture yelling "Surprise" all in a decorated room affixed with a giant cake and unwrapped presents waiting for her. In this moment, Becky feigns a smile and a little jubilee, but her longing isn't quenched. Why? Because earlier that day she phoned her friend who gave a suspicious excuse as to why she couldn't come over. She had been wondering for the past few weeks whether or not her friend was going to arrange the party she said she wanted. Worse still, she saw her friend's car parked on next street over when coming home. When she opened the door, there was no surprise.

Consider this from her friend's perspective. She loves Becky. She wants to make her happy. She hears her say that all she wants is a Surprise Party and she sets out to do just that for her. She arranges the guests, arranges the decorations, wraps the presents and figures out how to decorate Becky's place without her knowing. And, after the reveal occurs, she notices the vacuous response in Becky - she didn't like it. Her resentment builds as she did everything she's supposed to do as a friend to satisfy her wishes, yet she is feigning excitement. She may think to herself, "I'm not sure why Becky lied to me, but she never really wanted a surprise party, because here it is and she's unmoved."

But the truth is that Becky really did want a Surprise Party! The problem is that in revealing what she wanted, she tainted it. Consider Becky's reaction had she not revealed her desire for a Surprise Party and her friend set one up for her anyway. She wouldn't have second guessed why her friend was unavailable on her birthday. She wouldn't have been thinking about a potential Surprise Party for the last few weeks leading up to it. She wouldn't have noticed her friend's car parked on the next street over because she wouldn't have been looking for suspicious clues. So, when she opened the door to have her friends reveal the surprise, she is genuinely awashed in happiness. Yet, in this scenario, her friends did exactly the same thing.

Taking this one step further reveals to me the biggest insight.

If Becky truly wanted a Surprise Party, not only would she not reveal her desire for it, she would actively promote that she didn't. She would say that Surprise Parties are stupid. She would talk bad about them and would shame others who bragged about their Surprise Party. When she reads a blog about a woman disclosing that all she really wanted from her friends was a Surprise Party, she posts comments saying NAWALT and that she's unique. And when her closest friend asks sincerely in privacy and secrecy, what she can do to be a better friend to Becky, she says that there's nothing wrong with her and for her to continue to be herself.

And when, against all of this posturing against Surprise Parties, her friend says to herself "Fuck it, I'm going to do what my gut says and what all those creeps on that crazy subreddit say," and actually throw the Surprise Party for Becky, the genuine surprise and elation pours over Becky and her friend finally sees the truth for what it is. Her friend then posts about her experience online as evidence, once again, that people who say they are against Surprise Parties, actually really want them.

It's in this analogy that I have found a way to discard all of the pent up resentment for all the shitty and ill-conceived advice given to me over the years from women. I understand why the women in my past (and present) refuse to admit their actual desires. Many of them are doing so intentionally, most aren't. But at the bottom of it all, it serves them as a pragmatic means to an end. When they reveal what they truly want in a man, then they open the door to impostors and then rob themselves of the feeling of attraction. Understanding that, why would they ever want to disclose the truth?