So, a core tenet of FDS is not sharing trauma with men. I used to be very guilty of this, sharing every upsetting detail of life with my SO. Of course, it was always pointless because they rarely understood or cared, and almost always would use it against me later on. I am now committed to sharing nothing with men but what a happy and successful person I am.

The issue is a good deal of my trauma stems from my relationship with my father. My father is a narcissist and verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused me as a child (and still does to this day). My pickme mom, who I love, sadly enabled my father’s behavior. My father literally refused to get a job when I was a baby, leaving him to be a stay at home parent by default, not because either parent wanted that to be the arrangement. He did nothing a stay at home parent would do—in addition to working a demanding, professional job, my mom came home and cooked dinner, did the housework and yard work, helped my brother and I with homework, paid bills, organized any family activities, etc. etc. The term “NVM” I think is not even strongly negative enough to describe just how much my father sucked the life out of my mother. To this day she refuses to divorce him because, she claims, they can’t afford to get divorced.

I’ve suffered some pretty severe depression and anxiety (really, I think I might have undiagnosed complex ptsd but I’ve had treatments that also treat ptsd) as a result of my father’s abuse. I’ve done a lot of work and sought a lot of mental health treatment to get past it, and luckily am at a point where I’m mentally very healthy and living the life of my dreams. The problem is I don’t know how to avoid such a big elephant in the room with men. Even something as basic as “what do your parents do?” on a first or second date is impossible for me to answer. I don’t want to dignify my father by calling him a “stay at home dad” because I really don’t view him as having had that role. He didn’t stay home to be a parent, he stayed home because he was too proud and lazy to get a job. I also don’t want to give men the impression that I am okay with a man in a relationship being the stay at home parent (a question game men often like to play with me) because I watched my mom do everything my whole life and I don’t want the financial stress of a whole family on my shoulders.

My biggest concern is how to handle introducing men to my family. I can avoid or play off questions about my dad too while just dating but every time a relationship has progressed to “meet the family” I’ve felt the need to launch into a whole history of my father and trauma to prepare the person. A mere twenty minutes with my father and the fact he is an abusive narcissist will be crystal clear and I’m so mortified and embarrassed to introduce people to him. In addition to being abusive, he’s also just plain evil and will make the most horrifically racist, sexist, etc. remarks. I’d like to cut him out of my life entirely, but unfortunately my pickme mom won’t leave.

What should I do? P.S. did I mention my dad was 30 when he asked out my mom at age 20 and they got married when she was 22? But I’m sure she was SO mature for her age that she could see what a monster he was. 🤮