Approved commenter

naturopathicfantasti · 2020-09-21T02:27:38+00:00

This isn’t something we talk about a lot and I think it’s something really empowering to explore and curate. I don’t know the answer but I know we have a whole lot to Un learn.

I think a lot of us are in a situation where we realize we’ve gone our entire lives having a mans pleasure at the center of our sexual experiences.

In sex ed, the mans orgasm was mentioned, a woman’s was not. Because that’s not what makes babies. The way that male orgasm was reached (in out in out) was discussed. Woman’s orgasm? Not even thought of.

In pg13 movies, boys erections were hilariously popping up in inconvenient situations. Ok. So what’s up with the girls? We were portrayed to be just hoping to god one of those inconvenient erections were for us. Gag. Seldom to never are a woman’s turn ons or orgasms mentioned. Then the countless sex scenes we’ve grown up seeing where the man sticks it in, 4 strokes and the woman moans, man collapses. Viola! Sex has been had!

Most of us didn’t consume porn like males did. And if we had, it would just have been a more graphic reiteration of the male pleasing performance.

So, many of us faked it and performed because we thought something was wrong with us for not enjoying the only examples of normal we had access to. Some of us were lucky to have orgasms with porn sick men purely out of self mental preservation.

Now we’re awake and oh damn, we’ve been going about it all wrong. We knew it, we knew it wasn’t what it should be. Now there are years of trauma, disrespect, shame and learned behaviors to unpack.

I don’t know a healthy way to retrain what turns me on. The truth is I get off easiest when I’m the only one involved and I don’t even fantasize. I know that’s not the case for everyone but when someone else is involved, it takes way longer and is sometimes impossible. For me that’s mental, it’s my mind being concerned about the other person not wanting to do the work because that work was never something enthusiastically given to me. I’m working on un learning that.

Personally, when I do fantasize, it’s about other women and I’m straight. I think many women are that way. I do know it’s possible to train yourself to be mentally stimulated by things when you work at it.

If there is a situation you know is damaging that comes up during masturbation, make sure to have a set of thoughts to replace that thought with. Pavlov yourself. That’s the best I’ve got. I’m interested to hear other people’s views.

thighsmatch · 2020-09-21T04:41:28+00:00

For a long time, I only watched gay male porn. My ex would get mad and thought it was weird, since I am a straight woman. Even I didn’t know why I liked it. Then I had an Epiphany. I realized gay male porn was the only kind of porn where I wasn’t watching a woman being degraded and therefore I could get into it.

As I got older I lost interest in even gay porn, and it repulsed me. I’ve had LVM partners, but a couple of them were great lovers, very reciprocal, and really focused on my pleasure. For me it really helped me to be in a committed relationship with someone who got off on me getting off if that makes sense. I worry about the younger generation because so many men are clearly porn-educated. Sorry I don’t have a solution but it’s a great question and topic.

ETA: So much “lesbian” porn seemed very much designed for the male viewers’ gaze, not for the women’s pleasure, and it didn’t interest me. And gay porn has a lot of problematic issues of its own (race fetishization, age gaps etc), on top of the desensitizing nature of porn in general.

Hhjjuuy · 2020-09-21T14:25:09+00:00

Stop thinking about sex or fantasizing when you masturbate. Really focus on your physical senses, how your touch feels on your body, the sensation of your skin against your sheets. Listen to your breath or put on music, something instrumental and long. Wear headphones. Let the desire for rational or material thoughts fade away. Don't try to change the type of sex you think about, it's too close to what you're trying to avoid. Breathe with purpose and engage more muscle groups. There is so much going on in a woman's body when she is feeling sexual pleasure, focusing on imagery is really a distraction from it.

heliodrome · 2020-09-23T12:13:41+00:00

Do the opposite of watching porn. And see if you are still interested in sex or horny. Then start attending to your own needs and body. No one is “visual”. That’s a term men invented to justify avoidance yet again.

eru378 · 2020-09-29T14:44:39+00:00

Hey, I wrote this comment in response to a recent post asking how to remove pornography from your life. My past issues are similar to your issue and I hope my comment might be useful to you.

"Good post. While I was never addicted to pornography, I have been through stages in life where I would masturbate to some frankly fucked up things, mostly in the form of comics, artwork, and erotic short stories, and I decided a while ago that I needed to stop. This was mainly a matter of willpower and change of mindset. I made myself see that I CHOSE to search for and use these materials, it wasn't something that just happened, and I could not and should not blame horny brain for it. I realised that my pleasure and orgasms were short and shallow when I masturbated to these things, and that I felt nasty and regretful afterwards. When I used my imagination and thought about loving passionate sex, I could keep going for ages and would always come so much more intensely. So when I began this process, when I was in the mood to masturbate I would force myself to just use my hands, lightly at first, no toys, going slow, getting back in touch with myself in a real and honest way, focusing on small details about my body and sensations I was feeling. I thought about why regular sex wasn't turning me on as much as whatever gross shit I was reading would, and realised that I was just chasing brain chemicals instead of properly loving my body, and then realised I did not want to live that way. I would sometimes weaken and go back to comics etc, and the sheer regret afterwards has really helped to keep me disciplined. The more I stay strong and masturbate with just beautiful sexy stuff in my imagination, the less I feel like reaching for something nasty.

So I guess my approach has been a pretty good attempt at cold turkey rather than gradual like you are seeming to want to do. I would strongly suggest you just try masturbating with only yourself and your imagination and see how you go. Spend time thinking hard about what turns you on with no reference to any porn scenarios, equipment, violence, degradation, any kind of paraphilia. Letting yourself go back to the thing you're trying to quit may just be part of the process for a while, but it's probably best to avoid re-creating positive associations with pornography or any themes from the pornography you watch that might be found in other media. Wishing you all the best with it!"

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/id0h5i/as_a_woman_how_can_i_replaceremove_porn_from_my/g3kltw9?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

Title	Approved commenter
Author	riverboatgirl
Upvotes	95
Comments	11
Date	September 21, 2020 12:43 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askfds/comments/iwq5b7/approved-commenter/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/approved-commenter.1629035 https://theredarchive.com/post/1629035

Comments