Did my heartbreak make me bitter?

divination__ · 2021-11-15T00:55:48+00:00

I think "bitterness" is only negative when it oozes out and hurts others – when you resent others for being happy and lash out at them, or you're an extremist who actually wants to physically hurt others and be violent.

That doesn't sound like the case for you at all. It sounds like you are healing those wounds and growing a tougher core. It's normal to miss that idealistic and naive you, but this was always going to happen, and it happens to everyone, and it'll happen to your friend, too. Because it is impossible to go through life without getting hurt, especially as a woman. You need to be "cynical" because the stories about the world we were taught as children (to treat others as you wish to be treated, to always be honest, to always take the higher road), inevitably leave you open for abuse and exploitation, and not to learn this lesson and become "bitter" is, quite frankly, a stupid and deeply costly mistake to make.

I will also say – in some ways it is a blessing. The rose-tinted glasses of being in a relationship can leave you blind to the reality. When I was in a relationship with my narc ex, I was completely blind to how little regard for me he had, and I look back and wonder how I tolerated it. The devastating heartbreak that followed (the pain coming not from losing him, but realising all my ideas about men and love were naive and wrong) has made me deeply cynical but so much stronger with incredible boundaries. Consequently, I've had much easier dating experiences since. All my friends in the best, most strong relationships were "bitter" and deeply hurt before, but used that hurt and anger to stop themselves from falling into traps with terrible men, which are so much more common than we used to think.

When you're young and naive, especially if you came from a relatively loving home, you assume you'll be able to spot the bad and evil people and the abusers. You think you'd be able to walk away because you know what love feels like, but you can be just as vulnerable.

You can never return to who you were, because you're in a process of growth and healing, and you'll be someone completely different after. Hold on to that anger and pain, remember what it feels like, and use that anger to identify people who are bad for you. Eventually you'll regain confidence in your own ability to notice what is and isn't good for you, and the world will stop seeming quite so scary.

I will also add that on a larger scale, there's a reason why society calls skeptical women "bitter", and idealises the sweet young girls instead – because the latter are much easier to manipulate. Don't let societal gaslighting tell you what you have experienced isn't real and that your reaction to it isn't appropriate. If you've been hurt, it is normal to want to avoid the same hurt again.

It benefits you to acknowledge that many men are awful, and they don't need to hit you to be terrible humans, that love isn't enough, and that you need to protect yourself.

You're growing wiser, not bitter.

intrepidis_dux · 2021-11-15T00:44:09+00:00

I think it's time you find ways to take your power back. A book called "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown helped me.

Title	Did my heartbreak make me bitter?
Author	thanarealnobody
Upvotes	44
Comments	2
Date	November 14, 2021 7:48 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/qtxrlu/did_my_heartbreak_make_me_bitter/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/did-my-heartbreak-make-me-bitter.1084090 https://theredarchive.com/post/1084090

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