How do you avoid becoming a starter wife/starter girlfriend?

LordDunderhead · 2021-02-08T08:28:34+00:00

It's a difficult question to answer but I would guess in an ideal world we wouldn't start dating until both men and women have settled into their careers and are ready to commit.

I think both options have their pros and cons but overall it's still better to stick with men roughly your own age, and probably similar salary/social status as well, to avoid making him feel like he can easily upgrade at a later time.

Honestly if you like just want to marry and settle down asap it might be easier to date older guys, but if you want a man who sees you as his equal and not a breeding machine/bangmaid I would stick to men your own age. It's so hard to give general advice on this topic though

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2021-02-08T10:08:09+00:00

Starter wife here to a not even particularly successful ex husband. He was just getting established in his career and going back to grad school when we were together. I had to teach him things like appropriate clothes to wear. Looking back on it now, I can see that he cared more about having a relationship so he could show off to his bros more than he ever cared about me individually. Once he got more confidence from his education and clothes glow up he was OUT. I literally never heard from him again.

Make sure he has a strong sense of who he is and he actually cares about you vs looking to buy into some kind of lifestyle.

throwRA8935747835 · 2021-02-08T13:32:26+00:00

Well, I know it is difficult to find more established men if you are in your early/mid-twenties like me, but here are some pointers:

Don't play Barbara the Builder. You aren't there to fix him, or anything. That means...
Don't clean his space.
Don't do his laundry.
Don't cook for him in his own home. You're a guest!
Don't try to clothe him. He can ask for your opinion, but DO NOT choose clothes for him like some bangmaid mummy.
Don't try to play career coach. He has to work things out for himself. Maybe you see his potential or whatever, but if he wanted to, he would do something about improving his career and education. Also, don't do his work or study for him. You're not helping.
Don't be his therapist. Girl, NO. Women can sometimes be sucked in, because we want to help and we want to show our support. There are ways to show your support without proviidng free therapy and a green card to trample all over you and your feelings.
On that same topic, don't let him treat you as a side character in his life. If you say that you are hurt by something he did, he should apologise and do better. Not go on a rant about how hard his life is, or that you have helped him to "see the light" and be a better person, or whatever. Great that he had some wild insight, but that doesn't help YOU, does it?
Support means that you can tell him that you're proud when he is achieving things, tell him that you are grateful whenever he goes the extra mile to make you happy, and that you can give him a hug and a kiss when things are tough. Support is, however, NOT trying to solve his problems for him.

Obviously, you'll continuously vet as well, but you may not be able to avoid being a "starter" something if you decide to date young. However, be conscious of that, and protect your emotional labour, time and efforts. Don't invest too much. Don't give more than you receive. Then you avoid being exploited and "building him up" for the next girlfriend or wife.

saint-jezebel · 2021-02-08T13:11:40+00:00

This is a hard question but from what I’ve seen/known, you need to be with a man that’s established and secure rather than still getting there. You meet people at all levels, so would you rather be who he meets when he’s getting there or who he meets when he’s there. This is main point. Men think differently at these stages so you have to vet them wisely and really listen to their goals and words along with watching actions.

jayda92 · 2021-02-08T10:54:48+00:00

Well, I think it has to do with life stages. They need to align with each other. Things like: having kids, being married/divorced, graduating, living alone etc. They change you, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2021-02-08T22:06:49+00:00

you REFUSE to date men who aren't complete in their success journey. This means:

- NO students

- NO soldiers

- NO part-time employed men

- NO unemployed men/broke/losers

the only and best way to avoid being a starter girlfriend is to ONLY date men who come to the table with their career, car, house, and life BUILT. YOU are the wife, and some other pickme ex of his held his hand while he was a broke loser student and now that he could do better, he's with you.

Title	How do you avoid becoming a starter wife/starter girlfriend?
Author	questionasker012
Upvotes	148
Comments	6
Date	February 8, 2021 3:19 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askfds/comments/lf2q2z/how-do-you-avoid-becoming-a-starter-wifestarter-/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/how-do-you-avoid-becoming-a-starter-wifestarter.1629158 https://theredarchive.com/post/1629158

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