How to reconcile a man spoiling you with them being financially responsible?

Sea_Soil · 2020-11-02T15:12:17+00:00

FDS does not say that a man should be spending outside his means. It's the thought and effort that counts more than the cost.

For a man to be massively in debt or lack personal finance skill would be a red flag and LV behavior.

That being said if a man is completely broke, he probably is not ready to be dating. He should be focusing on himself and getting back to a financially stable and healthy place first.

You should also be wary of a man "spoiling you" or spending TOO much. Bringing you expensive jewelry in the first date? That's love-bombing.

I understand the struggle of feeling like you're worth it. I grew up with an extremely frugal mother too (too a fault, she'd skip meals just to save money). But it's something you just have to work to overcome. It's sounds as if you're speaking under the assumption that you will only date a man with a lower income. Why is that? Is that what you're used to? Do you subconsciously feel like you're not worthy if dating a man who is already established? Do you think a rich man is too good for you?

There's nothing wrong with spending the money you do have towards self-care and personal fulfillment like hobbies and the like. Imaging you are dating a man making six figures. Would you still feel the same why?

Additionally, if you have specific, practical gifts you'd like (biking gear vs flowers, clothing vs knick knacks etc) you can find someone who has the same gift giving style. I think it's more HV when a man puts thought into unique gifts rather than giving you the generic "flowers, chocolate, jewelry" anyway. He should be able to pick up on what's most important to you.

igotchugirl · 2020-11-02T12:55:12+00:00

A man’s generosity should depend on what he is able to afford. If he has tons of money saved up and is trying to split a check with you, that’s more of a red flag than someone who is trying to make ends meet. Is he actively making an effort to be generous with you? Is he trying to spoil you to the best of his ability without going bankrupt? It sounds like you tend to be more on the money-saving type and that’s fine, but there is a difference between being generous with yourself and being generous with someone you want to be with. Ideally, a man should not want to spend much on himself but be eager to spoil the ones he loves.

tallwomenneedlovetoo · 2020-11-02T15:17:32+00:00

I’m guessing you live somewhere with a good population density and a high cost of living if you’re talking about apartments and being able to bike to your workplace? If not, let me know and I’ll reassess!

A man doesn’t have to have the swankiest of swanky high rises with a concierge in the most expensive location to be a HVM. He could have a decent place in a safe neighborhood that is well-kept and within his price range to invest OR commute a longer distance to have a nicer place and sock the money away for a rainy day. A man doesn’t have to be living in a ramshackle shed with leaks in the roof to pinch pennies and you, as a HVW, should recognize that there is definitely middle ground between living comfortably and having caviar and lobster for every meal.

As for gifts and paying for meals, I believe that growing up “kind of poor” has impacted how you feel about gifts. When you receive a certificate for a massage or a bouquet of flowers, your first thought shouldn’t be about whether or not he cares where his money goes; it should be that he sees your happiness and comfort as an investment worth spending on, which is what FDS means when we say generosity is non-negotiable.

On the other hand, a man has to respect your boundaries and not try to force/mold you into what he wants. If you’re truly uncomfortable with accepting certain gestures, such as when a woman in a minimalist and prefers not to receive tchotchkes or trinkets as part of her lifestyle, and not just feeling like you’re undeserving, communicate that in no uncertain terms. If he doesn’t respect it and keeps trying to force you to take gifts that you don’t like or want, block, delete and move on.

Finally, it is entirely possible to casually drop 100 while still investing in a 401k and living comfortably, especially in places with a lower cost of living and especially on the happiness of someone you see a future with.

umbralgarden · 2020-11-02T15:31:09+00:00

It's important to remember that most men who aren't rich are thrifty unless it's something they really really want like a video game or...a girl lol. They do not spend the amount a woman does on their appearance, so not only do they usually make more money but they have more saved for what they truly want, so if he's spending it on you let him- if he fucks up that's his own problem not yours, just never share a bank account or anything with him no matter what anyways. You shouldn't worry about it because his investment choices should never ever affect your future even when you're married. Keep it separate. You can share without having joint account.

It's pretty safe to say if he's spending on you he really likes you, really enjoys spoiling women (you count as one of his hobbies) or it's really no big expense to him at all. Men are constantly scared of gold diggers and very aware of their position in the financial gender dynamics so if he's decided to spend on you let him. Once you actually get serious you can ask about his investments.

Honestly just remember that your hair, nails, makeup, lingerie and outfit you wear to one single date equal the price of one really nice hour or 2 hour massage. He never has to spend that much on his appearance (unfortunately.) he's already up hundreds on you. $100 is nothing to an employed man. They frequently buy more than one $60 game a month they often don't play.

werker115 · 2020-11-02T23:59:44+00:00

Eh I pay $2k a month in rent in my major city, it’s expensive but I want to live in a nice building with amenities, in a safe neighborhood that is walking distance to everything. Sure some would judge me as financially irresponsible just based on my rent, but I spend no more than 18% of my income on my rent...so I think you should put these things in perspective. I still save and invest a lot of my income.

Title	How to reconcile a man spoiling you with them being financially responsible?
Author	canadiangirl1564
Upvotes	58
Comments	11
Date	November 2, 2020 6:53 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/jmiuei/how_to_reconcile_a_man_spoiling_you_with_them/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/how-to-reconcile-a-man-spoiling-you-with-them.1068260 https://theredarchive.com/post/1068260

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