Settle or bet on myself?

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-05-05T13:47:40+00:00

Your education and the job experience you will earn will far outweigh any benefits a man provides. If you work towards goals of a healthy body and mind, however that looks for you, you will be infinitely more desirable than you realize. Men have all different sorts of preferences. But yeah, men also suck sometimes, which is why betting on yourself will never fail you. Only one person to care for, to clean up after, and to feed/house/finance. I’d choose me every time.

2021-05-05T14:01:48+00:00

'Settle' doesn't exist in FDS.

When you bet on yourself, that's the best & only (safe) option.

When you've reached your goals (financially independent and whatever else your target) you will no longer have this doubt of 'will i be good enough...',

Because you'll be self-fulfilled by then, males will become non-priority.

only by then only you can tell how you manage your time commitment along with dating.

HVM or not, when you're self-fulflled, males know they have to up their game when they want to be with you.

That's the place where you should be when you dating.

esoldelulu · 2021-05-05T16:55:06+00:00

I was in your position and quite honestly I lived through the trial and error. I acknowledge that the biggest mistake I made was assuming men would be “better” just by living in a different culture or being a different ethnicity from my own, since that alone will not elevate a person. And viewing my upbringing as something to be seen as beneath these men by default was a sure fire way to open myself up to being taken advantage of no matter how many protections I gathered around me.

Things got significantly better for me when I shifted my priorities to leveling up myself and removing the requirement to have a boyfriend off that leveling up list. That made romance optional. Meaning I can opt out of it when I don’t feel happy or think it’s fun for me anymore. Make sure to vet men and people in general over a considerable length of time to discern if what they’re showing you is consistent to what they say.

Since you’re moving to a new country, priority should be to establish a new foundation for yourself. So make friends, hopefully you can find a group of women you can be close to and can mutually support, and give and receive helpful feedback. Especially as they would be more familiar with the local male habits. When I had that, it made enduring the silly antics of men nonsensical. You don’t want a man you’re dating to be the only social outlet for yourself especially in a different country.

Give yourself a good anchor before you wade into the dating pool.

Good luck.

MelatoninNightmares · 2021-05-05T15:57:58+00:00

Betting on yourself is always the best choice, because it's the only bet where you can control the outcome.

If you move to a bigger American city, I promise you won't have too much trouble fitting in or meeting people. It doesn't even necessarily have to be NYC. America has plenty of immigrants, so you won't stick out and people aren't going to be put off by it. And the overwhelming majority of people are friendly and welcoming. (A lot of people say Americans are almost terrifyingly friendly, though that'll depend on the culture you come from.)

will I be good enough for these HVM? I am a WOC & I am not a stunner; but very well groomed & smart; well read, well spoken

Honesty, this is kind of a silly question. Every woman is good enough for a HVM, because literally no woman deserves the bullshit LVM put us through. But if you're worried about attracting partners, don't be. We don't have arranged marriage culture, so men have to seek out partners. Be careful though. A lot of men will look to exploit recent immigrants, thinking they must be "good submissive wives" or that they won't know to expect better.

will they ever be able to understand? I come from a very abusive family & culture where I simply dont fit in & my life’s mission is about leaving this mess behind.

Family issues are universal. Cross-cultural marriages can be difficult, but that doesn't matter what the two cultures are. Even Americans married to Brits struggle with it sometimes. People may not ever fully understand, but they'll at least have a frame of reference for trying to understand.

will I even have the time to look around? Considering I’ll be building my life from the bottom up in a very demanding career and I have A LOT of goals

You'll have time if you want time. I don't recommend prioritizing dating over other goals, though. If you focus on building yourself up, you'll attract people with a similar mindset and similar goals. And even if you don't, your success is far more important than a man.

level_up_always · 2021-05-05T14:41:04+00:00

girl if you're reading these subs you already know the answers, choose yourself!!!

also some thoughts on your other worries as someone who lives in the us:

will I be good enough for these HVM? I am a WOC & I am not a stunner; but very well groomed & smart; well read, well spoken

yeah don't worry about that. the us is a weird place though. it's more racist than other western countries but don't let that get in your head and keep your options open vet the individual men for their views vs the group.

will they ever be able to understand? I come from a very abusive family & culture where I simply dont fit in & my life’s mission is about leaving this mess behind.

honestly, no. and don't expect them to. people can sympathize but they can't empathize because you are the one who has that experience from your specific country and circumstances. also it's best not to tell men your trauma anyway. maybe controversial advice but especially if you are from a place that is stereotyped by the media here people will already have assumptions just from you being from that place so from a strategy perspective i'd lean towards the opposite and slightly downplay stuff just being real it will be to your advantage. try to get a therapist as soon as you can afford it someone who specializes in your culture or the issues immigrants face etc. so that you have someone to talk to. or find expat groups who can relate but don't rely on men for this.

will I even have the time to look around? Considering I’ll be building my life from the bottom up in a very demanding career and I have A LOT of goals

absolutely if you make the time for it plus they should be pursuing you and doing most of the work anyway so being busy can be to your advantage hell maybe you'll even meet some who can help you with your goals.

it won't be easy but nothing worth having is anyway. based on your situation i'd rather be single and financially independent than tied to a lvm in a patriarchal culture. sounds horrible.

ms_monquis · 2021-05-05T23:34:02+00:00

Always always always bet on yourself. Always.

I'm so impressed by the decisions you're already making! It cannot be over-emphasized how monumental this is. You're turning your whole upbringing on its head in order to make your own decisions and create the kind of life you want for yourself. It's mind-blowing!

You're emotionally transitioning away from the negative parts of your culture already, and it sounds like this quasi-question is part of that. You've got a good career path? You've got your head on your shoulders? You've got big goals and plans? Bebe, you are going to be so busy leveling up, you aren't even going to be worried about it. And I'm not saying "don't think about it," I'm saying pretty soon, you're not even going to need to.

While you're making a good life for yourself, good people will find their way into it. Not saying it'll be easy, but you already have some good ideas of what you DON'T want. And don't present yourself like you're some kind of damaged goods because of the foibles of your countrymen. You're opting out of that, so you don't have to bring it everywhere with you.

cherriesandmilk · 2021-05-05T23:54:23+00:00

Misogyny transcends all culture, it is in the fabric of our society. The men from the US probably won’t differ much from the ones in your country, honestly. I suggest you put all your stock into yourself, build a grand future for yourself, however that looks. A man should only benefit you, not the other way around.

Title	Settle or bet on myself?
Author	oleviking
Upvotes	52
Comments	8
Date	May 5, 2021 1:34 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/n5g1pg/settle_or_bet_on_myself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/settle-or-bet-on-myself.792038 https://theredarchive.com/post/792038

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