Staying Friends with Ex's

WestAtmosphere · 2020-04-29T21:31:30+00:00

I have no ill will to any of my exes, even the ones who did harsh things to me. I don’t need updates on their lives, after a relationship I always block and unfriend etc. There is no point in keeping an ex around, they will always be your ex.

I’d be weary of a man that keeps exes as friends, even if its just to give updates to each other. Why do you need to? What is so important in your life that you need to keep an ex updated on? You should focus on your new life and new partner if you have one.

Parting ways doesn’t have to be hard, it can be amicable. It’s just for the best, and if you two are chill with each other then it should be understandable. Leave the past in the past.

siberiansummer · 2020-04-29T21:00:20+00:00

I only communicate with one ex and that's my ex-husband who I had two kids with. Other than that I completely cut it off. My last boyfriend was friends with pretty much all of his ex-girlfriends. I didn't have a problem with that at that time but I will never be okay with it ever again. He told me that after he broke up with his previous ex he'd still have sex with her here and there. And that's how I generally feel: when you are in contact with your exs it's basically a way for you to still in a way be present in their lives. It's a baggage you are dragging in a new relationship. No matter how platonic your relationship is now it's still a person you were romantically attached to. Any healthy reaction from a new partner would be a suspicion.

eru378 · 2020-04-30T07:52:00+00:00

I would not date a man who is in touch with ex partners and I am not in touch with my ex partners. I have a lot going on in my life and I have limited time and energy to spend on people, so why would I spend any of it on someone who I had a failed relationship with? My relationship with that person has reached its terminal point - there's no need to keep the connection open. Even if we're on nice friendly terms, which I am with some exes, there's just no point for me in maintaining that open channel to the past. My romantic attention is fully on the future and new things and I expect the same of a man.

Insisting on staying in touch with an ex is suspect to me. People who strongly want do it are often not being honest with themselves about why they want to do it. It's often a narcissistic thing (breaking up with someone but keeping them around for validation because you know they still feel strongly for you), an act of desperation and low self-esteem (sad about being broken up with so you stay in touch with an ex in perpetual hope they'll change their mind), loneliness (ex sex), or attached to other equally bad motivations. I'm sure there are some above-board situations where people are friends with exes, but the reality is that perception matters, it's often unhealthy, and most prospective new partners will be weird about it.

kingunia · 2020-04-29T20:37:01+00:00

People who want to be friends with their exes give me narcissistic vibe. Just accept that you are hurt/you hurt someone and move on. You don’t have to be cool with everything.

NecessaryCook · 2020-04-29T20:15:45+00:00

Yes, the official stance is in the handbook which I'd encourage you to check out.

You do not stay friends with exes. There is no good reason to. We do not consider dating any man who is "friends" with his exes, it is unacceptable and disrespectful behavior. This doesn't mean he should hate his exes, but that he is respectfully no contact and has completely cut the cord and moved on in his life. Get some new friends you have never had sex with.

greenishpixie · 2020-04-30T05:35:12+00:00

My ex used to keep contact with his exes and it drove me mad!! I would say if you're still hoping that one day something will happen... it's not good to bring that into a new relationship. And if you happen to meet someone, maybe you can both acknowledge that?

Having that unpleasant experience, I also would never want to be that ex that is in touch. So she might also be understanding of that.

modernmedusaa · 2020-05-08T12:43:14+00:00

LOL there is a clear incentive for MEN to keep ex's at friends......and that is the POTENTIAL of sex when things dry up for them because women always have access to sex and men don't. They want to keep them as eggs in their basket....and when they feel lonely or need attention..... hit them up about the 'good old times'

I don't keep any ex's as 'close friends' for this reason

I have a couple high value ex's that I can talk to casually on rare occasions.........only because I wasn't that wrapped up with them emotionally and we broke up years ago or dated when we were younger. I don't tell them much about myself and its kept pretty platonic. If I got into a relationship again, I wouldn't bother messaging them because its not that deep for me to ignore some ex from 6years ago.

Yeah its nice to stay in touch but I don't want to hear much from them really bc I'm over it.

But friends? With people you had deep feeling for? No I don't want to be friends with men I dumped...because its opening up an old chapter I closed.

I would take it as a red flag if a man was in regular touch with his ex's....it makes you look phoney imo. We know who you are going to run to if we have relationship problems. I wouldn't feel comfortable dating a man who regularly updates his ex's on his life, because it seems like he has trouble detaching. Looks like you're keeping eggs in your basket out of insecurity in case you get dumped/ need attention

gerad77 · 2020-05-18T05:14:07+00:00

Wow people have been harsh.

I’m female and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being friends with people you’ve dated or hooked up with in the past FOR AS LONG AS THERE ARE CLEAR BOUNDARIES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR S/O ABOUT IT. I tend to keep people in my life that are high value to me, people that I know are good people and have somehow changed/ shaped my life. So for me, cutting them off is like estranging myself with a family member. I personally would not date anyone who thinks making me chose between him and my friends (whether I’ve slept with them or not) is a good idea but I also know that when I’m committed to someone, I’m 200% all in and I do not cross any lines that would jeopardise this.

In saying that, a very open and honest communication is needed with your partner. Also patience to be able to answer their questions when they come up. I’d rather have a partner that is open to unpack why he is against me being friends with an ex and then talking it through than someone who just disregards my friendship and gives me an ultimatum.

Also, in case anyone is wondering, my partner is also friends with his ex and I had questions myself (at the beginning of us dating) about their past relationship and current friendship. I don’t expect him nor myself to be just “Ok cool.” when this sort of “issues” arise but again, for as long as you’re open to talking it out, trusting each other that no one is stepping out of line, and being 200% committed to your current relationship (mentally, physically, emotionally), then it can work.

Title	Staying Friends with Ex's
Author	Caelus9
Upvotes	14
Comments	39
Date	April 29, 2020 6:18 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/gaehtw/staying_friends_with_exs/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/staying-friends-with-exs.1068678 https://theredarchive.com/post/1068678

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