I'm doing "fine" on everything except my relationship. Sigh.

I've been doing the 180 to prepare my heart for divorce but really I just want her to choose our family etc. Sigh. It's almost a covert contract just like my divorce prep.

The sidebar advises not to blow everything up until there's a physical affair and it hasn't happened.. Yet.. AFAIK. But.. She's made it clear she wants a divorce.. In 2 years..

Last night we even had sex when I got weak from trying to distance myself and slept in the marriage bed. I had been doing well about not chasing her & STFU. I think sleeping in the spare bedroom & the 180 are relationship killers, but my relationship is basically dead..

She's got 1 year of school to finish & sends our kid to school every morning, I pick up in the afternoon. We have a good coparenting dynamic. She can't really afford to live on her own or move out. Maybe can talk about how she'd survive during MC tomorrow.

Still remember her sitting on the sofa with makeup on waiting to go meet a guy at a hotel! I did tell her it was over if she went on that date, and she listened, but that seems like a temporary fix. Although I heard a few people tell me it probably was just my paranoia since she wouldn't be so straightforward if it was for cheating, she'd probably just accidentally cheat instead. Heh.

I just don't want to live together when she asks for Friday night off to go "meet some friends" heh. I think I can't let go that easily & it could happen & I will be traumatized!

Since she's also "not willing to work on reconciliation" .. she thinks we should divorce "in 2 years". I want to blow that up with the MC's help.

We have a meeting with a marriage counselor tomorrow I told her (and myself) was for divorce discussions. I'd like to say "no dates" or divorce but she'll just say I won't let her have friends. I thought the discussion will be good and make her face the reality of our upcoming divorce. But.. I'm not even sure what to talk about besides a beta dating ultimatum. Coparenting & division of stuff & her moving out, I suppose.

I've already booked the marriage counselor, I think they can be helpful for discussing our upcoming divorce & making it feel real etc. Suggestions? Shatter my hopium?