I am posting this question in the retarded playpen because that's where my posts belong. It would be Rule 9 material, so beware of content, but I need help parsing this situation with some tough love.

I have been focused mostly on getting my shit together in these months. I think I have made a significant step ahead once I started repeating to myself that I don't have to be afraid of her yelling, although I let myself condition into that over many years. This attitude started as a reactive one (i.e., in response to tests triggered by immediate circumstances), and became a proactive one lately (i.e., I am mostly no longer afraid of telling her things like they are, which means my mind is unimpeded in the thought process and I can clearly convey the content of my position). I reject fights.

I have described in my last OYS that I have been dealing with a week-long episode of wife yelling at - but barely talking to - the kids. The fact is not new, but the length is becoming unusual. In fact, she has been giving me a mostly silent treatment as well.

On Wednesday night I go to sleep, early as my new usual. I had the bad habit of staying with her until late because she wanted to "be together" and watch tv, only to find her asleep after twenty minutes. This is one of the first things I changed three months ago.

She shows up after a bit on the doorsteps of the bedroom saying that she feels bad, she's not happy, she cannot talk to me and I don't show interest in that, I have never done that, and never found time for us. (You see me here, that means I've done all of that in excess). I was half asleep and DEER a bit, fight her shit a bit. I invite her to bed, which she refuses. After half an hour of attempted verbal intercourse, it finally comes out that she is stressed about a work situation. It took her a fucking week. We talk a bit about that, I let her get this thing out. But things don't improve in the following days.

I am trying to navigate through this refusing to be dragged again into her frame. I am trying to provide comfort but no DEERing. This morning she sends a text while I bring the kids to school with the same usual. She wants to know if anything else is on my mind. I don't reply. I had been thinking of coming back right after, give her a proper kiss, and leave for work - so I do. I am not begging or needy. Of course she refuses the kiss, more of the same. I don't judge, I don't react. She asks again if something else is on my mind, I say no, don't DEER, stroke her hairs and tell her I'll see her tonight.

Here's the question.

I am planning to do more of the same. I am not backtracking to flowers and DEER. In fact, I am tempted to avoid things that could be construed as me falling back. I am planning to STFU, keep my frame, don't be afraid, and comfort her without being butthurt about the shit she throws precisely right after I do - her timing is unbeatable.

Is this the natural course of things? I am sure I am doing many things wrong. What are they?

Thank you.

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EDIT - the day after.

Ok. After a lot of great advice, I decided to bite the tail of the dragon yesterday night. I followed Tyred_Biggums' leads in this comment, but really the whole discussion has been in it.

After dinner, I told her, "why don't we talk now." She said no of course, then she sat and was getting ready to hit me with the list, but I had already planned to lead the discussion. I started and told her I didn't like how she had behaved in the last ten days. Then broken record if she went off course, mostly fogging and not reacting to random accusations.

After a while she focused on herself and started talking about how she feels on a number of issues, which I let her do without making judgments, offering fixes or advice. I just let her vent, repeating her words, asking her to spell out more of what she feels. It was useful for me because it gave me an open window on what is going on in her head. We ended up talking about a number of things that normal families should talk about, like kids' school, money and other stuff, with minimal tension.

I was able to keep my mind calm and unafraid, and this kept her calm as well. The whole thing was like a reset. The night I fucked her after a six-weeks dry spell, and it was much better than how it had been the last time. I initiated, but I might have not needed to.

This is what I think I've learned.

This was a clear lack of leadership on my side and I dug myself into that hole, as usual. This lack of leadership was three-fold. First, I let her behavior slide and compound itself for too long. I should have addressed it sooner and stopped it. Second, I did not pay attention to something that was obviously troubling my FO - whether with good reasons or not. Third, in my quest to rebuild myself and take leadership of the household, I had excluded Mrs. Ackley from my life - and myself from her life. I know exactly where our finances are going, for example, and she really doesn't want to deal with it; but she needed to know that I have the pulse of everything.

All this lack of leadership occurred because I was still afraid of her. I have some thoughts on this process of overcoming fear that I will include in my next OYS, or perhaps in a new post, after I chew on those considerations a bit.

Yesterday morning I really hesitated on clicking the "post" button. The payoff has been enormous. Thank you.