How should i dread on this onr

SteelToeShitKicker · 2017-10-03T15:02:54+00:00

I have discussed the issue of her being lazy multiple times and there's only a change for maybe the first 2 weeks after the discussion and she'll go back to her lazy habits.

Against my better judgement, I'm going to assume you are in fact, somewhat attractive since you say you are.

I think you need a change of tact here. By accusing someone of being lazy (though it may be true) you are 1) attacking them and 2) not leading them to the behaviors you want.

Start by giving simple instructions and getting commitment. Hey, I'd like you to get some folding done today. Can you do this?

Edit: Try to say it without sounding butthurt too. You want to be congruent when giving directions, like you really believe they are going to do it.

Rian_Stone · 2017-10-03T19:12:44+00:00

Have her hit enter twice, it breaks the text into paragraphs, so others can read it.

After that, try reading. We have a great selection of books on the sidebar to practice on. Since it's as long as 3 minutes in between sets of heavy weights at the gym, it gives you something to do during that time. Pretty efficient!

And if none of that works, come back, I'll see what I can do.

HB3234 · 2017-10-03T15:15:32+00:00

You're starting with an assumptiom about her time that I am not sure is accurate. A child that is young can be quite demanding on time, especially if you're a 'married single mother'. Your post makes it sound like the kid is 100% her responsibility.

Why do you work two jobs? Are they both minimum wage or part time retail kind of things? Are they decent jobs but you're drowning under debt? Are you starting a company on the side? I don't see many scenarios in which a household that needs 3 incomes can afford a maid, let alone one that will stick around while the husband oogles and flirts at her in an attempt to dread his wife.

Most women just aren't going to be able to pull 20 hrs/wk work (more like 25-30 if you're counting commutes), 100% childcare, and 100% housework. If you were working 1 full time job, it would be totally clear that she is being asked to pull a huge load, comparatively, and is likely to grow resentful and just stop doing some tasks OR burn out at some point. However, because you're working 2 jobs, you essentially expect her to also work 2 jobs.

Part of leading and owning your shit should include getting your finances and skills to where you can work just one job, so you have the energy and time to be more involved with this kid you made. And if you never want to touch a domestic task, then your job(s) need to provide income enough that she can be a full time SAHM.

hystericalbonding · 2017-10-03T14:46:22+00:00

She doesn't care as much as you do about folding the laundry. That will not change. She might be willing to do it anyway, but not with dread alone. Dread is a byproduct of being attractive, not a tool to coerce someone into respecting covert contracts.

Are you leading by example and owning your shit? Since the post is all about her, I doubt it, but I hate to make assumptions.

Do you have the frame and assertiveness for a frank conversation about expectations? Are you consistently applying tools from WISNIFG? Or do you get defensive, aggressive, or fold when challenged?

matrixtospartanatLV · 2017-10-03T15:11:07+00:00

Have you started spinning that plate from a month ago? Or did that gig end already?

You work two jobs, the LTR works a half a job. Cleaning a 4 bedroom house and doing laundry for 6 people takes 4 hours a day, and that includes dinner prep, pool maintenance, mowing the lawn and one oil change a week. Guess how I KNOW that?

I'd tell her she needs to get a full time job to pay for a maid and daycare if she doesn't want to take care of shit.

Or she can get 2 jobs, like you, and you'll cut back and handle the shit yourself.

What DL are you at?

Your SMV is high.

Great.

You're good looking to you.

She obviously doesn't give a shit, so it must be your leadership that's the problem.

"Because I fucking said so" doesn't work great when they become adults.

Add the dread of your frame as well by reading the sidebar.

Lead her to success, not necessarily by doing it yourself, but by getting her to see the value of the contribution and the consequences of not contributing.

I dealt with this briefly.

I started doing household shit and every time she wanted to go out I said no, I had dishes laundry vacuuming dusting bills mowing carshit etc to do before I had time to go out.

After the second weekend of that shit she started doing shit and then she'd come to me and say the dusting vacuuming laundry was done, could we go out?

Sure...just one more thing that'll take ten minutes.....

bogeyd6 · 2017-10-03T16:10:18+00:00

You wouldn't be the first person to throw money at a problem like this, but this isn't a problem money can solve. You have a leadership problem and open rebellion from your wife as the direct result. You could have just done everything yourself, I did that, to the point where she really wasn't needed anymore in the house. I can't recommend that course of action because there is much work to be done getting to the point. Higher SMV + Alienated = Lasting change. She got the point all by herself that she looked around and seen that she was the odd one out.

Your LTR pretty much sums up everything with your paragraph you wrote. Your smv is lower, you have no boundaries, and she knows you will not enforce them. Essentially, she got comfortable and doesn't feel like she needs to obey you. That's fine, that is probably why you are here in the first place. It's a long road to turn that around. Personally, if the kid is not yours. I would show her the door.

Let's get to the point where you are paying for dread. Not a bad move! You know, more for paying an escort to be seen flirting with you. Or an entourage for a party. Things can get pretty nasty depending on the woman. A cat fight is a real action that could occur. Hiring a maid, a cute one at that, to clean your house for you is probably the dumbest fucking thing I have yet seen on dreading your wife. She is the help, your LTR will not feel dread from her. All it will do is make her lock down the maid like women are want to do, and you will keep going through maids.

What are some other ideas to get my LTR to step up and own her responsibilities around the house?

Try inspecting what you expect.

UEMcGill · 2017-10-03T16:45:03+00:00

she can be replaced easily and she knows this.

Does she?

Me doing all the work isn't possible so im thinking of getting a house maid. A cute one at that, and have her do all the chores.

Right, where are you going to find one of those? Cute maids are rare as hens teeth.

In leadership there is teaching, and leading. First you teach. Teach how you want the job done. Teach because often you realize yourself what is requested of your subordinate. Then hold her accountable to your expectations.

"Hey, I'm working the bulk of the hours outside the house here, I don't have time to come home and fold clothes. If you don't fold them, I look sloppy for work and then there's the extra work of rewashing perfectly clean clothes."

Then do it yourself.

Ask her if she's capable of doing it. If she says she is, and doesn't ask her when she's going to get her full time job because if she can't pick up the slack around the house then she might as well learn how to provide in a more useful way.

SorcererKing · 2017-10-03T15:40:02+00:00

Two options: 1. Tell her she must do the wash part and you're going to fold. 2. Tell her laundry is all on her.

Either of those need to be backed by some frame from you. You've given her 12 years of expecting you to do everything she doesn't feel like doing. That won't be easy to undo.

P.S. - The maid thing is passive-agressive. Sack up and tell her what you expect. Be prepared to enforce it.

ooj567 · 2017-10-03T18:25:22+00:00

Looks like she is depressed. Take her to doctor. Mental problem can be very dangerous if ignored. And the first sign of depression is you don't feel like doing anything which you normally do happily. Get help as soon as possible.

screechhater · 2017-10-04T00:47:27+00:00

Have you ever heard of boundaries ? How about respect ? She apparently has little for you

Try dread. Start at 1, work your way up.

Attractive ? The fuck you are, she doesn't think so.

Read ---->>>>

The_Litz · 2017-10-04T07:22:17+00:00

Dread is for getting sex, leading is for getting the house cleaned.

Getting a cleaner is rewarding her for not cleaning the house, but if a cleaner is needed in your circumstances, get one, but don't think of it as dread or punishment, it is purely a practical solution. Getting a cute maid, dude, you made my skin crawl with that one, are you that guy that creeps out the cleaning staff at hotels and resorts?

On a practical note your options are:

Call her to come help fold the clothes. If you say nothing she is going to finger fuck her phone while you sit there steaming in your frumpled up shirt. She needs to know you need her to own her shit.
Dump your clothes at a laundromat. No maid and clean ironed clothes.

On another note, toss your wife a bone here. I've taken care of the kids and ran the house plus go to work and take care of my wife's small shop when she was away for a few weeks. It is totally doable, but there was one caveat, things did take longer than I thought it would take and some nights supper was KFC because, fuckit.

Title	How should i dread on this onr
Author	pointster_VSK
Upvotes	3
Comments	36
Date	October 3, 2017 2:21 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/740ozq/how_should_i_dread_on_this_onr/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/how-should-i-dread-on-this-onr.205343 https://theredarchive.com/post/205343

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