So....

So, after 4 yrs of marriage (2 kids), I went totally betamax because of some changes in my life (early 2011).

I start apologizing, supplicating, give her stuff with lot of cover contracts, she handles 1.5 yr of my shit, then contacts her ex-bf over Facebook (mid 2012).

They meet few times, then they both tell me it was platonic (she told me she would fuck him if she could, but there was no such option). Then she files for divorce (early 2013), I discover her affair, tell her we can work on it, we have kids, we have family (I was totally unaware of RP at that time). She cancels the divorce. I continue to be betamax for a year. She calls me names one day, I check er FB, she's in contact with ex-bf (early 2014).

I discover TRP and MAP, collect proof over FB, file for divorce (early 2014). Then I start to fuck her again, just for the kicks, just to get some revenge out of it. Then I get her pregnant (mid 2014). Then our 3rd kid is born (fatherhood not yet checked, but I bet 90% it's mine); I back out the divorce papers.

I act like little insecure whiny beta bitch for 6 months after the kid is born, she files divorce again (mid 2015).

I am not sure if I am able to trust her at all.

My first reaction is "go for it, our marriage is fucked".

On the other hand, I discover MRP and I am not sure if "trusting a woman" is a reasonable concept at all.

Also, I realize that I am not owning my shit. That I am acting like an insecure whiny pussy.

Also, AWALT. I can divorce if other women are more faithful BUT we have 3 kids, goddamnit. I don't believe another woman will be more faithful. MAYBE IF I STOP ACTING BETA SHE WILL.

Call me White Knight, but after that changes I started 4 years ago, I handled them extremely bad. I actually see she acted accordingly to RP and it did even took her pretty long to start emotionally cheating.

My plan right now, as we live together still:

• STFU
• continue lifting, improving myself,
• improve contact with her about the kids,
• hold frame as a mofo, start passing shit tests.

Before that (mid 2015), in a middle of a fight, I told her "this is the end of my exclusivity for you" and started number-closing with some girls, with a reasonable success (3/week), went for a few dates. I'm in shape/form/clothes good enough. Also, in 2014 we separated finances. I'm not wearing my wedding ring since 2012, my wife too.

The deal is, that I often break frame, as she acts in a provocative manner.

Do you think my marriage is salvageable? I wish it was, on the other hand I actually hate the way my wife behaves and I don't like going out with her. I went out with her 2 or 3 times in 2014 and it was constant shit test. Also, this year I went on the holiday with 2 of my older kids, without her and the youngest kid, because I really hate the way she behaves.

Any suggestions for me, except "stop being an insecure pussy beta bitch idiot faggot pussy"?

Since yesterday I think between "fight for your marriage" and "just let her divorce". I am afraid of changes. I am afraid that if I divorce, my kids are going to hate me. I am afraid, that they will tell me "why the fuck you did not fight". But on the other hand, I am fighting. Maybe not as strong as I should, but I do.

Maybe the fight is inside me, between hate for her and a dream to have a proper family.

I think I need to head for the divorce and divorce her because she won't respect me AT ALL if I won't.

I won't beg her to stay. In 2014, closer to the divorce, more sexually active she got. This year the difference is she filed.

If we're meant to be together, we will grow up and be together. Maybe some day, maybe never.

Somehow I think she may be repulsed by me and I don't want to give this feeling to her AT ALL, giving it her for 1.5 yr in the past is pretty much enough for me.

Suggestions?

EDIT: I think I'll STFU, work on me and my frame and... I'll head for divorce AS THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME LIVE INSIDE. I started taking care of the kids more, because I got some happiness OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE and the think of ending this shitty misery MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE INSIDE. On the other hand I am afraid - will I loose anything by this approach? What do you think?