TL:DR: beta swallows red pill, revisits sad ghosts of beta relationships past and present, gets angry, begins effecting change, struggles, but starts getting laid, probably makes too big a deal of it, needs to focus on big picture while taking baby steps at the same time.

I am a beta through and through. I just swallowed The Red Pill. It is going down sideways, and stuck in my throat. Some days I wake up just like Neo did the first time detaching from the Matrix, falling out of the chair and throwing up. Other days I wake up with that excited look: “I know Kung Fu!” I feel awake for the first time in decades, yet I feel like my mind is fucked, all at once. I feel grateful for seeing the world for the first time, and at the same time that deep regret for the youth that I pissed away chasing my Snowflake, chasing The One, running away from rejection, etc., etc., etc.

My story is the same as a million other dudes who ended up here. 40, wife, kids. It is a stereotypical beta story, yet it is all my own. The more I read, whether it is TRM, MRP posts, or PUA, or whatever, the more angry I get. Self-diagnosis suggests I'm a mix of scenario 1 (stale marriage) and scenario 2 (slippery slope of beta)...we're not in danger but this is no way to live a life.

The following is more cathartic than it is a call for advice or question or anything else. It is a history of my sordid relationship past. Way too much info, but I haven't reflected on this past through a RP lense, and now that I have...ugh.

Story #1: College/LDR/Oneitis #1: I had a GF senior year of high school. She went to college on the east coast, I went to college on the west coast. Instead of saying our farewells, I spent hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars calling her, visiting her, for four years. I hooked up with girls during that time, I was, and am still, good looking, and could pick up a girl who bumped into me without me trying, but I was obsessed with The One. Junior year I went out to visit and while she was in a class, a guy she was friends with knocked on her door, to talk to me. He was in love with her. Knowing what I know now, he was a pathetic beta too. He told me point blank, they were in love. I wish I could say I punched him in the nose or displayed one iota of Alpha. All I said was, hey, if she loved you, I wouldn’t be here. But it was clear they were a thing. I tried to have a spine, I said pack my bags, I’m GTFOH, and she obliged, but I still couldn’t quit her. Senior year, I finagled a way into her email (this was the mid 90s, it wasn’t hard), and saw that she had a new guy she was working. I was fucking spineless but that was the last straw. She ended up marrying that guy. I’m totally good with that, I got over her a long time ago, but all this is to say I was fucking pathetic from day one. I was scared shitless that I would never meet The One, and she was The One. I didn’t want to be alone, and this was age 22!

Chapter 2: Post college: After graduating, I spent a few years pissing away money at bars, going out all the time, with an exceptionally low rate of success, hooking up with randos now and then, but basically sitting around with my other pathetically beta friends talking shit about the world. The basic idea was, go out, hope someone bumps into you at the end of the night, and see what happens. I was fortunate enough to be decent looking so it worked out once in a blue moon. I just look back on these days and think, god damn if I had some semblance of a sack, I could have pulled so much tail, spun so many plates, and had the time of my life. Instead I sat in the shadows fearing rejection, and looking for the next One. The funniest thing was, on rare occasions that I blacked out, I would wake up with the hottest girl at the bar. I never even knew what I did, but in retrospect, I obviously had no fear, aka total confidence to approach. If I was that F-d up, I had pure OI, zero fear. Liquid courage, for better or worse. My friends raved about my game, yet I had no idea what they were even talking about, it was sad. I’d wake up and be my beta self, and the hottie wouldn’t even call me back. Big surprise now.

Chapter 3: Oneitis #2: With that as context, I woke up in some halfway decent chick’s place, and she stuck around, had a decent sense of humor, and the fact that we made each other laugh for more than 24 hours made me obsess that she was the Snowflake that OMG, how did I ever live life without her. Every sensible friend I had hated her, yet I thought she was the best thing ever b/c we could have a conversation about music or laugh for a minute. Of course she was headed to graduate school far away, and of course I proposed to her. We had an LDR for a bit and then I dropped everything and moved to her. I moved in with her and that’s when reality set in. I realized I didn’t actually like her that much. I had to finally sack up before the wedding planning shit went too far, and called it off.

Chapter 4: Summer of Me/only half a year of fun: I was in graduate school, and was particularly focused on NOT finding a girl…I was gonna tear through tail with abandon, for the first time in my life, I was smart enough (26 At this point) to not be looking for THE ONE, and just trying to hook up. And I pulled more tail than I ever did in my entire life. I didn’t give a fuck, and after all I’ve read lately, wow, did that vibe work like a charm. Insane stories from this period. I still was clueless about game, but goddamn, something was working.

Chapter 5: my wife: towards the end of this phase, graduate student/friend of friend, neither of us were looking for a relationship, and we told each other as much. We were both attractive, and we kept hooking up until we were a habit. She was extremely conservative, told me nothing was gonna happen for what seemed like months, months of spooning/blue balls, while I chipped away. She finally gave in, turns out I’m her n3. Long story short, we got married. I thought she was super conservative when we “dated” but she did have a few fun things about her, well, mostly the fact that she had toys, and that was sexy. She was raised very conservatively, so low n count, no CC, but huge flirt, and horny in general. She liked to kiss guys, but never fucked them. She was a good christian girl, with plans to fuck her husband like the whore she always repressed.

Chapter 6: beta life: I’ve found my Snowflake, life is good, and effortless including taking care of myself or her. I’ve lived my life up to this point assuming if I marry a decent woman, that’s that. We’ll have some kids, still fuck a lot, get old and die. Welp, we had the kids. Life is generally good in my eyes, we have our ups and downs, kids get a bit older, life keeps happening, until one night 7 years ago. We’re out with some of her work friends. We’re all drunk. It’s getting late, we need to go home for the babysitter. I make the terrible move to go home myself to spell the sitter, leaving her out drunk with this group. Hours go by, until she rolls in at 5 am. I’m furious. The next morning she’s in tears and tells me she kissed one of the guys in the group. In retrospect, I made every mistake in the book. She was tipsy when I left, there should have been some pre-emptive mate guarding. The guy she hooked up with was a total alpha: tall, athletic, cocky, dominated conversation, etc. Couple that with the fucking beta I was, and her boozed up, It was the perfect storm. I don’t even blame her. She beat herself up more than my sad beta ass ever could, but I tried to lay down the law as best I could, but I’m sure it didn’t amount to anything at the time.

Chapter whatever: I stumbled onto MMSL at some point around that same time, probably due to the fact that we had almost never had sex anymore and she had just hooked up with…Chad. I lifted for a bit, and we quietly went about our lives. Fast forward 6 years. We are basically roommates, there is no passion. I’m successful career wise, and do everything the world says I should be doing. She starfishes once or twice a month. Rinse, repeat. Then a big change, I have to travel for work 2-3 weeks out of every month for a few months. I’m stressed/exhausted, barely have time/energy for wife/kids. I end up working late on the road, no fun or extracurricular activities, but basically work late in my hotel every night, get wired, and have to watch porn and fap just to fall asleep, becomes a bit of a habit. She says when I’m home I’m distant, I say I’m just tired, which is true. Her hamster starts thinking I’m having an affair, but damn if that doesn’t result in a single positive thing on her part, no dread-induced lovins, just distance from her too. She finally confronts me, asks if I’m having an affair, do I watch porn, etc. I tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, which is that I’m stressed, tired, over worked etc. In retrospect, I think I was whatever the other greek letter is for whatever is just nothing…I sure as hell never gave her any alpha, but at a minimum was a nice ol’ beta, but at this point the beta was gone (is it gamma?).

This wakes me up. I want to improve our marriage. Like every one else, it starts with the motive of getting more sex, but it ends up here. I start reading, my brain starts exploding. For about a month I’ve been absorbing all things red pill…I’ve said all this, yet, where do I start…during the talk, she says I show no desire, show no initiative, etc., I lash back that she shows zero desire in sex (back when I thought that was on her), that resonates too, she agrees. She throws out the typical blue pill crap about maybe scheduling sex, do we need a therapist. I end up here. I start trying to swallow the red pill, and its sinking in, but fuck, I’m the bluest of blue, and she is a domineering woman. She wants us to succeed as a couple, so that's a start. New Years hits, I’m as drunk as can be (tequila shots with the boys while she waits for me to get home). I get home, she asks what my goals are for 2017, resolutions and what not, and I say my goal is to be the leader of this family. She freaks and gets very aggressive, what does that mean to you, what do you mean, which I in my stupid state say means she needs to stop being such a controlling bitch, and I’m the man, blah blah RAMBO!!!! I barely remember it the next day, she says I was a big a-hole, but the hamster has been spinning ever since. I went about it all wrong, but the end result so far has been positive. I've since worked on frame and taken some initiative, said hey, we’re going out, planned everything out, etc., and it resonated. We had the night planned, she comes down and starts telling me about the matching bra and panties she has on, that has literally not been worn in 10 years back when I used to buy that stuff wishfully thinking it would help. She has tons of stuff because of me, and this is literally the first time she has A) worn it , and B) made a point to show it off to me. Maybe this is her doing her Oprah by-the-book therapist approach but I don’t see it that way. I took initiative for the first time that she can remember, and she was showing off to me. No starfish that night, she bent over doggy, wanting domination which I gave her…had a BJ for the first time in literally months just before that too… Unrelated FR: I bought her some new, hot underwear for her birthday before everything went down…not ridiculous but better than her daily crappy stuff…silky/lacy fun stuff…I like to check what she has on when I get home. She tells me as I grope around, “oh I had to throw away some of my older ones….but I kept a few for that time of the month”…I say, oh, those are gonna have to go too. She looks me in the eyes very seriously and says “don’t tell me what to do.” This is the first overt shit test I’ve ever seen, b/c I’ve never been looking…I swallow my initial reaction…one part beta “ok ma’am” and the other part overly alpha “fuck you bitch.” I laugh it off, and say, “I’ll throw em away myself then…” in a joking way. She’s thrown for a beat, then just laughs and melts a bit….omg.

This is where I’m supposed to be OI, and not give a shit about if she wants me more or not, Im improving myself, etc, but that is a hard mindset to get out of, it takes all my effort…all I know is I’ve awakened, looked at life totally differently, am working on my frame and leading my family, and I’m getting it regular for the first time that I can remember. I have so much to do, and work on, but I’m already seeing some break throughs. She is still very threatened by my wanting to lead, and is going to fight that. That is going to be my/our biggest issue. She married a beta she can control, and this is where Im most concerned, but so far so good. So far it’s been exhausting, trying to be a real man, its like flexing a muscle I’ve never used before, and keeping frame and OI is a constant struggle, just to monitor, let alone maintain…and taking on the role of running this ship, it’s a responsibility, and one I still struggle with the importance of…it’s been so easy to sit back and let her lead…but fuck that. This is my show. I’m also lifting like there’s no tomorrow…OI is still a struggle, validation is still ingrained in me, I fix something around the house, my first instinct is to show it off vs. just being happy in a job well done. I guess a lifetime of a specific world view and measure of self worth takes more than a few weeks to undo. But damn if I’m not already enjoying the ride. I’m sure I’ll be back tomorrow with a complete setback/fuckup, but until then…off to develop my MAP...