Wife doesn't like physicality

BluepillProfessor · 2016-12-18T20:07:32+00:00

Yes, yes, can't change another person blah blah. Let me tell you I believe this CAN be changed. The behavior you describe is maladaptive and even pathological but I believe this can be fixed. However, you need patience, amused mastery, outcome independence, and be able to control yourself and your emotions. In short, you need to be the full package and this is going to be a project.

Read up on Kino and PUA/Escalation.

Kino is the art of touching a woman and more to the point getting her used to being touched by you.

You usually don't use Kino when a woman is "upset." You use Kino in light interactions, while talking, etc AND while escalating to sex (using increasingly intimate Kino). An arm around her (rather than a tight squeeze/embrace) and touching the (preferably bare) upper arm or forearm while you make eye contact is natural human interaction for most people. So you build on that and teach her to accept your touch over months and years of patient trials and effort.

TLDR: Use Kino to teach your wife to accept your touch.

Also, don't get butthurt when she pulls away.

RPAlternate42 · 2016-12-18T16:19:50+00:00

You know your wife best... and perhaps her past, and not just with her family but with former men.

The standard situation here is the following:

she gets more upset with you

She hates it with you

she's got an aversion to any physical touch with you

That being stated, she might have a mental situation that is an exception to the rule.

However, you'll never know for sure unless you remove the variables you can control.

Be attractive
don't be unattractive
do you lift?
have you read our sidebar?

On number 4: the readings in the 101 section are your basis for understanding how to create a frame for yourself and how to keep it strong in her presence and despite her.

Furthermore, once all this is done and you have followed steps 1 through 4, remember that her feelings aren't your concern and you can't force consolation upon her. If she is sad, and doesn't want to be comforted in the way you want to comfort her, then you don't have to comfort her in her way, especially if it doesn't do anything for anyone involved.

As ~~/u/thefamilyalpha~~ /u/sexyshoulderdevil says: verbal intercourse is optional.

Past this, we don't know much else about you or your marriage or your wife, from this post. How is the sex and how often is the sex? How does she treat you when she's not sad?

Edit: quote source

ParadoxThatDrivesUs · 2016-12-18T23:07:10+00:00

My wife is like this. I've been working MRP for a year and while other things have improved, this has not changed much. Maybe never will.

BUT in your case, it's probably just a bullshit excuse. These a huge incentive to decide that it's really not your fault, that your wife is a snowflake with special problems, that the usual solutions won't work for you so you don't have to put in the work. Is it possible? I guess, maybe. But it's much more likely that she just doesn't feel any attraction to you.

Here's one way to test: Has she ALWAYS been like this, or was there a time when you were first dating when she seemed open for business?

TheFamilyAlpha · 2016-12-19T16:13:36+00:00

You've got to cater your approach to your girl.

Honestly, this is something you should have caught & figured out during vetting.

throwaway_holla · 2016-12-18T18:24:34+00:00

Lots of people don't like physicality at the wrong times.

A famous and very accomplished psychologist and researcher (the late Dr. Marshall Rosenberg) said "a hug is a mug" if someone hugs you when you're not wanting it.

cholomite · 2016-12-18T21:12:25+00:00

To me, hugging and physical touch and all that isn't primarily about showing her I'm on her side and reassuring her, it's about showing her that I am in control. Control of me, of her, of our life...etc. The reassurance comes secondary in knowing that she can give up control to a strong confident man she can trust and will submit to. If she's willing to let you pick her up, carry her around, or let herself fall into your arms when you grab her, she is giving up control to you and it makes her feel comforted and safe.

I have no idea how you're giving these hugs, or what you say before or after, I just wanted to point that out. Your wife doesn't want a supportive partner, she wants a man to take control of her and she'll find support and reassurance in that. Many women feel comfort and non-anxious when they are being bossed around by a confident secure man. If she won't let you touch her, try telling her what to do. Take some control from her and boss her around a little. Once she becomes more comfortable with you being in control, she may become more open about letting you control her and her body. Just my two cents at least, let me know how this situation works out for you.

If she won't even listen to you when you tell her what to do then she does not have any respect for you and your problems are deeper than just not liking hugs and physical touch.

drty_pr · 2016-12-19T05:51:45+00:00

I'm in this boat too man. I get it all the time. "I'm just not an affectionate person". Like fuck your not! Your as affectionate as they come provided you don't believe that my affection is in fact an escalation towards fucking! I start kissing her tonight and she goes:

Her - stop it, my lips are dry
Me - ok
Her - why do you want to kiss so much?
Me - because I like to?
Her - honestly, what is it you like about kissing?
Me - (look at her for about 3 seconds with a smile, get up and go to the kitchen)
Her - (goes to bed without saying a word)

Is it shit like this? This is her not wanting to fuck.

speak_ur_mind · 2016-12-19T10:17:17+00:00

The only alternative is talking, which is tedious and inefficient

Grow a pair and talk to her. Be a real man. This is not time for lifting ffs.

anotherswingingdick · 2016-12-27T05:03:32+00:00

cut her off financially, as much as legally possible.

When she questions you, tell her you're just not into financiality. Tell her that you'll change yourself the day after she changes herself.

She broke it, she fixes it.

Aaren_Augustine · 2016-12-18T16:31:15+00:00

Yep. You can't change her. She is willing to deal with her issues or not. The dead giveaway is usually a label stamped on it to funnel responsibility off of her and into the "reason". And the reason will be anything like "abusive" boyfriend, mean daddy or job related issues. Try not to be offended. It's really surprising how unaware most of us can be.

You're adding more perceived expectations by being annoyed at her not doing what you want. Be thankful. I can tell you from personal experience, this really helps to remove covert contracts. And you can get down to the business of improving yourself.

Title	Wife doesn't like physicality
Author	superbluesy
Upvotes	5
Comments	23
Date	December 18, 2016 3:52 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5j0rpn/wife_doesnt_like_physicality/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/wife-doesnt-like-physicality.206759 https://theredarchive.com/post/206759

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