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How do you guys react/handle when something you say hurts your wife (when you didn't mean to hurt her)? Do you apologize? Examples would be nice.

LifeChoiceReflector
December 25, 2014
7 upvotes
/r/askTRP
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Post Information
Title How do you guys react/handle when something you say hurts your wife (when you didn't mean to hurt her)? Do you apologize? Examples would be nice.
Author

LifeChoiceReflector
Upvotes 7
Comments 24
Date December 25, 2014 2:15 PM UTC
(11 years ago)
Subreddit Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2qd4jn/how_do_you_guys_reacthandle_when_something_you/
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-do-you-guys-reacthandle-when-something-you-say.144689
https://theredarchive.com/post/144689
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Comments

[–]1truchisoft11 points12 points13 points 11 years ago (15 children) | Copy Link

Disregarding everyone else's advice, please try to be more specific.

Did you really say something that offends? Or did she decide to get offended by a truth? Saying "You are fat, go hit the gym" to a woman who is 30 pounds (15 kilos) over her weight, is not offensive.

What is offensive is that she expects you to like her nonetheless her lack of pride in herself and her lack of interest in being sexy for you.

[–]floppymammarygland 5 points5 points5 points 11 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Exactly. Did she get offended because you were truly being a dick or because you held frame and she wanted to knock you down?

Sometimes it's tough but this distinction needs to me made

[–]1truchisoft1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

Why would it be tough? Unless you are socially inept you know when something you say is offensive.

To OP, please try to make a difference between is and could be taken as, woman have the ability to take almost anything you say and make it offensive, don't fall for that crap. If i ever see a woman i'm dating try to pull that kind of shit on me I would next her right there right then.

[–]floppymammarygland1 point 11 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Yeah... that's pretty much what I am saying.

[–]LifeChoiceReflector[S] 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I've replied to the previous comment with an example.

http://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2qd4jn/how_do_you_guys_reacthandle_when_something_you/cn52zf9

[–]LifeChoiceReflector[S] 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

I'm talking about casual conversations when she suddenly gets offended by something I say. I don't remember many such incidents (I have a poor memory), but I'll tell you one incident in the recent past that stuck to my memory.

This was 2 months ago. I left her in India because she can't handle the East Coast winter. Since she's not working anymore, I gave her my Indian ATM card, so she can use it while she's there. The night before my travel, I purchased some sweets, and got my card from her to pay for it. I forgot to give it back to her, and she forgot to ask. After they left me at the airport, She called me just before I boarded the flight, and told me that I didn't give her the card. She also asked me if I did that on purpose. I was very offended, but I didn't make it a big thing. I told her I was sorry I forgot to give her the card, and told her not to worry, and that I'll transfer $400 to her account, and once she's spent it, she can let me know, and I'll send her more. She got extremely offended by this, and told me that it hurt her very badly because it looked like I didn't give her the card, and now I was telling her how much to spend. She said instead of telling her how much I'll send, I should have asked how much she needed, and she would have actually just said $200. But what I did was a very bad thing.

I was actually offended this time again, because in my mind, there's no such thing as my money or her money. It was our money. I asked her if I shall send $400, just as something to transfer. I hadn't really put much of a thought behind that figure, just that it was more than enough for casual expenses, and if she needs more, she'll just ask and I'll send it immediately. I didn't want the money to be split into two accounts, as I was getting more than $200 interest per annum.

Her perspective is that she used to earn more than $1000 per month, and she quit that job just to marry me and come abroad (we couldn't get a work visa for her, so she came on a dependent visa). Now that she's jobless and doesn't have the independence of spending her own money, I offended her by telling her how much I will send her.

Was it right for me to get offended by her anger, or did I fuck up there?

[–]icyhot39 6 points7 points8 points 11 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm talking about casual conversations when she suddenly gets offended by something I say.

That's obvious and overt manipulation.

Was it right for me to get offended by her anger, or did I fuck up there?

Chill out, but she's manipulating and you have a right to be angered by it.

Her perspective is that she used to earn more than $1000 per month, and she quit that job just to marry me and come abroad

So she 'invested' in a relationship which dramatically increased her status and overall long-term prospects, and she's lamenting the fact that she had to give something up to get it. Classic cake-and-eat-it-too mindset. She's negotiating with you for power.

I'd tell her that she should have been happy with the $400, and only deposit $100. (unless that would cause her harm somehow) She'll get the rest when she behaves.

You do realize that her plan was to drain your account while she was there? Whether it was by accident or not, you figured out her plan and thwarted it... which is why she's accusing you of doing that.

[–]get_real_quick3 points4 points5 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

You do realize that her plan was to drain your account while she was there? Whether it was by accident or not, you figured out her plan and thwarted it... which is why she's accusing you of doing that.

You should date Indian girls, because you clearly understand their personalities and attempts to manipulate.

On second thought, don't date Indian girls. Just a terrible life decision overall.

--Indian guy

[–]icyhot39 3 points4 points5 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

They're among the worst excuses for women; they have all of the manipulation, with no sweetness to dull the sting of their whip.

[–]deville053 points4 points5 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

You both need to chill out. Stop being so offended by each other. The only reason you are both getting offended is because you have expectations of perfection from each other. You are not yet comfortable with each other to say things openly... Hence why she didnt remind you about the card even though she wanted it. N like an idiot she waited for you to board n then call you. You should have said.. Shit honey.. I forgot.. Why didnt you remind me?. Anyway whats done is done. Ill call my bank, have them make another card and send it to you.. OR.. Dont worry.. Ill transfer money into your account when i reach. Let me know how much you need/ill send you like 400$ or something .. Would that be enough?

I think you telling an earning person how much you will give her sound like you are giving her an allowance. Which would definitely hurt their ego..
But at the same time.. You both need to chill first n stay calm n clarify rather than be offended as your first option

[–]elysius1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Was it right for me to get offended by her anger, or did I fuck up there?

Submissive mindset. You can't start second-guessing yourself at every turn. Follow your gut, stand by your decisions. If time proves what you did was wrong, learn from it, adjust, apologize if necessary, but don't let it fuck up your confidence.

If you felt offended, it would be poisonous for you and the relationship to not act accordingly. Assert your will. In a long-term relationship, the RP dynamic is that of Captain (the man) and First-mate (the woman). The Captain is not always right, but he's the goddamned Captain and the First-mate must take heed.

All that being offended is just your woman trying to see if you're fit to lead her. She's trying to see if she can get you to doubt yourself and forfeit leadership to her because you can't deal with dissent. If she succeeds, you've failed as a partner, and she might even stay with you, but she will not respect you, she will look down on you, and she WILL cheat on you and/or get rid of you once she has no practical use for you or your resources anymore.

It's not that she's doing this consciously, but deep down she knows that if even she can get you to falter, imagine the damage a real threat could do. So she knows you can't protect her and as such won't have respect or loyalty for you.

It's one thing if you and your woman are calmly discussing things beforehand, weighing options in a reasonable conversation. It's another thing entirely if she just lays shit on your lap and expects you to accommodate her or else. That needs to be struck down, hard, or else the Captain is going to have a mutiny on his hands.

[–]1truchisoft0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I left her in India because she can't handle the East Coast winter.

Red Flag, is she a sick person? If not, she should be with you, why would she choose to stay away from you?

You need to start reading the sidebar and books and really start planning for a change of course over this relationship, one where you lead not only by social convention, one where you lead by being her rock.

You will know when you reach that state by the way she lusts after you, incontrollable lust and awe, like a child to his father.

Edit: Regarding the question, she has no reason to be offended and you knew that, she only acted offended to manipulate and submit you into her frame, and you are doing great my friend!

Not only she has all her expenses paid, getting 40% of her salary while doing nothing at all, but she also manipulated you into letting her be alone... alone to scout potential alpha males who are probably fucking her like rabbits even while she is talking on the phone with you.

[–]reyggg -2 points-1 points0 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

I disagree with you. That is extremely offensive. Trp doesn't mean being a dick to any female as long as it's truth. I wouldn't tell my mom she needs to hit the gym cause she's overweight. You know why.? Cause that's a douche bag thing to say. If you have a preference and would like for your so to change something about them you can ask them or discuss it, but to say it blatantly and expect it to not be insultful because your being honest is idiotic

[–]1truchisoft1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

How the hell is that offensive? Being fat takes time and dedication, do you feel it is offensive to say to a guy "you are ripped"?

Fat is a conscious choice, not an unavoidable consequence (and as with everything, there are exceptions).

So no, no person with 15kg overweight should feel offended if told they are fat, they should feel ashamed.

[–]reyggg -1 points0 points1 point 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you're missing the point. Something can be truthful and offensive at the same time. In fact, it's better if it's truthful, that makes it more offensive. If you tell someone "your ripped" your giving them a compliment and if you tell someone "you're fat" you're insulting them. Now how someone takes the insult may vary, but you can't expect someone not to get offended by your insult. It would be like if a girl went up to you and told you that you had a shitty haircut or bad fashion sense or bushy eye brows, sure, while these are all things you can change, it doesn't mean your immune to getting offended

[–]EvianChronicles 7 points7 points7 points 11 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Only a very immature man does not take responsibility for his errors.

[–]jcrpta1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago [recovered] (0 children) | Copy Link

Indeed, but this guy's been on redpill subreddits for a few days, basically outsourcing his balls to reddit.

He needs tough love.

[–]2secret_barber2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

If you messed up, own it, adjust (apologize) and move on.

[–]icyhot39 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

You realize, her being offended is just another way of saying that you did something she didn't want and should be shamed for it. Manipulation 101; don't give in to her frame/control.

Did you do something you regret? Good, you have recognized a way you can improve. Don't apologize, but you can certainly indicate that you have considered her input.

[–]LifeChoiceReflector[S] 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

She wouldn't let it go that way. She wants me to acknowledge that what I did/said was horrible/disgusting, and wants me to apologize to her.

[–]icyhot39 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

So you want to know how to handle a wife who's attempting to manipulate you? There is only one answer: don't give in.

Are you steering this boat or what? Go about your business and ignore her (assuming you've already told her to drop it and she just won't let it go). If she continues to escalate leave for a couple of days, come back and see if she has her mind right.

If not cut your losses now, you will end up a worker slave who caters to her every whim otherwise.

[–]pDiddyParty0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Since no one is giving any example, i'll give you one that my dad just said to my mom that made my blood boil.

My mom just turned 60 this year and was feeling a bit insecure. She was very pretty her whole life. At lunch one day she brought up her looks fading or something and my dad said "well that ship has sailed" as a joke. The look on my moms face was fucking heartbreaking. She works really hard to dress well and stay in shape and she does, at 5"10 130lbs which at 60 years old is fucking impressive. No one at the table laughed.

At that point, there's no apology, as bringing it up again would only remind her. The only thing my dad could do is make her feel beautiful again somehow. Fixing your mistake isn't necessarily the solution. Did you make her feel fat when she isn't? Show her you still find her sexy by grabbing her and being passionate. Did you yell at her for something unnecessary? Apologize briefly and make sure to never do it again.

Some background: my parents have been married 35ish years. Redpill marriage. Dad worked and mom was a housewife. very happy together. dad retired early as we come from a lot of money. mom thinks my dad is her knight in shining armor. I luckily have very good role models.

[–]beyondyoursight0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

when you didn't mean to hurt her

"good. suffer."

[–]AskTRP Endorsed Contributorbicepsblastingstud2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Haha, for the love of God, no.

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